Have a Happy Halloween but spare a thought
for the mother-in-law who will be busy tonight.

Teamwork - UK Style

cheers George

thanks Ric

Tennis Keepy Uppy

Try out this addictive game.

thanks Shumpy

Halloween

13 REAL Haunted Places That Will Make Your Cry For Mommy
Check them out

thanks Michelle

One Of Those Days

Heaven and Hell

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the man.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit heaven."

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."

The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.

"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning...... Today you voted."

thanks Ric

An Ethical Test

Try to answer honestly and then click the link for the answer.

You are running late for work, so you cut through the park to save time.

As you round the corner, you find a very distressed young girl crying because she has spilled her ice cream all over herself.

What do you do?
A) You keep on going and hope that no one sees you.

B) You stop and offer to buy her another ice cream to shut her up.

C) You stop and offer to clean her up and get her another ice cream.

Answer

Quote

"Thinking is one thing no one has ever been able to tax."
- Charles Kettering

"Not yet sonny"
- T. Blair

Maybe A Camera On A Phone Is A Good Idea After All

Smile!

Some Fruit and A Vegetable

Pumpkin

Joke

During one of his morning briefings an aide tells President Bush that three Brazilian soldiers have been killed overnight in Iraq.

President Bush looks at the man and gasps, goes white and and falls of his chair.

After a moment to regain his composure he is helped back into his chair and asks the aide;

"In regular numbers just how many is a Brazilian?"

thanks Jim

Male Maturity

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion.

So I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide.

So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring! She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and flirted with everyone she met. She made me miserable as often as happy. She was great nfun initially and nvery energetic, but directionless.

So I decided to find a girl with some ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am now 67 and am looking for a girl with big tits.

cheers George

10 Types of Bosses You Need to Avoid

10 Types of bosses you need to avoid and it's told with the help of toilets...yup, toilets.

thanks Michelle

Tony Blair

"We'll hold Iraq nerve"
Tony Blair

"Anyway, even though I said I would stay in power, I'm off, to the US, and a cushy little number I lined up while seeing YO! Georgie. Also the man you voted as Deputy PM, well he won't be taking my place. I guess it would be fair to hold a proper election but I couldn't give a f*ck, I'm loaded and sorted, "I'm in the money, I'm in the money...'."

International Rules of Manhood

01: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella

02: It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:

a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.

b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.

c. After wrecking your boss' car.

d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".

e. When she is using her teeth.

03: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

04: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

05: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

06: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However, complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

07: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional.

08: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

09: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never, ever ask who is playing.

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless superrmodel...and it's free.

12: Only in situations of imminent death are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:

a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!

b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!

c. Another set and we can hit the showers!

22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing:

i.e. Both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was occurs.

25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

26: Thou shall not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.

28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever!

cheers Jim

New Link Partner

American Inventor Spot

Loads of stuff like this..
Cutest Halloween Outfits for the Dog
Halloween Dogs

..And this
Allergey Free Cats
Allergey Free

Halloween Dogs, and not a Mother-in-Law in sight!

thanks Shumpy

Barrel Bottoms and Scraping

Guts and Balls

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know
the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below...

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say: "You're next." I hope this clears up any confusion on the subject.

thanks Jim

Latest Victim of Spinach E. Coli Outbreak

thanks Ric

The Eggs

She is in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast.

He walks in. She turns and says, "You've got to make love to me this very moment."

His eyes light up and he thinks, "This is my lucky day."

Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraces her and then gives it his all on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she says, "Thanks," and returns to the stove.

More than a little puzzled, he asks, "What was that all about?"

She explains, "The egg timer's broken."

Shumpy

Australian Sensitivity

Three Aussies were working on a high-rise building project - Steve, Bruce and Bluey.

Steve falls off and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."

Bluey says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Fosters.

Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Bluey?"

"Steve's wife gave it to me," Bluey replies.

"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?"

"Well not exactly," Bluey says. "When she answered the door, I said to

her,'You must be Steve's widow'.

She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.'

And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Fosters you are'."

Waiting For A Bonus?

Words

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female - Any part under a car's hood.
Male - The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female - Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another
Male - Playing hockey without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female - The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner
Male - Leaving a note before taking off for a weekend with the boys

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n
Female - A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male - Trying not to pick up another woman while out with one's girlfriend.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.v.
Female - A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male - Anything that can be done while drinking, and ends with sex.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female - An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
Male - A source of entertainment, self expression, male bonding.

7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female - The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male - Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up having sex.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female - A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male - A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

Jelly sparks toxic waste alert

A pile of jelly left by a road in Germany caused a major security alert after it was mistaken for toxic waste.

A large area near the town of Halle was cordoned off after a "flabby red, orange and green substance" was found by the road, Reuters reported.

Fire officers in protective suits spent two hours inspecting the substance before concluding it was jelly.

"The fire brigade always has to assume a worst-case scenario," a fire brigade spokesman told the news agency.

"We conducted a variety of tests and figured out it was jelly."

The spillage was traced to a wedding party. The newly-wed groom, who was woken up and informed of the alert, promised to clean up the mess.

Tony Blair Quiz

Tony Blair said today,

"I condemn this completely irresponsible act by the government..."

To what was he reffering?

A. The decision to send forces into Afghanistan and Iraq on the basis of lies.
B. The failure of the Government to admit to those lies.
C. The failure to supply the troops with adequate equipment because of budgets and cutbacks.
D. The needless deaths and suffering going on in Darfur.
E. The decision to "early release" some prisoners as "we have run out of space"
F. The Governments continuing policy on outsourcing key jobs to inept companies.
G. The failure to keep track of all illeagal imigrants in the country.
Or,
H. Some bomb that may or may not have gone off underground in some country no one gives a flying f*ck about.

All of us are smarter than one of us. - Japanese proverb

Survey

A recent survey was conducted regarding the male preference for blow jobs.

In response to the question, "Why do men like blow jobs?", over 100,000 Men in America and Europe responded as follows:

10% like the feeling

12% like the dominance

78% like the fucking silence

Ireland before alcohol

Should have posted this a while back but totally forgot.

Ireland before alcohol

Outback driver caught in reverse

A man pulled over for driving slowly in the Australian outback has been charged with reckless driving - because police found him driving in reverse.

The man was stopped for driving at a little over 56km/h (35mph) on a highway near the outback town of Kalgoorlie.

But quick police work soon established that the car was in fact heading backwards - all the way to Perth, some 550km (340 miles) across the desert.

The driver, 22, told police he chose to drive in reverse when his gears failed.

Police were left baffled as to why the unnamed driver chose not to call a mechanic from Kalgoorlie, the Western Australia gold mining town where his gearbox "cooked".

Instead they listened as he explained how he set off in reverse gear along the Great Eastern Highway in his 1988 Ford.

He was forced to slow down from his top speed of 80km/h because he found himself swerving wildly across the road, police said.

He had already travelled 20km before he was stopped.

Police breathalysed the man, who was found not to be under the influence of alcohol.
BBCi

Mate Match

Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this:

Many Sydney folks did hear this on the Fox FM morning show in Sydney.

The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called 'Mate Match'. The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers 'yes', he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions. The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly,they both win the prize.

One particular game however, several months ago made the Harbour City drop to its knees with laughter:

DJ: "Hey! This is Ed on Fox FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?"

Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."

DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you win. What is your name? First name only please."

Contestant: "Brian."

DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"

Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."

DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First name only please."

Brian: "Sarah."

DJ: "Is Sarah at work Brian?"

Brian: "She is gonna kill me."

DJ: "Stay with me here. Brian, is she at work?"

Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."

DJ: "Okay, first question - When was the last time you had sex?"

Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well...."

DJ: "Question 2 - How long did it last?"

Brian: "About 10 minutes."

DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake."

Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."

DJ: "Okay, final question - Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?"

Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well...."

DJ: "This sounds good Brian. Where was it at?"

Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us for a couple of weeks...."

DJ: "Uh huh...."

Brian: "....and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: "On the kitchen table."

DJ: "Not that great? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this."

[ 3 minutes of commercials follow ]

DJ: "Okay audience, let's call Sarah shall we?" (Touch tones....ringing....)

Clerk: "Kinkos."

DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"

Clerk: "This is she."

DJ: "Sarah, this is Ed on Fox FM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now."

Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"

DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo.... do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?"

Sarah: "No."

DJ: "Good!"

Brian: (laughing)

Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"

Brian: (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest."

DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure, now I will ask you 3 questions Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us."

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex Sarah?"

Sarah: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work."

DJ: "What time?"

Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."

DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"

Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."

DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?"

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Where did you have it?"

Sarah: "OH MY GOD BRIAN! You didn't tell them that did you?"

Brian: "Just tell him honey."

DJ: "What is bothering you so much Sarah?"

Sarah: "Well...."

DJ: "Come on Sarah....where did you have it?"

Sarah: "Up the arse...."

After a long pause the DJ said, "Folks, we need to take a station break."

BBC Children in Need - Friday 17 November

The Woganator

Its that time again...

"ARSEnal"

Courtroom Jokes

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

===

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?

WITNESS: July 18th.

ATTORNEY: What year?

WITNESS: Every year.

===

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

===

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

===

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?

WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?

WITNESS: Forty-five years.

===

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan.

===

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

===

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty year old, how old is he?

WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty .

===

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?

===

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: You really need to ask?????

===

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

===

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

===

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

===

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

===

 ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

===

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What School did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral.

===

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

===

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Huh?

===

And this is the best of the bunch....

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere!

cheers George

Inadvertant Good Advice

cheers George

Advice!

A Jewish lawyer was troubled by the way his son had turned out and visited his Rabbi for guidance.

"I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive barmitzvah and spent a fortune on his education. Then he tells me last week he is becoming a Christian. Rabbi, where did I go wrong?"

"Funny you should come to me," said the Rabbi. "Obviously I brought up my boy in the faith, and like you gave him a very expensive barmitzvah and spent a fortune on his education. Then one day he too comes and tells me he has decided to become a Christian."

"What did you do?" asked the lawyer.

"I turned to God for the answer," replied the rabbi.

"And what did he say?"

He said, "Funny you should come to me..."

cheers George

This Is A Left Brain, Right Brain Test Called "Find The Crayfish"

Somewhere hidden within this picture are two crayfish.

Don't look at the picture until you are able to give a few minutes to trying to find them.

If you find one crayfish within 5 minutes and it is the crayfish furthest to the right of the screen, you have excellent perception and are left brain dominant.

The reverse applies as in : left side crayfish/ right brain dominant.

If you are colour blind, you will not find the crayfish but otherwise you should be able to find them both within 30 minutes.

I personally could not find them... Image Link

thanks Greg

New Books For Autumn

New Books For Autumn

New Books For Autumn

New Books For Autumn

New Books For Autumn