Jokes

My boyfriend, not happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.

When I'm in a good mood it turns green.

When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big f*cking red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.

--

My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight."

He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.

--

A couple are lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."

The woman says, "I'll miss you."

--

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A: A rumour.

--

He said - Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you really badly.

She said - Well, you've succeeded.

--

He said 'Shall we try swapping positions tonight?'.

She said 'That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart'.

--

He said 'What have you been doing with all the grocery money that I gave you?'.

She said 'Turn sideways and look in the mirror you fat bastard'.

--

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?

A: 45 minutes.

--

Q: What's the fastest way to a man's heart?

A: Through his chest with a sharp knife.

--

Q: Why do men want to marry virgins?

A: They can't stand criticism.

--

Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good looking?

A: Because those men already have boyfriends.

--

Q: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

A: The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

cheers George [??]