St. George Unofficial Bank Holiday

Tuesday, January 01, 2008

7 Things That Only Make Sense When You're Drunk

Most of you have been there (and those of you too young to drink will soon find out for yourselves): you've had too much to drink and suddenly, drunk-logic takes hold of your mind. This is when you see start to see things in a different light and things that normally wouldn't make sense when you're sober suddenly seem like a totally good idea. It is in celebration of this inebriated state of mind that we present to you the top 7 things that only make sense after you've flooded your system with bacteria piss, aka alcohol.

With New Years around the corner, you're likely to imbibe a few spirits to celebrate. Please make sure to keep away from these stupid moves you're likely to make while drunk.

7- Drinking crappy beer
Unless you're a drunk or a college frat boy, chances are you won't go near crappy beer. We're talking about the stuff that costs like a dollar fifty for a six-pack. You turn your nose up at it and say things like, "Dude, that crap tastes like a diabetic's piss." And rightly so because crappy beer sucks. But when you're drunk, it doesn't matter what it says on the label: so long as it'll maintain your buzz, you'll suck it down like it was Coca-Cola. Hell, they could juice a skunk's ass and put it in a bottle and you'd probably take a swig if you were drunk enough, wouldn't you? Speaking of which, isn't it about time you called your AA sponsor?

6- Going home with a stranger
Remember that Seinfeld episode where Elaine makes a blind date with the wake-up call guy based solely on his voice, and Jerry makes a fuss because he claims that 95% of the population is undateable? And when Elaine asks how people are getting together, he says "Alcohol"? We all laughed and you know why? Because it's true. Try going to a bar and asking someone to go home and have sex with you when you're sober: chances are, you can't work up the courage. Now try doing it when the other person is sober: chances are, you'll end up having to register as a sex offender.

But do it when you're drunk and you'll probably swagger over to your target like you were Hugh Hefner and James Bond rolled up into one. And if the other person is drunk, chances are they'll find you a hell of a lot more attractive than they would have sober; hell, if they blink hard enough, you could almost pass for someone who sort of looks like Brad Pitt. But guess what? You don't look like Brad Pitt. Not even a little bit.

5- Eating Whatever Is Put In Front Of You
When you're hungry, you eat; that's the most primary reaction we have as animals. But when you're drunk and hungry, you don't just eat, you fucking eeeeat! The strange thing is, the more inebriated you are, the lower you standards. The best example of this: Denny's. You ever been to a Denny's during the day? It's downright depressing, isn't it? You're sitting there going, "What the hell am I doing eating at a Denny's? How did I let my life go so far down the toilet?" But fast forward time to 2:15 a.m. on a Saturday night (that's right after last-call, as if you didn't know- and you're hopping into line like Wolfgang Puck was in the kitchen dishing out Moons Over My Hammy's.

This applies to every nasty ass fast food place, grease ball slop joint and street meat cart around; when you're drunk, you just can't help stuffing your face full of the first greasy thing you can get your hands on? Speaking of which, if you're willing to drive me, I'll totally pay for your order of 7-11 nachos.

4- Whatever The Hell It Is That Drunk Guy Is Saying
Have you ever been stuck in a social situation where you had to listen to some idiot ramble on with some crazy theory about a topic that you don't care about? When you're sober, you usually try to humor the person for as long as you can stand and then find a reasonable excuse to walk away. But what happens when you add alcohol into the mix? Suddenly, you're transfixed by what this crazy person is saying to you and for whatever reason, it's making a hell of lot of sense. You're nodding along, going "Dude, that is so true!" It's downright life-altering, isn't it?

But try and remember the conversation the next day and you'll find that you either can't or if you do, it makes absolutely no sense. Which is really too bad because you probably ran into the drunk equivalent of Confuscius at a party one night and learned something really profound but then you had to screw it up by being sober the next day. But don't be mad: enlightenment is overrated anyway.

3- Whatever The Hell It Is That You're Saying
This is just like the previous example except this time, you're the idiot with the crazy theory.

2- Getting One Last Drink
We're all reasonable people, right? I mean, we all know our limits or at the least, we're vaguely aware of them. But those limits go right out the window when you're drunk. Nevermind that you're on your ninth pint and that you've already expelled the Chinese food you had earlier into the gutter outside the bar; when that bartender yells "Last call!" you're already starting to chug whatever's left in your glass so you can get in one last order.

This is also why you agree to get one last drink when every single ounce of your being is telling you to go home and crawl into bed. You're trying to stagger outside to get a cab and your buddy says, "Come on, get one last drink." If your sober self could answer, you'd say, "Dude, no, I have work in the morning." But your drunk thought progress says, "What a well reasoned argument my chum is offering me. I'd be foolish to say no." And bam, you get yourself one last drink, when you know you shouldn't. Straw that broke the camel's back? More like the drink that made you call in sick to work.

1- Drunk Dialing Your Ex
There's a reason why you stopped talking to your ex but when you're drunk, it's hard to remember what the hell it was. Your sober self could tell you-your ex is completely psychotic and your friends would kill you-but the heart wants what the heart wants, especially if that heart has been pickling in an alcohol solution for half the night.

So go ahead and arrange that after hours rendezvous with your ex or give that former special person the perfect telling off-your sober self can deal with the aftermath the next morning. The poor jerk.

cheers to Shumpy
Leave fur where it belongs