Doctor: It's bad news, you have Cancer and Alzheimer's.

Patient: Oh well, it could be worse - at least I don't have Cancer

What's the fastest thing on land?

Stevie Wonder's speedboat!

I just saw that Harry Potter film.

A bit unrealistic if you ask me.

I mean a ginger kid, with two friends?

What's the difference between Harold Shipman and Tony Blair?

Shipman actually did something about NHS waiting lists.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months

I don't like to interrupt her.

Bigamy is having one wife too many.

Some say monogamy is the same.

Contrast the way terrorist attacks are handled by eye witnesses in Glesga compared with the US.

America:
“Oh my God! there was a man on fire, he was running about, I just ran for my life..I thought I was gonna die, he got so close to me”

Glasgow:
“C*nt wis running aboot on fire, so a ran up n gave him a good boot, then decked him”

America:
“I just wanna get home, away from here.. I just wanna get home, I thought I was gonna die”

Glasgow:
“here shug, am no leaving here till am oan a f*ckin? plane!”

America:
“there was pandemonium, people were running in all directions, we didnt? know what was happening, I thought I was gonna die”

Glasgow:
“F*ck this fir a kerry oan, moan we?ll get a pint in”

America:
“We thought he was gonna blow us all up he had a gas canister, and was trying to get into his trunk, I thought we were gonna die, I just ran for my life”

Glasgow:
“a swaggered by the motor that wis on fire, and the dafty couldnae even open his boot, he wis in fire annaw so a ran up n gave him a good boot to the baws”

America:
“there was this huge explosion, it sounded like war, I thought I was gonna die”

Glasgow:
“There wis a bang, yi know when yi throw BO basher intae a fire it wis like that”

America:
“I’m too traumatized even to speak, I thought I was going to die”

Glasgow:
“here mate, gies 2 minutes till a phone ma auld dear, if am gonna be oan the telly a want her tae tape it”

Joke

A blonde out of money and down on her luck after buying air at a real bargain, needed money desperately.

To raise cash, she decided to kidnap a child and hold him for ransom.

She went to the local playground, grabbed a kid randomly, took her behind a building and told her, "I've kidnapped you."

She then wrote a big note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and leave it under the apple tree next to the slides on the south side of the playground. Signed, A blonde."

The blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent her home to show her parents.

The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the apple tree.

The blonde looked in the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde ?"

cheers Shumpy

Words

ataraxia (at-uh-RAK-see-uh) also ataraxy, noun

A state of freedom from disturbance of mind

Bubba

One day, Jimmy Joe was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup.

Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin.

"Bubba, where'd you get that truck?

"Bobby Sue gave it to me" Bubba replied.

"She gave it to you? I knew she was kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?"

"Well, Jimmy Joe, let me tell you what happened. We were driving out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowhere. Bobby Sue pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said "Bubba, take whatever you want."

"So, I took the truck!"

"Bubba, you're a smart man!" "Them clothes woulda never fit you."

cheers Larry

Why?

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

Cheers to Shumpy

Inspiration

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.
- Alexander Graham Bell

"Unchained Melody" Writer Hy Zaret Dies

WESTPORT, Conn. (AP) - Lyricist Hy Zaret, who wrote the haunting words to "Unchained Melody," one of the most frequently recorded songs of the 20th century, has died at age 99.

Zaret died at his home Monday, about a month shy of his 100th birthday, his son, Robert Zaret, said Tuesday.

He penned words to many songs and advertising jingles but his biggest hit was "Unchained Melody," written in 1955 for a film called "Unchained." It brought Zaret and Alex North, the composer, an Academy Award nomination for best song.

His last words were, "Ohh my love, my darling, call 911 for me."

Faction

There are an estimated 800 million bicycles in use throughout the world.

It's faction as I have no real idea!

More Medical Stuff

I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up, She said I have to stop wanking.

I said 'Why?'

She said, 'Because I'm trying to examine you'

nabbed from b3ta

Terror suspects all linked to NHS

Eight people arrested in connection with failed car bombings in Glasgow and London all have links with the National Health Service, the BBC has learned.

Turns out they were all awaiting an apointment for longer than six months!