The Peace of Wild Things


When despair for the world grows in me

and I wake in the night at the least sound

in fear of what my life and my children's lives may be,

I go and lie down where the wood drake

rests in his beauty on the water, and the great heron feeds.

I come into the peace of wild things

who do not tax their lives with forethought

of grief. I come into the presence of still water.

And I feel above me the day-blind stars

waiting with their light. For a time

I rest in the grace of the world, and am free.


—Wendell Berry

A waste

Just been down the new sperm bank in town, they actually pay you for your sperm!

When I think of all the money I've let slip through my fingers over the years...

Snippets from the week's news, sliced, diced and processed for your convenience by BBCi.

1. "Nice" originally meant foolish or silly.
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2. More rural homes have broadband than urban dwellings.
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3. 27% of people have opened a bottle with their teeth.
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4. Britain has the fifth largest Jewish population in the world.
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5. Brain chemical oxytocin makes us trust strangers with money.
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6. Women drivers are three times more likely than men to suffer whiplash injuries if their car is hit from behind.
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7. Archbishop of Canterbury Rowan Williams is deaf in one ear.
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8. Skunks can be de-scented to make better pets.
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9. You can lessen jet lag by not eating.
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10. The "$100 laptop" now costs $75.
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Good News At Last

Things are picking up in Burma.

My mate owns a bar over there. He reakons his customers are starting to drift back in......

Bit late, but hey.

An Israeli doctor said, 'Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.'

A German doctor said, 'That's nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.'

A Russian doctor said, 'In my country medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.'

The English doctor, not to be outdone, said 'Hah!. We can take an arsehole out of Scotland, put him in 10 Downing Street and have half the country looking for work within twenty-four hours

Two women were playing golf.

One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men.

He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologise.

"Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me", she told him.

"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes", the man replied.

He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, "How does that feel"?

He replied: "It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken."

YOUR ASTROLOGICAL WEEK AHEAD

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Maybe you are not an artist, but you can still have fun making doodles. If a cutie asks what you are doing, ask them to sit for you. You might get to see pubes!

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Remember the number of that guy you slept with, which is stuffed into your wallet? Well, dig it out and call. Maybe he will know why it burns when you pee.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Someone you've been secretly admiring has been checking you out right back. That’s them with the binoculars. Next to the policeman.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Pick up the phone and a call a faraway friend. Ask them what they are wearing. Stroke yourself until you go off. That’s better!

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Right now the stars are right for updating your online dating profile. Spend some time crafting clever copy, and add some recent photos of someone else. No point in wasting all that effort on writing.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
You're finding it super easy to talk to people, and keep them hanging on your every word. That’s because they don’t have a gun.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Start the week off right by writing down all your social engagements. Now what?

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
You met someone new who really likes you a lot, but it doesn't quite click for you. No problem. Sleep with them until someone better comes along.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
When you meet someone who sparks your interest, don’t just point at your crotch and make grunting noises. Point at theirs too, silly!

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Are you feeling uncertain about what your future holds? You and me both babe. I’m shitting it.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Don't feel lost. Maybe losing a partner is an improvement. Now you get to masturbate whenever you like, not just when they are pretending to be asleep.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Some little thing sets you off in a big way, at least offer to clean it off her shoes, it’s the least you can do!

The Daily Mash

Snippets from the week's news, sliced, diced and processed for your convenience by BBCi

1. Nice, in the economic terms in which Bank of England governor Mervyn King was speaking, stands for "non-inflationary constant expansion".

More details (This is Money)

2. The rubble from the old Wembley Stadium was turned into man-made hills.

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3. Gordon Brown is a Bee Gees fan.

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4. Neil Diamond has never had a number one album in the United States... until now.

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5. Locusts combine into swarms because they are frightened of being eaten by each other.

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6. Knitting patterns of trademarked characters can breach copyright.

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7. The search for extraterrestrial life does not contradict a belief in God.

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8. The Ministry of Defence has amassed 160 files on UFOs, containing details of 8,000 sightings.

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9. A child of three is expected to know about 300 words.

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10. Sloths aren't lazy.

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A Little Poem Regarding Computer Spell Checkers...

Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.

thanks to fudgie

For Hanffy

He Wishes for the Cloths of Heaven

Had I the heavens' embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with the golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and half-light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams beneath your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams...

William Butler Yeats

The Lie Detector

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick.

His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.

One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases.

It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy,

Their 11 year old son, returned home from school.

Tommy was over 2 hours late.

"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John.

"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.

The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."

"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.

"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.

"The Ten Commandments." a nswered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair once more.

With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."

"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."

The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one!

You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"

With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

thanks Shumpy

NSFW

Reckon you know your real boobs from the fake ones?

Take this test

Rodney Dangerfield

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home!

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.

If it weren't for pickpocket s, I'd have no sex life at all.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes off.

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, "Why?" He said, "Because you came home early."

My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.

I know I' m not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.

My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.

My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex; she called me from Chicago last night.

My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't of had anything to play with.

THIS IS FOR MEN WHO ARE TIRED OF RECEIVING MALE-BASHING JOKES

How many men does it take to open a beer? 
None, it should be open when she brings it.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? 
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me."

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? 
The dog, he'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? 
A woman that won't do what she's told.

I married Miss Right. 
I just didn't know her first name was Always.

What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence? 
Divorced.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.

Marriage is a 3-ring circus: 
Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.

Our last fight was my fault: 
My wife asked me "What's on the TV?", > I said "Dust"

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. 
Then God created Man and rested. 
Then God created Woman. 
Since then, no-one has rested.

Why do men die before their wives? 
They want to.

Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" 
Dad: "That happens in every country, son"

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.

The Stock Report.

Helium was up. Feathers were down.
Paper was stationary. Knives were up sharply.
Pencils lost a few points. Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued a slow decline.
Light switches were off. Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
Diapers remained unchanged. Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
Balloon prices were inflated. And batteries exploded in an attempt to
recharge the market.

cheers Shumpy

NSFW

Moan My IP

cheers Shumpy

A Brothel Madam opened the brothel door and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties. "May I help you?" she asked.

"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.

"No. I must see Valerie," he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $5,000 a visit.

Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the same man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.

Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row -- too expensive -- and there were no discounts. The price was still $5,000.

Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie questioned the man. "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.

The man replied, "South Carolina."

"Really?" she said. "I have family in South Carolina."

"I know," the man said. "Your father died, and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance."

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer

cheers Ken Shabby