St. George Unofficial Bank Holiday

Sunday, December 16, 2007

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Major accuses Labour of 'sleaze'

Former Prime Minister Sir John Major has accused Labour of presiding over "systemic sleaze" during its 10 years in government.

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Sir John said the government had become "institutionally careless".

He cited as examples the Bernie Ecclestone affair and the latest funding row over David Abrahams. More here

Meanwhile in the Pot, Kettle and black Dept.
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Saturday, December 15, 2007

10 things from BBCi

Snippets from the week's news, sliced, diced and processed for your convenience.

1. Renowned atheist Professor Richard Dawkins likes singing Christmas carols.

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2. The White House grounds are a National Park.

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3. The Australian town of Eucla has its own time zone.

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4. Pentonville prison, when built in 1842, had toilets in all the cells. They were later taken out.

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5. Church of England vicars don't have to wear a collar if there's a "justifiable cause".

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6. Ike Turner made what's widely considered to be the first rock 'n' roll record - Rocket 88 - in 1951.

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7. Iago in Othello is the third longest part in all of Shakespeare's plays.

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8. The strength of wine has increased from 11.5% alcohol by volume (ABV) to 13.5% ABV in recent years.

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9. Police were banned from striking in 1919, after walk-outs that year by officers in London and Liverpool.

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10. Anyone convicted of a criminal offence is bound to pay a £15 "victims' surcharge".

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Friday, December 14, 2007

Murphey's Lesser Known Laws

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

3. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

4. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

5. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

6. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, on a hill, in the fog, and 9 times out of 10, they'll have Texas plates on their car....

7. The things that come to those who wait will be the scraggly junk left by those who got there first.

8. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

9. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

10. When you go into court, you are putting yourself into the hands of people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Monday, December 10, 2007

Man Finally Put In Charge Of Struggling Feminist Movement

WASHINGTON—After decades spent battling gender discrimination and inequality in the workplace, the feminist movement underwent a high-level shake-up last month, when 53-year-old management consultant Peter "Buck" McGowan took over as new chief of the worldwide initiative for women's rights.

McGowan, who now oversees the group's day-to-day operations, said he "couldn't be happier" to bring his ambition, experience, and no-nonsense attitude to his new role as the nation's top feminist.

"All the feminist movement needed to do was bring on someone who had the balls to do something about this glass ceiling business," said McGowan, who quickly closed the 23.5 percent gender wage gap by "making a few calls to the big boys upstairs." "In the world of gender identity and empowered female sexuality, it's all about who you know."

McGowan, who was selected from a pool of roughly 150 million candidates .... Read on at The Onion

In The Shit[ter]

Man's four days trapped in toilet

Mr Leggat was freed from the toilet thanks to a cleaner

A man spent four days trapped in a toilet after the door handle broke.

David Leggat, 55, was unable to raise the alarm after becoming stuck in the toilets at Kittybrewster and Woodside Bowling Club in Aberdeen.

Mr Leggat had no mobile phone or food, and used tap water for refreshment and for heat.

He was only released when cleaner Cathy Scollay arrived and heard his cries for help. She told BBC Scotland: "He said 'I have been locked in for four days'."

Mrs Scollay added: "I went in to work as normal and a voice shouted out. I could not take it in.

"The handle had broken. He was a bit shaky, and was as white as a sheet."

Mr Leggat was said to be none the worse, despite his ordeal.

Snippets from the week's news, sliced, diced and processed for your convenience by BBCi

1. To be declared dead there is no time limit - the seven-year rule only applies in the High Court on the settlement of a disputed estate.

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2. No Briton has been extradited from Panama since an extradition treaty was signed 100 years ago.

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3. JE55USS - and other combinations of letters and numbers with strong religious connotations - cannot be used for personalised number plates. Rude words are also banned.

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4. There are fewer than 50 wild animals performing in UK-owned circuses.

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5. Two-thirds of Ricky Hatton's calorie intake when training for a big fight - and trying to lose excess weight he piles on between bouts - is from meal replacement supplements.

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6. India's "hugging saint" has dispensed 26 million cuddles - her helpers count each off with a clicker.

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7. Books used to be bound in human skin.

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8. Santa Claus, for Dutch and Belgian children, lives in Spain and travels north by steam ship.

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9. One in four children don't count their father as immediate family.

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10. Tango routes are longer routes flown by some airlines to by-pass the expense of flying through several air traffic zones.

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Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make
their days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day Gladys and I went into town and went
into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a policeman writing out a parking ticket.

We went up to him and said, "Come on mate, how about giving a senior citizen a break?" He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.

I called him a Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres. So Gladys called him a shit-head.

He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket.

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, we don't care. We came into town by bus.

We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age

Friday, December 07, 2007

Ricky Hatton

"When the fight is over, Ricky pleases himself mentally. Then, when he's fed up of that, he pleases himself physically and I think they both go hand in hand."

Ricky Hatton's diet trainer, Kerry Kayes

Harry Redknapp

"They searched the house and took a computer away that I bought my wife two years ago - I think she learnt to turn it on four weeks ago."

"I held a meeting with my players. I told them about the agent and that allegedly he had paid some of his fee to the player. All of them wanted his phone number because they had never heard of an agent who wanted to give a player any money!"

"I have received texts from many players who I have worked with - and top managers - and I have really appreciated them. Of course, I couldn't get e-mails because now I haven't got a computer."

Harry Redknapp comes over all PC after laying into police who raided his home during a 'football corruption' investigation. BBCi

He Said

"A man, after he has brushed off the dust and chips of his life, will have left only the hard, clean question: Was it good or was it evil? Have I done well - or ill?"

John Steinbeck

Thursday, December 06, 2007

Fire crew aid in penis operation

Firefighters helped operate on a man who was rushed to hospital after getting a metal ring stuck on the end of his penis.

Doctors at Royal Wigan Infirmary in Greater Manchester put out the alert after fearing the man faced amputation as the ring cut off his blood supply.

Two firefighters used a mini hand grinder to cut through the ring during a 20-minute procedure.

It is understood the man, aged in his 40s, was given an anaesthetic.

The firefighters placed a thin sheet of metal around his penis to protect the skin while removing the ring, which appeared to have been cut off from the end of a pipe.

Greater Manchester Fire and Rescue Service confirmed fire crews were called to the hospital at around 12.10 GMT on Thursday to "deal with a situation".

A spokeswoman for Royal Wigan Infirmary said they were unable to comment about the incident.

There were two blondes who went deep into the frozen woods searching for a Christmas tree.

After hours of subzero temperatures and a few close calls with hungry wolves, one blonde turned to the other and said,

"I'm chopping down the next tree I see. I don't care whether it's decorated or not."

thanks Shumpy
I bought a teddy bear for ten quid, just sold it on ebay for twenty, now I got the Sudanese Muslims after me for making a prophet out of a teddy.

A joke to Di for ..

I went out with a girl last week, she told me she wanted to be 'treated like a Princess'

So I put her in the back of a Mercedes and drove it into a wall.

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

It's easy to carry the past as a burden instead of a school. It's easy to let it overwhelm you instead of educate you.
-Jim Rohn
Leave fur where it belongs