Jeremy Beadle 1948-2008

Jeremy Beagle

Three men

Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden, and an American are all working together one day.

They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
"I will give each on you one wish, which is three wishes in total," says the Genie.

The Canadian says, "I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada."

POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.

Osama was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, Palestine, Iraq, and Iran so that no infidels, Americans, or Canadians can come in our our precious land."

POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.

The American says, "I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."

The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 5oo feet thick, and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable."

The American sits down, cracks a beer, smiles, and says, "Fill it with water."

Jokes From larry

So this guy goes into a whorehouse. Once in the room with the prostitute, he puts $50 on the table and drops his pants. The hooker almost faints, the guy has a 18 inch cock. She says," Hold on pal, I'll lick it, I'll suck it, but you're not sticking that in me." The man pulls up his pants and picks up his $50 and says, " Screw that, I can do that myself !"


What do spinach and anal sex have in common? If you were forced to have it as a kid, you'll hate it as an adult.


Vinnie and Hank are drinking, when Vinnie leans over and starts stroking Hank's beard. Vinnie says, "Your face feels just like my wife's pussy." Hank strokes it himself and says, "You're right."


I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic cop shouted to me, "Oi whats your disability?" I said "Tourettes, you fucking cunt!"


I went for a job interview as a blacksmith yesterday, he said "Have you ever shoed a horse?" I said "No, but I've told a donkey to fuck off."


A lady says to the psychiatrist, "I think I might be a nymphomaniac." He says, "I'll see what I can do to help you. My fee is eighty dollars an hour." She says, "How much for all night?"


Women eh! Boob jobs, nose jobs, teeth bleaching, tummy tucks, liposuction, colonic irrigation, botox, pierced ears, nipples, bellys and clits, eyebrows plucked, bikini wax, armpits shaved, lips tattooed, legs waxed, diets, exercise and they wont take it up the ass cause it 'hurts'.


"Take a bunch of flowers home for your wife, sir," urged the street vendor. "I haven't got a wife," replied the young man. "Then buy a bunch for your sweetheart." "I don't have a sweetheart, either." "Well then, buy a couple of bunches to celebrate your luck."


What's the difference between Heath Ledger and Heath Ledger jokes? Heath Ledger jokes will get old.


Zebo, a half blind 5 year old African orphan has to ride 7 miles a day to school with only one leg on a bicycle with buckled wheels and no brakes. Please give just a small donation and we will send you the video it's fucking hilarious!


I was at a cash machine when an old lady came up to me and asked to check her balance. So I pushed her over.


Statistically... 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.


A guy gets pulled over by a cop for speeding. As the copper is writing up the ticket, the guy asks, "Can you arrest me for calling you a filthy name?" "Yes" replies the cop. He then asks, "Can you arrest me for thinking something?" "No" replies the cop. "Well then," says the man, "I think you're an asshole!"


I bumped into my ex-girlfriend in a bar. "I had sex with another woman last night," I told her. "But I was thinking of you the whole time." "You miss me that much?" she asked. "No," I said. "But it kept me from coming too fast."

cheers Larry

Gordon Brown goes to the doctors and says, "Doctor doctor, every time I look in the mirror I get aroused."

The doctor replies, "I'm not surprised...you're a cunt."

According to Oxfam 2 pounds a month can provide water for a village in Tanzania.

So why do fucking southern Water charge me 25 notes a month for my 2 bed semi?

So You Say

If we listened to our intellect, we'd never have a love affair. We'd never have a friendship. We'd never go into business, because we'd be cynical. Well, that's nonsense. You've got to jump off cliffs all the time and build your wings on the way down.
--Ray Bradbury

So You Say

Cynics build no bridges; they make no discoveries; no gaps are spanned by them. Cynics may pride themselves in being realistic in their approach, but progress and the onward march of ... civilization demand an inspiration and motivation that cynicism never affords. If we want progress we must take the forward look.
--Paul L. McKay

The Peters Projection World Map (for Gman)

Traditional Map


Peters Projection World Map

The Peters Projection World Map is one of the most stimulating, and controversial, images of the world. When this map was first introduced by historian and cartographer Dr. Arno Peters at a Press Conference in Germany in 1974 it generated a firestorm of debate. The first English-version of the map was published in 1983, and it continues to have passionate fans as well as staunch detractors.

The earth is round. The challenge of any world map is to represent a round earth on a flat surface. There are literally thousands of map projections. Each has certain strengths and corresponding weaknesses. Choosing among them is an exercise in values clarification: you have to decide what's important to you. That is generally determined by the way you intend to use the map. The Peters Projection is an area acurate map. Wikipedia

You Couldn't Make It Up (although in this case someone did)

Three Little Pigs 'too offensive'

A story based on the Three Little Pigs has been turned down from a government agency's annual awards because the subject matter could offend Muslims.

The digital book, re-telling the classic fairy tale, was rejected by judges who warned that "the use of pigs raises cultural issues".

Becta, the government's educational technology agency, is a leading partner in the annual schools award.

The judges also attacked Three Little Cowboy Builders for offending builders.

But judges at this year's Bett Award said that they had "concerns about the Asian community and the use of pigs raises cultural issues".

They also warned that the story might "alienate parts of the workforce (building trade)". BBCi

Dog leash goths 'hounded off bus'

A goth who leads his girlfriend around with a dog lead and collar was stopped from getting on a bus amid fears for passenger safety, a bus firm confirmed.
Dani Graves, 25, and his fiancee Tasha Maltby, 19, of Dewsbury, West Yorks, claim they have been discriminated against by bus firm Arriva Yorkshire.

The black-clad couple said they had been told to leave one bus and prevented from boarding another.

The bus firm said safety came first, but it was investigating the complaint.

Mr Graves told BBC Look North: "We're used to strange looks, we're used to comments.

"But we didn't expect it from someone like that. They're providing a public service. We had our bus passes, we did everything that you are supposed to do to get on a bus."

Miss Maltby said she came up with the idea to wear a dog lead, and said previous boyfriends had called her a "wierdo" when she suggested it.

The couple said they "loved each other to pieces" and the use of the lead was a "sign of trust". BBCi

ALGARROBO, CHILE

In this handout photograph provided by the San Alfonso del Mar seaside resort, a general view of the resorts huge lagoon and surrounding condominiums are seen on January 15, 2008 in Algarrobo, Chile. Acknowledged by the Guinness World Records as the world's largest swimming pool, the lagoon measures 1,013 metres (3,323 ft) in length, covers an area of eight hectares (20 acres), contains 250,000 cubic metres of water and is navigable in small boats.

7 Things That Only Make Sense When You're Drunk

Most of you have been there (and those of you too young to drink will soon find out for yourselves): you've had too much to drink and suddenly, drunk-logic takes hold of your mind. This is when you see start to see things in a different light and things that normally wouldn't make sense when you're sober suddenly seem like a totally good idea. It is in celebration of this inebriated state of mind that we present to you the top 7 things that only make sense after you've flooded your system with bacteria piss, aka alcohol.

With New Years around the corner, you're likely to imbibe a few spirits to celebrate. Please make sure to keep away from these stupid moves you're likely to make while drunk.

7- Drinking crappy beer
Unless you're a drunk or a college frat boy, chances are you won't go near crappy beer. We're talking about the stuff that costs like a dollar fifty for a six-pack. You turn your nose up at it and say things like, "Dude, that crap tastes like a diabetic's piss." And rightly so because crappy beer sucks. But when you're drunk, it doesn't matter what it says on the label: so long as it'll maintain your buzz, you'll suck it down like it was Coca-Cola. Hell, they could juice a skunk's ass and put it in a bottle and you'd probably take a swig if you were drunk enough, wouldn't you? Speaking of which, isn't it about time you called your AA sponsor?

6- Going home with a stranger
Remember that Seinfeld episode where Elaine makes a blind date with the wake-up call guy based solely on his voice, and Jerry makes a fuss because he claims that 95% of the population is undateable? And when Elaine asks how people are getting together, he says "Alcohol"? We all laughed and you know why? Because it's true. Try going to a bar and asking someone to go home and have sex with you when you're sober: chances are, you can't work up the courage. Now try doing it when the other person is sober: chances are, you'll end up having to register as a sex offender.

But do it when you're drunk and you'll probably swagger over to your target like you were Hugh Hefner and James Bond rolled up into one. And if the other person is drunk, chances are they'll find you a hell of a lot more attractive than they would have sober; hell, if they blink hard enough, you could almost pass for someone who sort of looks like Brad Pitt. But guess what? You don't look like Brad Pitt. Not even a little bit.

5- Eating Whatever Is Put In Front Of You
When you're hungry, you eat; that's the most primary reaction we have as animals. But when you're drunk and hungry, you don't just eat, you fucking eeeeat! The strange thing is, the more inebriated you are, the lower you standards. The best example of this: Denny's. You ever been to a Denny's during the day? It's downright depressing, isn't it? You're sitting there going, "What the hell am I doing eating at a Denny's? How did I let my life go so far down the toilet?" But fast forward time to 2:15 a.m. on a Saturday night (that's right after last-call, as if you didn't know- and you're hopping into line like Wolfgang Puck was in the kitchen dishing out Moons Over My Hammy's.

This applies to every nasty ass fast food place, grease ball slop joint and street meat cart around; when you're drunk, you just can't help stuffing your face full of the first greasy thing you can get your hands on? Speaking of which, if you're willing to drive me, I'll totally pay for your order of 7-11 nachos.

4- Whatever The Hell It Is That Drunk Guy Is Saying
Have you ever been stuck in a social situation where you had to listen to some idiot ramble on with some crazy theory about a topic that you don't care about? When you're sober, you usually try to humor the person for as long as you can stand and then find a reasonable excuse to walk away. But what happens when you add alcohol into the mix? Suddenly, you're transfixed by what this crazy person is saying to you and for whatever reason, it's making a hell of lot of sense. You're nodding along, going "Dude, that is so true!" It's downright life-altering, isn't it?

But try and remember the conversation the next day and you'll find that you either can't or if you do, it makes absolutely no sense. Which is really too bad because you probably ran into the drunk equivalent of Confuscius at a party one night and learned something really profound but then you had to screw it up by being sober the next day. But don't be mad: enlightenment is overrated anyway.

3- Whatever The Hell It Is That You're Saying
This is just like the previous example except this time, you're the idiot with the crazy theory.

2- Getting One Last Drink
We're all reasonable people, right? I mean, we all know our limits or at the least, we're vaguely aware of them. But those limits go right out the window when you're drunk. Nevermind that you're on your ninth pint and that you've already expelled the Chinese food you had earlier into the gutter outside the bar; when that bartender yells "Last call!" you're already starting to chug whatever's left in your glass so you can get in one last order.

This is also why you agree to get one last drink when every single ounce of your being is telling you to go home and crawl into bed. You're trying to stagger outside to get a cab and your buddy says, "Come on, get one last drink." If your sober self could answer, you'd say, "Dude, no, I have work in the morning." But your drunk thought progress says, "What a well reasoned argument my chum is offering me. I'd be foolish to say no." And bam, you get yourself one last drink, when you know you shouldn't. Straw that broke the camel's back? More like the drink that made you call in sick to work.

1- Drunk Dialing Your Ex
There's a reason why you stopped talking to your ex but when you're drunk, it's hard to remember what the hell it was. Your sober self could tell you-your ex is completely psychotic and your friends would kill you-but the heart wants what the heart wants, especially if that heart has been pickling in an alcohol solution for half the night.

So go ahead and arrange that after hours rendezvous with your ex or give that former special person the perfect telling off-your sober self can deal with the aftermath the next morning. The poor jerk.

cheers to Shumpy

Stevie Wonder

A friend buys Stevie Wonder a cheese-grater for his birthday.

A week later, the friend asks him what he thought of it.

Stevie replied: "It's great, man. It's the best book I've ever read."