St. George Unofficial Bank Holiday

Monday, April 30, 2007


Liverpool have been dealt a major blow ahead of their Champions League Semi Final second leg by the news that Chelsea striker Andriy Shevchenko has been ruled out through injury.

Sources close to to the club siad that Liverpool manager Rafael Benitez was inconsolable.


Following the furore and subsequent apologies from television companies regarding phone-in competitions that viewers had no chance of winning, Tottenham Hotspur Football Club has issued writs to U.E.F.A, the Football Assosciation and the Premier League, for allowing them to enter competitions for years that they had no chance of winning.

Sunday, April 29, 2007


titivate (TIT-i-vayt) verb tr., intr.

To make smarter; to spruce up; to decorate.

Elevator Hug

This virtual hug is meant to help raise funds for Meagan’s Walk which raises funds to fight paediatric brain tumours.
Meagan’s Walk was started by Denise Bebenek after her 5 year old daughter Meagan died of a brain tumour 6 years ago.

Every year on Mother’s Day, Denise leads thousands of people to hug SickKids where Meagan had received such excellent care.

This virtual hug remembers her love of laughter and of hugs.

If it makes you smile, I hope you will consider sharing this virtual hug with your friends and maybe even consider donating to this worthy cause.

Watch this Virtual Hug

Meagan’s Walk - Find out more

Thank to Mike

Jokes From The Edinburgh Festival Fringe

Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.
Jimmy Carr

The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears.
Chris Addison at the Pleasance

My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
Patrick Monahan at the Gilded Balloon

The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died... Dido must be sh*tting herself.
Colin & Fergus at the Pleasance

My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child ... well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night.
Susan Murray at the Underbelly

Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks?
Adam Bloom at the Pleasance

My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when I was two, 'cause they wanted me to sound like a tw*t.
Susan Murray at the Underbelly

You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, because eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite flower?" And you murmur to yourself: "Sh*t, I wasn't listening .Self-raising?"
Addy Van-Der-Borgh at the Assembly Rooms

The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and punched someone in the face.
Jeremy Limb, at the Trap

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help".
Mark Watson, Rhod Gilbert at the Tron

I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take the Girl out of Cork ..
Markus Birdman at the Pod Deco

Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along. Turned out it was a bloody hoax.
Adrian Poynton at the Pleasance

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.
Demetri Martin at the Assembly Rooms

A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please". The hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join the circus?" The dog replies: "What would the circus want with a plumber".
Steven Alan Green at C34

Hey - you want to feel really handsome? Go shopping at Asda.
Brendon Burns at the Pleasance

I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud "I've already got one!"
Norman Lovett at The Stand

It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake.
Chris Addison at the Pleasance

I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I'm not very good at it.
Arnold Brown at The Stand

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that.
Milton Jones at the Underbelly

I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.
Marcus Brigstocke at the Assembly Rooms

Golden Oldie

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken back because he can't place where he knows her from.

So he says, "Do you know me?"

To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."

Some Quotes

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
--Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
-- Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
--William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."
-- Moses Hadas

"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know."
--Abraham Lincoln

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
--Groucho Marx

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
--Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."
-- Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend...if you have one."
--George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second...if there is one."
--Winston Churchill, in response

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."
--Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."
-- John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
--Irvin S. Cobb

"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt."
--Robert Redford

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."
-- Forrest Tucker

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
--Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
--Oscar Wilde

Thursday, April 26, 2007

A man kills a deer and takes it home, where his wife cooks it for dinner.

When their little daughter sees the unfamiliar meat, she asks her father what it is.

"Well", says dad, "It's what mummy calls me sometimes."

"Don't eat it!" the little girl screams, "It's a fucking arsehole!

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Man Cuts Off Cock..

A man cut off his penis with a knife in a packed London restaurant.
Police were forced to use CS gas to restrain the man when they entered the Zizzi restaurant in The Strand on Sunday evening.

A Metropolitan Police spokeswoman said the man was aged between 30 and 40 and that his injuries were self-inflicted.

The man was then taken to hospital in south London where his condition is stable. It is understood surgeons were unable to reattach his penis. Full Story

Monday, April 23, 2007

For England and St. George

The New Jerusalem

And did those feet in ancient time
Walk upon England's mountains green?
And was the holy Lamb of God
On England's pleasant pastures seen?

And did the Countenance Divine
Shine forth upon our clouded hills?
And was Jerusalem builded here
Among these dark Satanic Mills?

Bring me my bow of burning gold!
Bring me my arrows of desire!
Bring me my spear! O clouds, unfold!
Bring me my charriot of fire!

I will not cease from mental fight,
Nor shall my sword sleep in my hand
Till we have built Jerusalem
In England's green and pleasant land
William Blake

Thursday, April 19, 2007

The Aussie Swimmer

A female Australian Olympic swimmer complained to her team-mates that she was worried that she was starting to grow hair in scary places.

"Where?" they asked.

"Oh, she replied, "mostly on my nuts".

Motivational Posters 1

Motivational Posters 2

Motivational Posters 3

Motivational Posters 4

Polar Bears

cheers Shumpy

It's all about priorities!

Olden but Golden

An elderly couple go to a sex therapist's office.

The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?"

The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finish, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse."

He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them £50 and he says goodbye.

The next week, however, the couple return and asks the sex therapist to watch again.

The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row.

The couple makes an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?"

The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges £98. The Hilton charges £139. We do it here for £50, and I get £43 back from BUPA!"
thanks G

Why Men use post-it notes

cheers Greg

Saturday, April 14, 2007

Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen.
-- Mark Twain

Friday, April 13, 2007

I have no idea?

image hosted by ImageVenue.com
cheers Shumpy

Thursday, April 12, 2007

Some Truth At Last

Carly is doing it!

All round Super Fox and main reason to watch Hollyoaks Carly Stenson is saying yes to a St Georges Day Holiday. What about you?

Check out the link top left.

International Google Day

Today is International Disadvantaged People's Day.

Please send an encouraging message to a retarded friend...just as I've done.

I don't care if you lick windows, eat paint chips, take the short bus or occasionally crap yourself...You hang in there sunshine, you're special!

Please forward all complaints to Shumpy

"Must shoot, my inbox is flashing!"

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Cool name

Did you know that this months CoEd of the Month is named Sloan Swallow? I wonder if she does?


Being on the sore end of "deletion for copyright violations" on more than a few occasions I was amused to be offered a new service by Blogger/Google.

Apparently you can now have a "video bar" on your blog "Displaying clips from YouTube and Google Video for your readers to watch without leaving your site."

Strange that, as Google are to be sued by Viacom for copyright violations on YouTube to the tune of 1 Billion USD. Read here.

Seems I can host anything with copyright that Google wants to make money from kindly let me host, but sadly not anything of my choosing.

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

A Nice Site

Some links I found to keep you going


1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 - 7 - 8 - 9 - 10 - 11
Leave fur where it belongs