Football

So Graham Poll, Englands top, err hemm!! Referee has, having been shown three yellow cards by FIFA, decided to retire from tournament football.

He was quoted as saying "The whole three yellow cards mess was the last straw and FIFA told me to get on my bike, which was strange, and also lucky because Germany seems to be full of old "Dutch' bicycles."

The Germany v Argentina game was marred by some on field violence at the end of the penalty shoot out. An Argentinian player let fly a kick, of amazing accuracy concidering the misses in the shoot out, right into the knackers of a German player. Handbags and windmills followed as did some ruthless German efficiency in confiscating any video tape showing the incident.

Poland has declared a state of emergency as large masses of Germans and Italians were seen heading towards Berlin, near the Polish border. The Polish defence minister was quoted as saying "In 1939......."

The countdown to England v Portugal has started and the English FA are making the last minute preparations of dusting of John Denvers "I'm leaving on a jet plane, don't know when I'll be back again." This is to replace "God Save The Queen" as Ashley Cole decided to take a high court writ out against the writer as he felt it incriminated him unfairly.