PhoneTrace
Locate a mobile cellular cell phone anywhere in the world!
GoogleMap based search results - Try it here
thanks Larry
THE PANTS
Mike was going to be married to Karen, so his father sat him down for a little chat. He said, "Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite I took off my pants, handed them to your mother and said, 'Here try these on..' She did and said, 'These are too big! I can't wear them.' I replied, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will!' Ever since that night we have never had any problems."
"Hmmm," said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try.
On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen," Here try these on." She tried them on and said, "These are too large. They don't fit me. Mike said, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that."
Then Karen took off her pants and handed them to Mike. She said, "Here you try on mine." He did and said, "I can't get into your pants."
Karen said, "Exactly. And if you don't change your smart-ass attitude, you never will."
A Big Goosey Welcome
Please be kind and welcome Michelle, who will be doing some posting here. In no way is the below joke aimed at her (bad timing). Enjoy what she posts, it is different and cool and its always nice to hear if you enjoy it.
Female Bloggers
A group of female bloggers walk into a bar.
One of the female bloggers tells the bartender to line up a row of drinks for all of them.
The gals lift their glasses and toast, "Here's to 51 days!" and they proceed to down their drinks.
Once again, they tell the bartender to "line 'em up", and once again they toast 51 days and down their drinks.
The bartender says, "I don't get it. Why in the world are you toasting 51 days?"
One of the female bloggers explains, "We just finished a jigsaw puzzle. It had written on the box '2-4 years,' but we finished it in 51 days!"
Paris Has Eyes On The Prize
Quotes of the week - BBCi
One used to like football, you know
"Football's a difficult business and aren't they prima donnas?"
The Queen gives her verdict on the beautiful game to Premier League chairman Sir David Richards.
"We'll see you in the second half for the next part of the Uriah Rennie show."
Stadium announcer at Deepdale has a swipe at the referee during the Preston-Palace game.
"I recorded a little bit of the gaffer on my mobile phone buying 23 train tickets to get to QPR. I am thinking about what to do with the clip!"
Coventry striker Leon McKenzie pokes fun at Micky Adams after he ordered the whole squad on to the tube when they got stuck in London traffic.
"I think my wife was having serious doubts about whether I was a footballer or not. At least I can show her a bit of proof. She can watch it on TV and see her husband actually does have a job!"
Forgotten man Malcolm Christie scores on his comeback for Middlesbrough after a lengthy injury lay-off.
"The wife told me it looked as if I knew what I was doing a bit more!"
Boro boss Gareth Southgate explains why he switched from tracksuits to suits on the touchline.
"If we can bat like that for the next 20 days and if our bowlers get it right we'll be OK."
Kevin Pietersen gives his expert tips on how to retain the Ashes.
"Ferenc Puskas might have been the original Andy Reid."
New Charlton manager Les Reed gets slightly carried away with the performance of his namesake against Everton.
"I don't believe it. There must be a rule that says we don't go through. I will wake up tomorrow and find someone has scored an extra goal against us somewhere. I better check teletext tomorrow to make sure."
Celtic manager Gordon Strachan, after a 1-0 win over Manchester United carried the Scottish club into the Champions League knockout stages.
"I had to laugh at one stage how well I was playing."
A modest Roger Federer finds it hilarious that he gave James Blake a pasting in the season-ending Masters Cup final.
"There is no substitute for playing in front of 80,000 people. Going to Tesco isn't quite the same."
Wales rugby union star Ryan Jones, who is nine games into a comeback after shoulder reconstruction surgery.
"I love big managers moaning. I hope Jose Mourinho is moaning as much as Arsene after we play Chelsea on Wednesday."
Bolton manager Sam Allardyce enjoys beating Arsenal.
"They weren't happy about the penalty but they calmed down a bit when I pointed out theirs was 15 yards offside."
Aston Villa boss Martin O'Neill after the 1-1 draw with Middlesbrough.
"There was one point when Puskas cut back inside Billy Wright and took him so far out of the game he had to pay three and six to get back into the ground!"
Sir Alex Ferguson pays tribute to the late Ferenc Puskas.
"Six years ago Iceland didn't have any indoor football halls - now we've got up to six. They are used all the time - as well as in the evening."
Icelandic agent Olafur Gardarsson on some of the successes of new West Ham supremo Eggert Magnusson.
"That first ball gave everyone on our team a lift. Harmison got better through the game, but he had to get better I guess!"
Ricky Ponting can't resist putting the boot in after Steve Harmison's woeful performance for England in the disastrous first Ashes Test.
50 Years of Playboy Toons
Q: Why does Prince Charles have a brightly coloured donger?
A: He used to put it in dye.
The Sader Side Of Life
A girl with a deformaty tells her story.
cheers Larry
The Bitch Slap Method
Marriage Guidance, The Bitch Slap Way
cheers Larry
How The Whole "Blonde" Thing Got Started
An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese fellow
An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site.
The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping."
To the Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shoveling."
And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."
He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile."
So the foreman goes away for a couple hours and when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched.
He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"
The Italian replies, "I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinese a fella that he a wasa in a charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere."
Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile."
The Scotsman replies, "Aye, ye did lad, boot ah could nay get meself a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah could nay fin' him either."
The foreman is really angry now and storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy ...
Just then, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells . . . . . .
"SUPPLIES!"
cheers Ric
A recent study .....
A recent study found that the type of male face that a woman is attracted to can vary considerably depending upon where she is in her menstrual cycle.
It seems that if a woman is ovulating then she is more attracted to a man with rugged and masculine features.
However, if she is menstruating, she is more inclined to be drawn to a man who is doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors embedded deep into his temple and a cricket stump shoved up his ar*e.
Fascinating...............
10 Things....
..From the BBCi
1. Cornish pasties may, it seems, come from Devon.
2. Former US president Gerald Ford was born as Leslie Lynch King. His mother re-married Gerald Ford Senior, after which the future president became known as Gerald Ford Junior.
3. Liverpool footballing legend Bill Shankly officiated at women's football matches.
4. Birdwatchers call themselves "birders", not "twitchers".
5. Fathers tend to determine the height of their child, mother's their weight.
6. Al-Qaeda test chemical weapons on rabbits, according to a former operative.
7. Al-Jazeera International, the English-speaking branch of the Middle East-based news channel, is not available in the US (except over the internet).
8. Panspermia is the idea that life on Earth originated on another planet.
9. Maltese people are the heaviest in Europe, with a body mass index of 26.6, compared to 25.4 in the UK.
10. Those crumbling euro notes… it looks like the drug crystal methamphetamine caused the paper to disintegrate.
More Details
Funny Stuff - Almost Makes Council Tax Worth It
The girl in the first car is rushing to the sales.
The council in Manchester installed some retractable bollards to stop people using bus lanes.
It's causing a bit of uproar with the public.
Click here to find out why.
PS keep an eye on the windscreen of the white van.
cheers Greg
We find comfort among those who agree with us, growth among those who don't.
-Frank A. Clark
Scary News For Frequent Flyers!!!!
Fliers beware of the sub standard maintenance on the airplanes that you fly on. An actual crack in a US Airways DC-9 window frame was spotted recently.
I'll definitely think twice before flying USAir. Check it out here.
cheers Greg
The "You must be joking" section
Katie Holmes has reportedly opted out of a Oscar nomination.
Best Office Products of 2006
Best Office Products of 2006 - check out here.
thanks Michelle
Tesco - Every Little Helps
Remember
Futility
Move him into the sun -
Gently its touch awoke him once,
At home, whispering of fields unsown.
Always it woke him, even in France,
Until this morning and this snow.
If anything might rouse him now
The kind old sun will know.
Think how it wakes the seeds, -
Woke, once, the clays of a cold star.
Are limbs, so dear-achieved, are sides,
Full-nerved, - still warm, - too hard to stir?
Was it for this the clay grew tall?
- O what made fatuous sunbeams toil
To break earth's sleep at all?
Wilfred Owen (1893 - 1918)
Donate Online
Video Games that Help You Lose Weight
At last, video games are no longer just for couch potatoes.
thanks Michelle
The Slipers
Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg. Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?"
"No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sat on their beds.
"Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both."
"Fook off you liar!".
"I'll prove it," Murphy says.
So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Paddy?"
"Of course, what's the use of fookin' one?"
Lean Green Driving Machines
A cool collection of cars going green...like the HUMMER!
thanks Michelle
10 Completely New Ways to Turn On Your Woman
Emily, from American Inventors Spot, try at copying Amused's wacky products humor. 10 New Ways
thanks Michelle
New Labour Logo
thanks to David. C.
Exclusive - Madonnas New Baby Pic
"Whatchoo talkin' 'bout, Madge?"
cheers Greg
