"His previous wives just didn't understand him."

- Jan Chamberlain, wife #8 for Mickey Rooney

Two old women...

Two old women talking over coffee happened upon the subject of sex and what they can do to excite their husbands.

The first old woman told the second old woman that sometimes she gets her husband excited at night by getting totally naked, lying in bed and putting both legs behind her head, yoga style.

The second old woman thought that this was a great idea, so that night when her husband went in the bathroom to get ready for bed, she got totally naked and began the process of putting her legs behind her head.

The first leg was kind of tough to put in place as she was a bit arthritic. However, she finally got it in place. She had an even tougher time with the second leg, so she rocked herself backwards until she finally got it behind her head.

However, she had rocked just a little too hard so that she flipped slightly backwards and got stuck with her butt sticking straight up in the air. It was just then that her husband came out of the bathroom.

"Gladys!" he exclaimed. "For heavens sake, comb your hair and put your teeth in .... You look like an asshole.

Q. What do you call a scottish cloakroom attendant?

B. Angus McCoatup

==

40 scousers arrived at heavens gate, St Peter says to them "Sorry we only have room for 15, so you will have to decide amongst yourselves who will come in".

Five minutes later St Peter turns to God and says "They've gone."

"What all 40 of them?" aks a rather shocked God.

"No" replies St Peter, "The fucking gates."

Business News

Nike are making trainers for Lesbians They're calling them "Nikes for Dykes" You get 50% more tongue and you can get them off with one finger.

10 Things....

Snippets harvested from the week's news, chopped, sliced and diced for your weekend convenience by the BBCi.

1. Rule 2.25 of the Chelsea Flower Show regulations bans entrants from including garden gnomes in their displays. Bunting, balloons and flags are also banned.

2. Wayne Rooney is able to fill his computer-controlled bath by text message.

3. A dinosaur is named after Mark Knopfler because the team of palaeontologists that found it were listening to his music at the time. It's the Masiakasaurus knopfleri.

4. The egg came first. More details

5. Erotomania is the name of the condition in which a person holds a delusional belief that someone is in love with them.

6. Humans were first infected with the HIV virus in the 1930s. More details

7. There are 220 million vegetarians in India.

8. Special branch officers guarding former Prime Minister Lord Callaghan were frustrated at an unreliable security system on his Sussex farm that was confused by cattle, pigs and dung heaps and allowed a Jehovah's Witness to get all the way to the house and speak to Callaghan undetected.

9. Dry weather makes for less polluted beaches. More details

10. There are 64,726 electronically tagged offenders in the UK.

Bin Laden

George Bush and Tony Bliar may have trouble locating Osama but theGoose has found his wife Olivia Bin Laden.

Knowledge comes, but wisdom lingers.

- Alfred Lord Tennyson

Good Bye

He used to "Get up in the morning, slaving for bread, sir." But today he didn't.

Rest in peace Desmond Dekker.

When Not To Have Your Picture Taken

cheers Constable Liz

Batman

Batman comes to the rescue. [click to enlrge]
cheers Greg

BTW.
What does Batmans Mum say when she wants him in for his tea?

Diner, diner, diner, diner BATMAN! [sing it][thats older than you Goose]

Things People Say

A religion that takes no account of practical affairs and does not help to solve them is no religion.

-Mohandas Gandhi

A doctor who had been administering to an 80-year-old woman for most of her life, finally retired.

At her next check-up, her new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.

As the young doctor looked through the list, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills.

"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?!?"

"Yes, they help me sleep at night."

"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep!"

She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee. "Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16-year-old granddaughter drinks... And believe me, it helps me sleep at night!"

What Comes Around Goes Around

Whatever happened to Mr Rogers

This link was sent in by my good friend Larry. I have to say that this Mr Rogers should have run for President, the Americas need Mr Rogers, Great[?!?] Britain needs Mr Rogers, the World needs more Mr Rogers.

I don't know what happened to him, but I wish I had known him.

Won't You Be My Neighbor (Mr. Rogers vs. the US Senate)

thanks Larry

:)

Badger, the animal lover, at it again!

If you ever testify in court

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman.

He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility....

Q: "Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?"

A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away."

Q: "Officer -- who provided this description?"

A: "The officer who responded to the scene."

Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?"

A: "Yes, sir. With my life."

Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?"

A: "Yes sir, we do!"

Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?"

A: "Yes sir, I do."

Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?"

A: "Yes sir."

Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?"

A: "You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room."

The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.

The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's "Best Comeback" line -- and we think he'll win.

cheers George

Thank You and Best Wishes Super Rob

Pires agrees deal with Villarreal
Arsenal winger Robert Pires has agreed a two-year contract with Villarreal.

Pires will join on a free transfer subject to passing a medical - bringing to an end his six-year career as an Arsenal player.

"I have decided to accept a new challenge at Villarreal for the next two years of my career," said Pires on Arsenal's website.

He is not only a great footballer but a good man - we are sad to see him go.
- Arsene Wenger

Things People Say

What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary.

-Richard Harkness, The New York Times.

Chinese Employers To Grant 15-Minute Maternity Break

DONGGUAN, CHINA—In response to international criticism of Chinese workplace inequity and labor rights, China's National Labor Committee agreed Monday to establish an unpaid 15-minute break during the regular 18-hour workday, to allow pregnant women to "expel the child from their body, adjust to being a new parent, wash their hands, and return to work."

"During the last moments of childbirth, a female employee's productivity diminishes sharply," said Shanghai toy-factory owner Huang Wei, who noted that even the slightest whimper of pain or sight of a newborn's head as it crowns can distract an entire assembly line from the job at hand. "These women need a few minutes to rest and recuperate before returning to sew eyes onto stuffed animals in an efficient and satisfactory manner."

more at The Onion

Quickies from Shumpy

While watching the basketball game Monday night, my wife and I were discussing life and death. I told her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle, If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

She promptly got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer.

Some days I hate being married to a smart ass.

==

A British company is developing computer chips which store music in women's breast implants.

This is a major breakthrough, since women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them

===

Q. What do you call a pimp who doesn't like blow jobs?
A. A headless whoresman.

cheers Shumpy

Game

Tumbler

cheers Larry

Dear Mom and Pops,

Just letting you know that I have settled in at University and I want to thank you for all you have done to help my dream come true and tell you I will do all I can to make you proud.

Luv Britney.

cheers Shumpy

Eye Tests

cheers George

Words

pulchritude PUL-kri-tood, -tyood noun: Beauty.

"You are a real Pulchritude." - think Ill skip that one on Valentines :)

Pepsi and Mints With a Twist

What happens when you mix a dainty English maiden[?] with Pepsi and mints?

cheers Larry

Latest immigration control

cheers Greg

OFFICE MEMO:

Please note that at all future office parties and company picnics/functions there will be only one drink per person.

Please bring your own cup.

The Management

Cheers Greg

Morris and Esther

Morris and his wife, Esther went to the state fair every year.

Every year, Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter."

Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars. And 50 dollars is 50 dollars."

A few years later, Esther and Morris went to the fair.

Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter now, I might never get another chance."

Esther replied, "Morris, that helicopter is 50 dollars. And 50 dollars is 50 dollars."

The pilot overheard the couple. He said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's 50 dollars."

Morris and Esther agreed --- and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres. But not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris. He said, "by golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"

Morris replied, "Well, I almost said something when Esther fell out. But 50 dollars is 50 dollars."

Cheers George

Two Jewish sisters-in-law.....

Two Jewish sisters-in-law meet on the street.

Ruth says to Golda, "Such news I got for you, Golda! My Irving is finally getting married. He tells me he is engaged to this vonderful Jewish girl, but he thinks the poor darling may have some strange illness called herpes."

After offering congratulations, Golda says to Ruth, "So, Ruthie, do you have any idea vat is this herpes, and can our Irving catch it?"

Ruth answers, "God forbid! But his Papa and I are just so happy to hear about his engagement. You know how ve've all vorried about him. It's past time he's settled vith a nice girl. As far as the herpes goes, who knows?"

"Vell...," Golda says, "I have a very fine medical dictionary, you know, Ruthie. I'll just run home right now and look it up and call you."

So, Golda goes home, looks it up, and calls Ruth excitedly, "Ruth! Ruth! Thank goodness, I found it. Not to vorry! It says herpes is a disease affecting the gentiles."

Clever Truck Ads

cheers Greg

NSFW

Not your typical Workmans Comp injury.

It is difficult to say what is impossible, for the dream of yesterday is the hope of today and the reality of tomorrow.
-Robert H. Goddard

Sex begins at 40

Kim Cattral, 49, admits she didn't have great sex until she took on the role of man-eater Samantha Jones in the hit show 'Sex and the City', and married her now ex-husband Mark Levinson.

She revealed in a magazine interview, "Sexuality had been a very narrow experience. There was a lot of fear connected to it. I kept thinking, it's just not the right man& it's just not the right relationship& it's just something that's not going to happen for me."

However, Kim's sex life improved dramatically when she married Mark in 1998. She said: "There was a total chord change in an environment where I could really talk about my sexuality and felt free enough to experiment and play."

I've been slacking lately. Running two sites has been hard.
So if you have links you think others may enjoy, please send them in.

Previously on May 25

1961: Kennedy pledges man on moon
President John F Kennedy has called for millions of dollars to fund a space programme to get the first man on the moon by 1970.
In a speech to a joint session of Congress broadcast on TV and radio around the United States, he asked for an extra $1,700m (£600m) on the federal budget.

The largest proportion of this - $9,000m - would be spent on researching and developing ways of getting an American on the moon by the end of the decade.

"I believe that this nation should commit itself to achieving the goal, before this decade is out, of landing a man on the moon and returning him safely to Earth," he said.
more here

1963: African states unite against white rule
Leaders of 32 African nations have set up an organisation that will give them a united voice for the first time in Africa's history.
The African summit conference ended today in Addis Ababa, capital of Ethiopia, with an agreement from all delegates to found an Organisation of African Unity.

Its primary aim will be to "decolonise" the remaining bastions of white rule in Southern Rhodesia, South Africa, Mozambique and Angola.

It plans to support African "freedom fighters" with finance, arms, volunteers and training bases and to close off their airspace to colonial forces.
more here

1982: Dozens killed as Argentines hit British ships
Dozens of men are feared dead in the seas around the Falkland Islands after the container ship, Atlantic Conveyor, and the destroyer HMS Coventry were hit by Argentine missiles.
HMS Coventry managed to destroy two Argentine Skyhawk planes with Sea Dart missiles. Another wave of Skyhawks hit her four times with 1,000 bombs. She capsized, losing 21 of her crew.

An explosion and a fireball swept through the operations room. The ship listed to port and the crew and wounded made their way to the upper decks from where they were rescued.

It is thought the Atlantic Conveyor, owned by Cunard, was mistaken for the aircraft carrier HMS Hermes.

She was attacked by two Super Etendards which fired French-built Exocets like the ones that sunk the Coventry's sister ship HMS Sheffield on 4 May.
more here

Arsenal F.C. End of Season Dinner Dance

Starter
Egg on Face
Seasoned Hash
Frogs legs (past their best)
Spanish Surprise (well beaten)


Main course
Humble Pie
Chump Chops
French (has) Beans
Manager's Beef (not rare)
Catch of the Day - big lemon Sol (gutted)
NB: everything is imported, nothing is home grown.


Dessert
Sour Grapes (may be hard to swallow)
Fruitless Tarts
Raspberry Fools
Hard Cheese


Drinks
Bitter
Little Spirit
French Whine
Cabernet Empty 2006
Champagne - sorry none ordered
STRICTLY NO DOUBLES OR TREBLES

NB: drinks should be consumed from glasses as there will be no cups this year.

Guest speaker: Sir Alex Ferguson - "What it's like to win the European Cup"

Please note that the club’s European Tour for the season 2006-07 is not guaranteed.

BOLLOCKS!

Charming

What have Arsenal and Heather Mills got in common.

All the money in the world won't buy a second leg.

cheers to Dodgy IT Monkey of Sussex

Badger Moves into Pop

Our good chum Badger moves into Pop. Hear his first release here.

thanks Johannes

Meat Beat Manifesto

In honor of Masturbation Month, it's time to take your hands off the chicken's throat and learn some new terms for the leading cause of hairy palms.

The only thing more embarrassing than being caught with your hand down your pants—at least according to what we've been told—is using worn-out clichés for the despicable act.

Because May is officially Masturbation Month, we're giving you a whole new slew of options to describe the dirtiest of deeds.

"Beating the meat," "spanking the monkey," and "punching the clown" will officially be retired. In their place, we present to you these terms for pleasuring yourself—so stop pleasuring yourself and commit them to memory.

Mugging the two-inch tourist.
Overthrowing the tiny tyrant.
Indian wrestling Sacagaweiner.
Beheading the hairy hostages.
Choking up on the Louisville.
Liberating the milky Muslim.
Rolling the burrito.
Raising interest rates a quarter-inch.
Handcuffing the fugitive.
Paying at the pump.
Gutting the trouser trout.
Swinging the chubby truncheon.
Taxing the poor.
Deveining the shriveled shellfish.
Extracting the gooey platoon.
Emptying the spit valve.
Reeling in the hammerhead.
Chopping down the cherry tree.
Pulling weeds in the Garden of Breedin'.
Jousting Sir Galahand.
Reheating last night's leftovers.
Dusting off the drunken dwarf.
Milking the flaccid cow.
Raiding Fort Hood.
Snapping the Slim

thanks Larry

A man falls down a mine shaft in South Africa and is so badly injured he has to lose his leg, "I'm no use now", he said, "Who is going to want a one legged gold digger?"






"ME!" shouts Paul McCartney...................

cheers Greg

McCartney and Mills to separate

Former Beatle Sir Paul McCartney and his wife Heather Mills are to separate after four years of marriage.

A joint statement said they had "found it increasingly difficult to maintain a normal relationship with constant intrusion into our private lives".

Sir Paul and Mills, a former model, married in June 2002. They had a daughter, Beatrice, a year later.

They met in 1999 through Mills' work for her charity, launched after losing a leg in a motorbike accident in 1993.

BBCi

New Books

For some reason, the new range of childrens books didn't make it past the censor.








thanks Major