theGoose.org.uk

A Short Story

2009-01-20T19:30:00.001Z

One day, long, long ago there lived a woman who did not whine, nag or bitch.

But this was a long time ago . . . and it was just that one day.

The End

Remember

2008-11-11T11:00:00.000Z

TIP OF THE DAY

2008-10-31T17:55:00.000Z

Save time when crossing a One Way street by only checking traffic in the direction it allowed to come from.

Andy (Leeds)

EDIT

Always check traffic in both directions even on a one way street in case some blonde chav with more tits than brains is driving at 40mph in the wrong direction.

Andy ( Leeds General Hospital)

October

2008-10-28T23:52:00.001Z

October
And the trees are stripped bare
Of all they wear
What do I care
October
And kingdoms rise
And kingdoms fall
But you go on

ON THIS DAY

2008-10-28T21:45:00.000Z

1962: World relief as Cuban missile crisis ends

The world has breathed a collective sigh of relief after the superpowers reached an agreement ending the immediate threat of nuclear war.

Russian leader Nikita Khrushchev has agreed to dismantle all Russian missiles based in Cuba and ship them back to the Soviet Union.

The announcement was made in a public message to President John F Kennedy broadcast on Moscow Radio.

In response, President Kennedy said the decision to remove the Cuban missiles was an "important contribution to peace".

He has also promised the US will not invade Cuba and will eventually lift the US naval blockade imposed on the island.

The blockade will continue until effective UN inspection ensures that the missiles in Cuba have been dismantled.

more here

Women!

2008-10-28T21:40:00.000Z

ON THIS DAY

2008-10-28T21:17:00.001Z

1986: 'Evil' Bamber jailed for family murders

A 24-year-old man has been jailed for life for killing five members of his family at their farmhouse in Essex.

Jeremy Bamber will now serve a minimum of 25 years for the murders of his step-parents, sister and her two six-year-old sons.

As the guilty verdict was delivered at Chelmsford Crown Court, Bamber slumped slightly but gave no further reaction.

Sentencing Bamber to five life prison terms, the judge Mr Justice Drake said he was "warped and evil beyond belief".

more here

Joke

2008-10-28T21:08:00.000Z

Barack Obama decided to go for a hot air balloon ride and realizes he is lost. He lowers his altitude and spots John McCain fishing from a boat below.

Obama shouts to McCain, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

McCain consults his portable GPS and replies, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

Obama rolls his eyes and says, "You must be a Conservative!"

"I am," replies the McCain. "How did you know?"

"Well," answers Obama, "everything you tell me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you're not much help to me."

McCain smiles and responds, "You must be a Liberal."

"I am," replies Obama. "How did you know?"

"Well," says McCain, "You don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and now you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault."

thanks Ric

Geography

2008-10-28T20:41:00.001Z

Whats the capital of india?

Leicester

How Cool Are You?

2008-10-28T20:29:00.000Z

theGoose only managed 8/10

How about you?

Take The Test

The Comedic Genius of the BBC

2008-10-28T19:38:00.002Z

""He fucked your granddaughter... I'm sorry I apologise. Andrew, I apologise, I got excited, what can I say - it just came out."

"I said some things I didn't of oughta, like I had sex with your granddaughter..."

answerphone message left for Andrew Sachs

Six stages of married life:

2008-10-28T19:31:00.001Z

1: Tri-weekly
2: Try weekly
3: Try weakly
4. Try oysters
5: Try anything
6: Try to remember

Tottenham sack Ramos and Comolli

2008-10-25T23:58:00.001+01:00

Tottenham Hotspur have sacked coach Jaunde Ramos, along with sporting director Damien Comolli.

Spurs have also parted company with first team coaches Gus Poyet and Marcos Alvarez, following the team's long string of poor results.

The club confirmed the clear-out in a statement on their website

Backroom staff-members Clive Allen and Alex Inglethorpe will step in to take charge of Sunday's Premier League match against Bolton.

Spurs are bottom of the Premier League after taking just two points from their opening eight matches this season.

Neil Young - Only Love Can Break Your Heart

2008-10-25T23:47:00.000+01:00

2008-10-25T21:55:00.001+01:00

London Underground wish to apologise for the severe points failure in the tottenham area

Due to an irregular betting pattern, William Hill has suspended betting on all this week's football.......it seems someone placed a £10 bet on tottenham to win.

tottenham Hotspur have just been fined £500,000 under the Trades Description's Act for posing as a "football team".

Just went down the newsagent's and bought tottenham Hotspur Magazine. Thank goodness they had porn mags to hide it in!

What is the difference between tottenham and a jar of flowers? You can see a jar of flowers on top of a table.

cheers GMan

2008-10-25T21:50:00.000+01:00

Two lawyers are walking down the street, when a beautiful woman walks by.

"Boy I'd love to screw her" says one lawyer.

"yeah, I would too," says the other. "But out of what?"

Keane - Spiralling

2008-10-25T21:37:00.001+01:00

I fashioned you
From jewels and stone
I made you
In the image of myself
I gave you
Everything you wanted
So you would never know
Anything else

But everytime
I reach for you
You slip
Through my fingers
Into cold sunlight
Laughing at the things
That I had planned
The map of my world gets
Smaller as I sit here
Pulling at the loose
Threads now

We're tumbling down
We're spiralling
Tied up to the ground
We're spiralling
When we fall in love
We're just falling
In love with ourselves
We're spiralling

KeaneMusic.com

2008-10-24T20:13:00.001+01:00

When a groggy Vedran Corluka regained consciousness in the ambulance leaving the Britannia Stadium on Sunday he asked medical staff who he was.

On being told he played football for Tottenham Hotspur he lapsed into a coma.

Someone pulled the plug :)

2008-10-22T21:41:00.001+01:00

Power company in administration

An electricity company which supplies 40,000 small businesses has gone into administration, the BBC has learned.

A buyer was unable to be found for Electricity 4 Business (E4B), which is based in Milton Keynes, energy regulator Ofgem confirmed. More here

George Keeps "Active"

2008-10-22T21:26:00.002+01:00

George Does Prison

2008-10-22T21:26:00.001+01:00

George Does The Beach

2008-10-22T21:25:00.000+01:00

Priceless

2008-10-22T21:11:00.003+01:00

This isn't funny, Bad George!

Money troubles?

2008-10-22T21:11:00.001+01:00

The earliest known photo of Michael Phelps

2008-10-22T21:10:00.000+01:00

Seinfeld - The Butter Shave

2008-10-22T20:45:00.001+01:00

Jerry walks into his apartment sniffing the air, followed closely by Newman.

Jerry: Someone's cooking.

Newman: Hello, Jerry.

Jerry: Hello, Newman.

Newman: You know, old friend, sometimes I ponder this silly gulf between us and I say, "Why?" Are we really so different. For what is--

Jerry (cutting in): I'm not the one doing the cooking, Newman.

Newman: Damn you Seinfeld. You useless pustule. Um, somebody's got something on the griddle. maybe it's Kramer.

Jerry: No, he's up on the roof getting some sun with the butter - pause - Oh no!

Newman: Butter?

The Full Script

Plastic Surgeon General Warns Of Small Breasts Epidemic

2008-10-22T20:44:00.001+01:00

BEVERLY HILLS, CA—According to a report released Monday by U.S. plastic surgeon general Dr. Louis T. Saddler, an alarming number of American women are suffering from dangerously small breasts.

The Office of the Plastic Surgeon General—headed by a presidential appointee tasked with monitoring the national aesthetic, alerting the public to any small flaws, and offering a wide range of affordable, noninvasive laser resurfacing options—first addressed the countrywide plague of undersized breasts in the mid-1980s by demanding that manufacturers of A- through C-cup bras place large warning labels on their products informing female consumers of the potential risk of having deficient bosoms. more here

Smell The Fork

2008-10-22T14:19:00.001+01:00

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.

'I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from there.'

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.

'Ah, yes, that's what I'll have -- meatloaf and mashed potatoes.'

Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife. He tells her what had just happened.

The blind man eats his meal and leaves.

Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.

'Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man.'

'I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork.'

The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.

After another deep breath, the blind man says, 'That smells great. I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli.'

Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him.

The blind man eats and leaves.

He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen.

He tells his wife, 'Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man.'

Mary complies and hands her husband the fork. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.

'Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you.'

The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says, 'Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here...'

Kerry Katona"medicated" on This Morning.

2008-10-22T14:10:00.000+01:00

Cambridge Cruelty (another reminder)

2008-10-21T01:59:00.000+01:00

Now all the fuss has died down I thought it was time to remind you of these nice chaps. They decided to send a live hamster through the post as a joke.

David Jordan of Ely in Cambridge and James Cole of Marchwood, Southampton both 19 and Churchill College students seem to be happy after leaving court..
Luckily the Hamster survived, seemingly outwitting two of 'Englands Finest'. Live long my friend.

Public Sympathy Overflows For Wall Street

2008-10-21T00:44:00.002+01:00

Shumpy

Three parrots

2008-10-21T00:25:00.000+01:00

Three parrots are for sale.

They cost £100, £200 and £15.

A woman asks "Why is that parrot so cheap?"

The shopkeeper replies, "because it used to live in a brothel."

The woman thinks its funny and buys the parrot.

When she gets home the parrot says, "F**k me a new brothel!" The woman laughs.

Her two daughters come home, the parrot says "F**k me new prossies!" The girls laugh.

The husband come home and the parrot says "F**k me Keith i haven't seen you for weeks".

Words

2008-10-20T23:53:00.000+01:00

WORD: paragoge

PRONUNCIATION: (par-uh-GO-jee)

MEANING: noun: The addition of a letter or syllable at the end of a word, either through natural development or to add emphasis. For example, height-th for height.

2008-10-20T23:22:00.000+01:00

I went to visit my grandad today, he is getting really old and frail.

He's now senile and incontinent, so i call him "Spurs"....

..as he is incapable of keeping a clean sheet...

News

2008-10-20T23:18:00.002+01:00

A man accused of killing his neighbour carried the dead man's head on a bus before dumping it in a canal, the Old Bailey has heard. Read On

Imagine if - "Hello, is that lost and found?"

2008-10-20T23:09:00.000+01:00

With last week's booing and public outcry at the MOBO awards when Leona Lewis didn't bother to show up to collect her award, I wonder how Heath Ledger's antiticipated no-show at the Oscars will go down...

How CEOs Make Decisions

2008-10-20T22:45:00.000+01:00

thanks Ric

The Book of Abby

2008-10-20T22:24:00.003+01:00

Watching the latest episode of ER I was captivated by the narrative poem (I thought) which turned out to be passages from the New International Bible. Having done some searching I found the related parts.

The Book of Job

The Book of Job 3.20-26
20 "Why is light given to those in misery, and life to the bitter of soul,

21 to those who long for death that does not come, who search for it more than for hidden treasure,

22 who are filled with gladness and rejoice when they reach the grave?

23 Why is life given to a man whose way is hidden, whom God has hedged in?

24 For sighing has become my daily food; my groans pour out like water.

25 What I feared has come upon me; what I dreaded has happened to me.

26 I have no peace, no quietness; I have no rest, but only turmoil."

and

The Book of Job 38.16-20 (as 16,17,19 and 18)
16 "Have you journeyed to the springs of the sea or walked in the recesses of the deep?

17 Have the gates of death been shown to you? Have you seen the gates of the deepest darkness?

18 Have you comprehended the vast expanses of the earth? Tell me, if you know all this.

19 "What is the way to the abode of light? And where does darkness reside?

Hope it helps anyone searching :)

Nine words women use...

2008-10-20T21:16:00.000+01:00

1.) Fine : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.   

2.) Five Minutes : If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.   

3.) Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.   

4.) Go Ahead : This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!   

5.) Loud Sigh : This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)   

6.) That's Okay : This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.   

7.) Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome.   

8.) Whatever : Is a women's way of saying F@!K YOU!   

9.) Don't worry about it, I'll do it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to #3.Then you RUN!

Counselling

2008-10-02T20:26:00.000+01:00

Jacqueline and her husband Marc went for counselling after 25 years of marriage.

When asked what the problem was, Jacqueline went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking Jacqueline to stand, unbuttoned her blouse, embraced her, put his hands on her breasts, and kissed her passionately as her husband Marc watched with a raised eyebrow.

Jacqueline shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to Marc and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?'

Marc thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf.'

Proof that Men Have Better Friends..

2008-08-19T20:29:00.001+01:00

Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night.
The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house.
The man called his wife's 10 best Friends.
None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night.
The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house.
The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.
Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.

Shumpy

2008-08-18T21:15:00.000+01:00

I read that Simon Cowell is extremely wealthy and spends 500k on his personal security every year.

Wouldn't it be a lot cheaper if he tried to be a little bit less of a c*nt?

The Perfect Woman

2008-08-12T23:26:00.000+01:00

After 20 years of marriage

2008-08-08T18:11:00.000+01:00

After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the missus felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach.

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg.

He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, 'That was wonderful. Why did you stop?'

He said, 'I found the remote'.

Shumpy

Olden But Golden

2008-08-08T18:07:00.001+01:00

What are Superman's two worst enemies ?

Kryptonite and horses.

Alone

2008-08-06T21:53:00.000+01:00

From childhood's hour I have not been
As others were; I have not seen
As others saw; I could not bring
My passions from a common spring.
From the same source I have not taken
My sorrow; I could not awaken
My heart to joy at the same tone;
And all I loved, I loved alone.
Then- in my childhood, in the dawn
Of a most stormy life- was drawn
From every depth of good and ill
The mystery which binds me still:
From the torrent, or the fountain,
From the red cliff of the mountain,
From the sun that round me rolled
In its autumn tint of gold,
From the lightning in the sky
As it passed me flying by,
From the thunder and the storm,
And the cloud that took the form
(When the rest of Heaven was blue)
Of a demon in my view.

Edgar Allan Poe

Aging Aunt Mildred ...

2008-08-06T21:39:00.001+01:00

.. was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband.

She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman.

The doctor said, 'Your heart would be just below your left breast'.

Later that night........ Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

2008-08-06T21:05:00.001+01:00

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on diet. 

'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks.

  The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.

  When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60lbs!

  'Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?' 

The Irishman nodded...'I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day.'

  'From the hunger, you mean?' asked the doctor.

  'No, from the f** kin' skippin'

Nine Words Women Use

2008-08-06T20:39:00.001+01:00

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' . that will bring on a 'whatever').

(8) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying F**K YOU!

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

2008-08-02T23:11:00.001+01:00

To see a world in a grain of sand
And a heaven in a wild flower, 
Hold infinity in the palm of your hand 
And eternity in an hour. 

—William Blake

?

2008-08-02T23:10:00.001+01:00

Q: What's black and white and eats like a horse?

A: A zebra.

2008-08-02T23:07:00.002+01:00

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.

The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee, inspected the elephant's foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.

Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.

As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing.

The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure.

He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

who else?

Father John

2008-08-02T23:02:00.000+01:00

It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath, and the young nun, Sister Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed. Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.

The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.

'Oh, sister,' said the young nun dreamily, 'I've been saved.'

'Saved? And how did that come about?' asked the old nun.

'Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven.'

'Did he now?' said the old nun evenly.

Sister Magdalene continued, 'And Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fits my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured salvation and eternal peace and then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock.'

'Is that a fact?' said the old nun even more evenly.

'At first it hurt terribly but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy and it did. It felt so good being saved.'

'That wicked old bastard,' exclaimed the old nun. 'He told me it was Gabriel's Horn and I've been blowing it for 40 years.'

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.

2008-08-02T22:58:00.001+01:00

George Phillips of Marsh Green, Wigan was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked 'Is someone in your house?' and he said 'no'.

Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.

George said, 'Okay,' hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

'Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them.' Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response Unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George: 'I thought you said that you'd shot them!'

George said, 'I thought you said there was nobody available!'

2008-07-30T10:30:00.002+01:00

A bear walks into a bar and says, "I want a bourbon and.............................................. coke"

The bartender asks "what's with the huge pause?"

The bear says, "I've had them all my life."

The Pope's camera

2008-07-28T22:18:00.001+01:00

The Pope was having a shower. Although he is very strict about the Celibacy rules, he occasionally felt the need to exercise the right wrist, and this was one of these occasions.

Just as he reached the Papal Climax, he saw a paparazzi photographer capturing the moment of the holy seed flying through the air.

'Hold on a minute' said the Pope. 'You can't publish that. You'll destroy the reputation of the Catholic Church'.

'This picture is my lottery win' said the photographer. 'I'll be financially secure for life'.

So, the Pope offered to buy the camera from the photographer, and after lots of negotiation, they eventually arrived at a figure of two million dollars.

The Pope then dried himself off and headed off with his new camera. He met his housekeeper, who spotted the camera. 'That looks like a really good camera' he said 'how much did it cost you?'

'Two million dollars' replied the Pope.

'TWO MILLION DOLLARS!' said the housekeeper, 'They must have seen you coming'

Devon & Cornwall Police Force

2008-07-28T22:11:00.002+01:00

This is (allegedly) a genuine complaint to Devon & Cornwall Police Force from an angry member of the public. Lengthy but brilliantly written.....

Dear Sir/madam/automated telephone answering service,

Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Bodmin police station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and try e-mailing you instead. Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to your colleagues in Bodmin, by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or Ouija board.

As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments (I think you call them youths) in St Mary's Crescent, which is just off St Mary's Road in Bodmin. Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite.

This causes an earth shattering CLANG! which rings throughout the entire building. This game is now in its third week and as I am unsure how the scoring system works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon. The remaining five walking abortions are happily rummaging through several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins.

One of them has found a saw and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on speed. I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited attention to the bottle of calor gas that is lying on its side between the two bins. If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off then I would happily leave them to it. I would even go so far as to lend them the matches. Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the street with them and I've just finished decorating the kitchen.

What I suggest is this - after replying to this e-mail with worthless assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with, why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night) when there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a panda car before doing a three point turn and disappearing again. This will of course serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen actually look like.

I trust that when I take a claw hammer to the skull of one of these throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head start before coming to arrest me.

I remain sir, your obedient servant
???????

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Mr ??????,

I have read your e-mail and understand you frustration at the problems caused by youth playing in the area and the problems you have encountered in trying to contact the police. As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend an offer of discussing the matter fully with you.

Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details (address / telephone number) and when may be suitable.

Regards

PC ?
Community Beat Officer

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear PC ?

First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my original e-mail. 16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for Bodmin Police station, and rest assured that I will forward these details to Norris McWhirter for inclusion in his next book.

Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has its own community beat officer.

May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills? In the five or so years I have lived in St Mary's Crescent , I have never seen you. Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated the gang itself? Are you the one with the acne and the moustache on his forehead or the one with a chin like a wash hand basin? It's surely only a matter of time before you are head-hunted by MI5.

Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking place in Bodmin, such as smoking in a public place or being Muslim without due care and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain (using words of no more than two syllables at a time) to these twats that they might want to play their strange football game elsewhere. The pitch on Fairpark Road , or the one at Priory Park are both within spitting distance as is the bottom of the Par Dock.

Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free to contact me on If after 25 minutes I have still failed to answer, I'll buy you a large one in the Cat and Fiddle Pub.

Regards
?

P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you don't work for the cleansing department, with whom I am also in contact!!

2008-07-05T00:01:00.001+01:00

The government plan to introduce sex education in schools at the age of four.

I myself started receiving sex education at this age, in fact my uncle used to ram it down my throat.

2008-07-04T23:48:00.001+01:00

If size doesn't matter, how come my girlfriend's vibrator isn't three inches and crooked?

Mia At Weeks

2008-07-04T23:42:00.003+01:00

She is such a fighter I see a future Gooner in the making.

I Don't Know Who She Is ..

2008-07-04T00:31:00.000+01:00

... But She Seems To Know Me.

Wimbledon

2008-07-04T00:26:00.000+01:00

Hearty congratulations to Venus Williams on beating Elena Dementieva to get to the final of Wimbledon.

I mean have you looked at Dementieva? She's gorgeous.

How Venus managed to concentrate on her tennis with an erection is beyond me.

The Sky At Night

2008-07-04T00:16:00.002+01:00

Terms for Female Masturbation

2008-07-01T22:41:00.001+01:00

5 Digit Disco
Buzzing the honey hole
Backslappin' Betty
Bailing out the Gravy Boat
Beaver bashin'
Bouncing the bearded clam
Buffing the box
Buffing the jewel
Buttering up the whisker biscuit
Clam twiddlin' jamboree
Critter crammin'
Damming the beaver
Dialing "O" on the little pink telephone
Diddling miss daisy
Diggin' for clams
Digitis Erectus
Fingering the fountain
Flicking the minnow
Friday night lip service
Frosting the muffin of love
Giving yourself the finger
Going for the gooey duct
Impeaching Bush
Juicing the clam
Let your fingers do the walking
Lip smacking
Menage a'moi
Petting the kitty
Piddly Diddler
Playing the squeezebox
Pokin' the pie
Polishing the little pink pearl
Pumping the kooter
Punchin' the chipmunk
Reading in Braille
Riding the clitoris-sauras
Romancing thy own
Roughing up the suspect
Self-guided tuna boat tour
Smacking Jerry Garcia on the nose
Spanking Lucy
Stroking the newt
Ticklin' the taco
Tissue tickling
Twirling the pearl
Unbuttoning the fur coat
Warming the wrist rocket

cheers Shumpy

Morality test

2008-07-01T22:36:00.000+01:00

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.

The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision.

Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.

Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.

THE SITUATION
You are in England, York to be specific.

There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding.

This is a flood of biblical proportions.

You are a photo-journalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless.

You're trying to shoot career-making photos.

There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing into the water.

Nature is unleashing all its destructive fury.

THE TEST
Suddenly, you see a man in the water. He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris.

You move closer... Somehow, the man looks familiar...

You suddenly realise who it is... It's Gordon Brown the Prime Minister! You noticed that the raging waters are about to take him under forever.

You have two options:

You can save the life of Gordon Brown or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize-winning photo, documenting the death of one of the country's most powerful men!

THE QUESTION
Here's the question, and please give an honest answer...

Would you select high contrast colour film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?

Golf

2008-07-01T22:35:00.000+01:00

A Catholic Priest, an Indian Doctor, a rich Chinese Businessman and an Aussie were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.

The Aussie fumed, "What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"

The Indian Doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such poor golf!"

The Chinese Businessman called out "Move it, time is money"

The Catholic Priest said, "Here comes George the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."

"Hello, George!", said the Catholic Priest, "What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

George the greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group fell silent for a moment.

The Catholic Priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The Indian Doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The Chinese Businessman replied, "I think I'll donate $50,000 to the fire-fighters in honor of these brave souls"

The Aussie said, "Why can't they fucking play at night?"

2008-06-08T22:23:00.001+01:00

Saw an article in a women's magazine entitled "All Men Are Liars" - which was strange because it was right next to an advert for Wonderbra.

Recent letter to Walter's Agony Uncle column

2008-06-06T22:37:00.001+01:00

Dear Walter

I hope you can help me here, The other day i set off for work, leaving my husband in the house watching television as usual. I hadn’t gone more than a mile when the car engine conked out and shuddered to a halt.

I walked back home to get my husband's help, but when I got home I couldn't believe my eyes, he was in the bedroom having sex with a lady neighbour!

I am 32 and my husband is 34, we have been married for 12 years, when I confronted him he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months! I told him to stop seeing her or I'd leave him.

He was made redundant from his job 7 months ago and he says he’s been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless.

I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become more and more distant to me. I don’t think I can stand much more of this, and cry myself to sleep most nights. Is there anything you can suggest to help please?

Margaret X from Usk

Dear Margaret

A car stalling after being driven such a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. if it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburettor float chamber.

I hope this helps

Walter

2008-06-06T22:28:00.001+01:00

Big Brother 9.

Sixteen f@cking weirdos in a small house in Elstree.

Never a suicide bomber around when you need one.

2008-06-06T00:53:00.001+01:00

My ex-girlfriend has a picture of a sea shell tattooed on her inner thigh.

If you put your ear to it, you can smell the ocean.

An Irishman ...

2008-06-05T23:57:00.000+01:00

An Irishman, fed up with anti-Irish jokes, starts taking English elocution lessons.

After a few successful weeks he goes to the shops to try it out.

"I'll have an Observer, a Telegraph and a Times, please Sir", he says to the shop-keeper.

"Are you Irish?" asks the shop-keeper

"How did you know?" replies the shocked Irishman.

"Well, this is a fish and chip shop, mate."

US Map Simplified for Rednecks

2008-06-05T23:54:00.002+01:00

cheers Larry

Three women:

2008-06-04T00:54:00.000+01:00

one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men...that night all three will wear a leather bodice, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes.

After a few days they meet again.....

The engaged girlfriend: 'The other night when my boyfriend came back home, he found me with the leather bodice, 4' stilettos and a mask. When he saw me he said, 'You are the woman of my life, I love you'...then we made love all night long.

The mistress: 'Ah! Me too, the other night I met my lover in the office and I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn't say anything.....but we had wild sex all night.'

The married one: 'The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mother's for the night. I got myself ready- leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes. My husband comes home from work, opens the door and says, 'Hey Batman, what's for dinner?'

thanks Doug

Welcome To The World

2008-05-28T00:20:00.004+01:00

My Niece, Mia Willow Grace

Born 25th May 2008 - Weighing 2lb 6oz

Congratulations James and Catharine.

Breaking News

2008-05-28T00:20:00.001+01:00

Wedding Night

2008-05-28T00:10:00.000+01:00

A guy, on his wedding night is about to get it on with his newly wed for the first time in their hotel, they start to undress and he says, "God, I never realised that your tits were this small." The wife gets all upset and understandably throws him out.

While he is sitting in the hall another guy comes out down the hall, The first man said , "Hey, What happened?"

"Well I first saw my wife naked for the first time tonight, and all I said was whooo I never new your arse was that big, and she just threw me out just like that.

Just then a third guy also on his wedding night like the first to guys, comes storming out into the hall. "Hey, did you put your foot in it as well?" ask the two men already outside.

"No" says the third guy, "But I bloody well could have."

2008-05-25T00:03:00.001+01:00

The Peace of Wild Things

 When despair for the world grows in me 
and I wake in the night at the least sound
 in fear of what my life and my children's lives may be,
 I go and lie down where the wood drake 
rests in his beauty on the water, and the great heron feeds.
 I come into the peace of wild things
 who do not tax their lives with forethought 
of grief. I come into the presence of still water. 
And I feel above me the day-blind stars 
waiting with their light. For a time 
I rest in the grace of the world, and am free.

 —Wendell Berry

A waste

2008-05-24T08:46:00.001+01:00

Just been down the new sperm bank in town, they actually pay you for your sperm!

When I think of all the money I've let slip through my fingers over the years...

Snippets from the week's news, sliced, diced and processed for your convenience by BBCi.

2008-05-24T08:44:00.001+01:00

1. "Nice" originally meant foolish or silly.
More details

2. More rural homes have broadband than urban dwellings.
More details

3. 27% of people have opened a bottle with their teeth.
More details

4. Britain has the fifth largest Jewish population in the world.
More details

5. Brain chemical oxytocin makes us trust strangers with money.
More details

6. Women drivers are three times more likely than men to suffer whiplash injuries if their car is hit from behind.
More details

7. Archbishop of Canterbury Rowan Williams is deaf in one ear.
More details

8. Skunks can be de-scented to make better pets.
More details

9. You can lessen jet lag by not eating.
More details

10. The "$100 laptop" now costs $75.
More details

Good News At Last

2008-05-20T09:25:00.001+01:00

Things are picking up in Burma.

My mate owns a bar over there. He reakons his customers are starting to drift back in......

Bit late, but hey.

2008-05-18T21:12:00.000+01:00

2008-05-18T21:06:00.000+01:00

An Israeli doctor said, 'Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.'

A German doctor said, 'That's nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.'

A Russian doctor said, 'In my country medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.'

The English doctor, not to be outdone, said 'Hah!. We can take an arsehole out of Scotland, put him in 10 Downing Street and have half the country looking for work within twenty-four hours

Two women were playing golf.

2008-05-18T20:56:00.001+01:00

One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men.

He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologise.

"Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me", she told him.

"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes", the man replied.

He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, "How does that feel"?

He replied: "It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken."

YOUR ASTROLOGICAL WEEK AHEAD

2008-05-18T20:50:00.002+01:00

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Maybe you are not an artist, but you can still have fun making doodles. If a cutie asks what you are doing, ask them to sit for you. You might get to see pubes!

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Remember the number of that guy you slept with, which is stuffed into your wallet? Well, dig it out and call. Maybe he will know why it burns when you pee.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Someone you've been secretly admiring has been checking you out right back. That’s them with the binoculars. Next to the policeman.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Pick up the phone and a call a faraway friend. Ask them what they are wearing. Stroke yourself until you go off. That’s better!

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Right now the stars are right for updating your online dating profile. Spend some time crafting clever copy, and add some recent photos of someone else. No point in wasting all that effort on writing.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
You're finding it super easy to talk to people, and keep them hanging on your every word. That’s because they don’t have a gun.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Start the week off right by writing down all your social engagements. Now what?

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
You met someone new who really likes you a lot, but it doesn't quite click for you. No problem. Sleep with them until someone better comes along.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
When you meet someone who sparks your interest, don’t just point at your crotch and make grunting noises. Point at theirs too, silly!

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Are you feeling uncertain about what your future holds? You and me both babe. I’m shitting it.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Don't feel lost. Maybe losing a partner is an improvement. Now you get to masturbate whenever you like, not just when they are pretending to be asleep.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Some little thing sets you off in a big way, at least offer to clean it off her shoes, it’s the least you can do!

The Daily Mash

Snippets from the week's news, sliced, diced and processed for your convenience by BBCi

2008-05-18T20:46:00.002+01:00

1. Nice, in the economic terms in which Bank of England governor Mervyn King was speaking, stands for "non-inflationary constant expansion".

More details (This is Money)

2. The rubble from the old Wembley Stadium was turned into man-made hills.

More details

3. Gordon Brown is a Bee Gees fan.

More details

4. Neil Diamond has never had a number one album in the United States... until now.

More details

5. Locusts combine into swarms because they are frightened of being eaten by each other.

More details

6. Knitting patterns of trademarked characters can breach copyright.

More details

7. The search for extraterrestrial life does not contradict a belief in God.

More details

8. The Ministry of Defence has amassed 160 files on UFOs, containing details of 8,000 sightings.

More details

9. A child of three is expected to know about 300 words.

More details

10. Sloths aren't lazy.

More details

A Little Poem Regarding Computer Spell Checkers...

2008-05-16T20:49:00.000+01:00

Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.

thanks to fudgie

For Hanffy

2008-05-12T00:22:00.000+01:00

He Wishes for the Cloths of Heaven

Had I the heavens' embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with the golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and half-light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams beneath your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams...

William Butler Yeats

The Lie Detector

2008-05-07T21:54:00.001+01:00

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick.

His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.

One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases.

It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy,

Their 11 year old son, returned home from school.

Tommy was over 2 hours late.

"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John.

"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.

The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."

"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.

"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.

"The Ten Commandments." a nswered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair once more.

With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."

"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."

The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one!

You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"

With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

thanks Shumpy

NSFW

2008-04-27T00:57:00.001+01:00

Reckon you know your real boobs from the fake ones?

Take this test

Rodney Dangerfield

2008-04-27T00:43:00.000+01:00

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home!

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.

If it weren't for pickpocket s, I'd have no sex life at all.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes off.

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, "Why?" He said, "Because you came home early."

My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.

I know I' m not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.

My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.

My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex; she called me from Chicago last night.

My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't of had anything to play with.

THIS IS FOR MEN WHO ARE TIRED OF RECEIVING MALE-BASHING JOKES

2008-04-27T00:25:00.001+01:00

How many men does it take to open a beer?  None, it should be open when she brings it.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?  When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me."

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?  The dog, he'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?  A woman that won't do what she's told.

I married Miss Right.  I just didn't know her first name was Always.

What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?  Divorced.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.

Marriage is a 3-ring circus:  Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.

Our last fight was my fault:  My wife asked me "What's on the TV?", > I said "Dust"

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.  Then God created Man and rested.  Then God created Woman.  Since then, no-one has rested.

Why do men die before their wives?  They want to.

Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"  Dad: "That happens in every country, son"

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.

The Stock Report.

2008-04-26T23:56:00.000+01:00

Helium was up. Feathers were down.
Paper was stationary. Knives were up sharply.
Pencils lost a few points. Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued a slow decline.
Light switches were off. Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
Diapers remained unchanged. Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
Balloon prices were inflated. And batteries exploded in an attempt to
recharge the market.

cheers Shumpy

NSFW

2008-04-26T23:40:00.000+01:00

Moan My IP

cheers Shumpy

2008-04-25T16:12:00.000+01:00

2008-04-25T16:05:00.002+01:00

A Brothel Madam opened the brothel door and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties. "May I help you?" she asked.

"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.

"No. I must see Valerie," he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $5,000 a visit.

Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the same man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.

Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row -- too expensive -- and there were no discounts. The price was still $5,000.

Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie questioned the man. "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.

The man replied, "South Carolina."

"Really?" she said. "I have family in South Carolina."

"I know," the man said. "Your father died, and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance."

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer

cheers Ken Shabby

Happy St George's Day

2008-04-23T07:48:00.002+01:00

KING HENRY V

Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more;
Or close the wall up with our English dead.
In peace there's nothing so becomes a man
As modest stillness and humility:
But when the blast of war blows in our ears,
Then imitate the action of the tiger;
Stiffen the sinews, summon up the blood,
Disguise fair nature with hard-favour'd rage;
Then lend the eye a terrible aspect;
Let pry through the portage of the head
Like the brass cannon; let the brow o'erwhelm it
As fearfully as doth a galled rock
O'erhang and jutty his confounded base,
Swill'd with the wild and wasteful ocean.
Now set the teeth and stretch the nostril wide,
Hold hard the breath and bend up every spirit
To his full height. On, on, you noblest English.
Whose blood is fet from fathers of war-proof!
Fathers that, like so many Alexanders,
Have in these parts from morn till even fought
And sheathed their swords for lack of argument:
Dishonour not your mothers; now attest
That those whom you call'd fathers did beget you.
Be copy now to men of grosser blood,
And teach them how to war. And you, good yeoman,
Whose limbs were made in England, show us here
The mettle of your pasture; let us swear
That you are worth your breeding; which I doubt not;
For there is none of you so mean and base,
That hath not noble lustre in your eyes.
I see you stand like greyhounds in the slips,
Straining upon the start. The game's afoot:
Follow your spirit, and upon this charge
Cry 'God for Harry, England, and Saint George!'

University where it's 'legal to carry guns'

2008-04-17T23:55:00.002+01:00

It's been a year since Cho Seung-Hui shot dead 32 people before killing himself at Virginia Tech University in the US. As America mourns 12 months on, Newsbeat has been to Utah to investigate the only state in the country where it's legal to carry guns on college campuses.

As Brent gets ready for class, he grabs a couple of text books, his backpack, and his 9mm semi-automatic Glock handgun. He straps it to his belt.
He said: "There have been a couple of times in my life where I've been wishing I had a way to defend myself.

"I've noticed that I'm completely at the mercy of other people and I don't like that feeling."

He's 25 and is a student at the University of Utah. Yeah, more guns, that's what we need.

TOP 10 Shirts To Get Arrested In

2008-04-17T23:47:00.002+01:00

10. Never mention Sex in the pen

9. Bambi: Kmart by day, Stripper by night

8. Say that to the judge.

7. Better hope you aren’t sharing a cell with one.

6. He must have been busy…your whole life.

5. About bunnies? No.

4. Better hope you’re in jail for less than that.

3. Arrested Drunks go to jail.

2. Except in this case.

1. No, but you are awesome.

Thanks Larry

Blonde GUY joke!

2008-04-17T23:32:00.001+01:00

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I 'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos! one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The blond guy opened his lunch and said, " Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death too.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said, "Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch."

cheers Larry

Spread the Stupidity

2008-04-17T23:19:00.001+01:00

Only in America .....do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in America .....do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

Only in America .....do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Only in America ......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the Driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Only in America .....do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Only in America .. ...do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

EVER WONDER ...

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin ?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, Why do they call the airport the terminal?

cheers Larry