I feela Jihad coming on!
You Might Be A Part Of The Taliban If...
...You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.
...You own a $300 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can’t afford shoes.
...You have more wives than teeth.
...You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
...You've ever opened a can of falafel with a mortar round.
...You used a Stinger missile given to you by George Bush Sr. to shoot at a helicopter sent by George Bush Jr.
...You’ve ever had your camel repossessed.
...You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.
...You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry ammunition in your robe.
...You’ve ever been asked, "Does this burka make my ass look fat?"
...You think "The Kite Runner" is the funniest book you ever read.
...You’ve felt the urge to rub one out after seeing a woman’s exposed ankle.
...You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
...You’ve ever uttered the phrase, "I love what you’ve done with your cave."
...You wipe your ass with your bare left hand, but consider bacon "unclean."
cheers Larry
Giant Tossed Salad
Spanish town in largest salad bid
A southern Spanish town has tossed what it claims is the world's largest salad, using 6,700kg (14,740lb) of vegetables.
Twenty cooks in the town of Pulpi, in Almeria province, spent more than three hours mixing the ingredients - lettuce, tomatoes, onions, peppers and olives.
The salad was prepared in a container 18m (59ft) long and 4.8m (15.7ft) wide.
A Guinness World Records judge travelled from London to check whether the cooks had set a new record, Spain's EFE news agency reported.
Lorenzo Navarro, the head of the Association of Businessmen and Storekeepers of Pulpi, which organised the record attempt, praised everyone involved.
"Excellent coordination since the beginning made it possible to meet this challenge," he said.
Why does Badger spring to mind?
What's slippery, lives in the sea and loves Dean Martin?
That's a Moray!
"Top British bankers are sickened that their industry should have been tarnished by those pictures of anxious depositors scrambling to withdraw funds " - BBC Business Editor Robert Peston
They prefer it when they queue up and throw people out on the street. That doesn't tarnish the industry!
I is free! Now I can get me a haircut.
Q. Why is American beer like making love in a canoe?
A. Because it's fucking close to water.
sent in by Steve area52@bellsouth.net
What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
If we don't get some support soon, people are going to think we're nuts.
Hedgehog survives 40-degree wash
A hedgehog is recovering after surviving a spin in a 40-degree washing machine cycle.
The female creature was nicknamed Lucky by staff who have been caring for her at the Brent Lodge wildlife hospital, near Chichester, in West Sussex.
Hospital manager Penny Cooper said the hedgehog wandered into a private home and burrowed into a pile of washing that was then put into the machine.
Lucky is now being cared for by a hospital volunteer in Hampshire.
Ms Cooper said she was undergoing rehabilitation care before being given a "soft release" back into the wild. Hog On
George's Jokes
BACK BY POPULAR DEMAND (Well, one request really but hey.)
Q: What's the biggest moth in the world?
A: A mammoth!
joke supplied by Badger
To regret deeply is to live afresh. - Henry David Thoreau
The only real surfer in the Beach Boys was Dennis Wilson.
Words
malacia (mu-LA-shuh, -shee-uh) noun
An abnormal craving for spiced food.
Women are like parking spaces, normally all the good ones are gone.
So, occasionally, when no one's looking, you stick it in a disabled one.
Mr Italia '90
Luciano Pavarotti
A legend for his great voice for many generations, but to me and my generation he will always be Mr Italia '90. The man who brought opera to the terrace.
No more "nessun dorma" for you, sleep well big man.
I have hidden it away for too long. Now it is time to confess and come out of the closet as a ...
He was only trying to help the cause :)
NSFW link
If you have time, check out Gotinha's collection of bottoms at CU CU
Britain at it's best
Today was the first run of the new high speed rail link from Paris to London. It is so superb that it will cut 20mins of the 2hrs 30min journey and only cost the tax payer 5.8billion GBP.
"The high cost of the project is partly due to some major engineering challenges, including laying track." said someone who new.
Eurostar sets Paris-London record
Eurostar has set a speed record on its inaugural journey from Paris to London via Britain's new high-speed line.
The train, carrying journalists and VIPs, arrived at St Pancras, instead of Waterloo, for the first time. It took two hours, three minutes, 39 seconds. more here
Here are two exclusive shots taken on this monumental occasion.
The first (above) shows the Train approaching the Tunnel on the French side,
and the second (below) shows it shortly after reaching England.
Quick Multiple Choice Quiz
If a woman is uncomfortable watching you masturbate ...Do you think:
(a) You need more time together,
(b) She's a prude, or
(c) She should sit somewhere else on the bus?
What's pink inside, has two lips and smells like fish?
A salmon!
On this day in history
1939: Britain and France declare war on Germany
Britain and France are at war with Germany following the invasion of Poland two days ago.
At 1115 BST the Prime Minister, Neville Chamberlain, announced the British deadline for the withdrawal of German troops from Poland had expired.
He said the British ambassador to Berlin had handed a final note to the German government this morning saying unless it announced plans to withdraw from Poland by 1100, a state of war would exist between the two countries. more here
"I have to tell you now that no such undertaking has been received and consequently this country is at war with Germany."
In "On this day in history" tomorrow it will be 1939: France surrenders to Germany.
And wednesday's "On this day in history" will be 1939: Hitler's ball found in Albert Hall.
Here is a list of the 20 Ugliest celebs as chosen by damnfunny. Can you think of anyone who should be on the list or who shouldn't be on it even?
"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash."
Jerry Seinfeld
Separated at birth?
Disco Stu and Harry Redknapp?
What's 2.5 inches long and can satisfy any woman everytime ?
A credit card.
We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons," where:
:) means a smile and
:( is a frown.
Sometimes these are represented by
:-)
:-(
Well, how about some "ASSICONS?"
Here goes:
(_!_) a regular ass
(__!__) a fat ass
(!) a tight ass
(_*_) a sore ass
{_!_} a swishy ass
(_o_) an ass that's been around
(_x_) kiss my ass
(_X_) leave my ass alone
(_zzz_) a tired ass
(_E=mc2_) a smart ass
(_$_) Money coming out of his ass
(_?_) Dumb Ass
Dictionary For Womens Personal Ads
40ish - 49
Adventurous - Slept with all your mates
Athletic - No Tits
Average looking - Has a face like an arse
Beautiful - Pathological liar
Contagious smile - Does a lot of pills
Educated - Fucked to death at college
Emotionally secure - On medication
Feminist - Fat
Friendship first - Former slut/born again virgin
Fun - Annoying
Gentle - Dull
Good listener - Autistic
New Age - Body hair problems
Old fashioned - No blow jobs or anal
Open minded - Desperate
Outgoing - Loud and embarrassing
Passionate - Sloppy drunk
Poet - Depressive
Professional - Bitch
Romantic - Fridgid
Social - Fanny like a clowns pocket
Voluptuous - Very fat
Large lady - Hugely Fat
Wants soulmate - Stalker
Widow - Murderer
10 Years on
Do you know what Diana would be doing if she was alive right now?
Scratching at the top of her coffin trying to get out.
