Welcome To The World

My Niece, Mia Willow Grace



Born 25th May 2008 - Weighing 2lb 6oz

Congratulations James and Catharine.

Breaking News

Wedding Night

A guy, on his wedding night is about to get it on with his newly wed for the first time in their hotel, they start to undress and he says, "God, I never realised that your tits were this small." The wife gets all upset and understandably throws him out.

While he is sitting in the hall another guy comes out down the hall, The first man said , "Hey, What happened?"

"Well I first saw my wife naked for the first time tonight, and all I said was whooo I never new your arse was that big, and she just threw me out just like that.

Just then a third guy also on his wedding night like the first to guys, comes storming out into the hall. "Hey, did you put your foot in it as well?" ask the two men already outside.

"No" says the third guy, "But I bloody well could have."

The Peace of Wild Things


When despair for the world grows in me

and I wake in the night at the least sound

in fear of what my life and my children's lives may be,

I go and lie down where the wood drake

rests in his beauty on the water, and the great heron feeds.

I come into the peace of wild things

who do not tax their lives with forethought

of grief. I come into the presence of still water.

And I feel above me the day-blind stars

waiting with their light. For a time

I rest in the grace of the world, and am free.


—Wendell Berry

A waste

Just been down the new sperm bank in town, they actually pay you for your sperm!

When I think of all the money I've let slip through my fingers over the years...

Snippets from the week's news, sliced, diced and processed for your convenience by BBCi.

1. "Nice" originally meant foolish or silly.
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2. More rural homes have broadband than urban dwellings.
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3. 27% of people have opened a bottle with their teeth.
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4. Britain has the fifth largest Jewish population in the world.
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5. Brain chemical oxytocin makes us trust strangers with money.
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6. Women drivers are three times more likely than men to suffer whiplash injuries if their car is hit from behind.
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7. Archbishop of Canterbury Rowan Williams is deaf in one ear.
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8. Skunks can be de-scented to make better pets.
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9. You can lessen jet lag by not eating.
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10. The "$100 laptop" now costs $75.
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Good News At Last

Things are picking up in Burma.

My mate owns a bar over there. He reakons his customers are starting to drift back in......

Bit late, but hey.

An Israeli doctor said, 'Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.'

A German doctor said, 'That's nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.'

A Russian doctor said, 'In my country medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.'

The English doctor, not to be outdone, said 'Hah!. We can take an arsehole out of Scotland, put him in 10 Downing Street and have half the country looking for work within twenty-four hours

Two women were playing golf.

One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men.

He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologise.

"Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me", she told him.

"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes", the man replied.

He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, "How does that feel"?

He replied: "It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken."

YOUR ASTROLOGICAL WEEK AHEAD

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Maybe you are not an artist, but you can still have fun making doodles. If a cutie asks what you are doing, ask them to sit for you. You might get to see pubes!

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Remember the number of that guy you slept with, which is stuffed into your wallet? Well, dig it out and call. Maybe he will know why it burns when you pee.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Someone you've been secretly admiring has been checking you out right back. That’s them with the binoculars. Next to the policeman.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Pick up the phone and a call a faraway friend. Ask them what they are wearing. Stroke yourself until you go off. That’s better!

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Right now the stars are right for updating your online dating profile. Spend some time crafting clever copy, and add some recent photos of someone else. No point in wasting all that effort on writing.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
You're finding it super easy to talk to people, and keep them hanging on your every word. That’s because they don’t have a gun.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Start the week off right by writing down all your social engagements. Now what?

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
You met someone new who really likes you a lot, but it doesn't quite click for you. No problem. Sleep with them until someone better comes along.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
When you meet someone who sparks your interest, don’t just point at your crotch and make grunting noises. Point at theirs too, silly!

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Are you feeling uncertain about what your future holds? You and me both babe. I’m shitting it.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Don't feel lost. Maybe losing a partner is an improvement. Now you get to masturbate whenever you like, not just when they are pretending to be asleep.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Some little thing sets you off in a big way, at least offer to clean it off her shoes, it’s the least you can do!

The Daily Mash

Snippets from the week's news, sliced, diced and processed for your convenience by BBCi

1. Nice, in the economic terms in which Bank of England governor Mervyn King was speaking, stands for "non-inflationary constant expansion".

More details (This is Money)

2. The rubble from the old Wembley Stadium was turned into man-made hills.

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3. Gordon Brown is a Bee Gees fan.

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4. Neil Diamond has never had a number one album in the United States... until now.

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5. Locusts combine into swarms because they are frightened of being eaten by each other.

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6. Knitting patterns of trademarked characters can breach copyright.

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7. The search for extraterrestrial life does not contradict a belief in God.

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8. The Ministry of Defence has amassed 160 files on UFOs, containing details of 8,000 sightings.

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9. A child of three is expected to know about 300 words.

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10. Sloths aren't lazy.

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A Little Poem Regarding Computer Spell Checkers...

Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.

thanks to fudgie

For Hanffy

He Wishes for the Cloths of Heaven

Had I the heavens' embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with the golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and half-light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams beneath your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams...

William Butler Yeats

The Lie Detector

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick.

His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.

One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases.

It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy,

Their 11 year old son, returned home from school.

Tommy was over 2 hours late.

"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John.

"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.

The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."

"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.

"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.

"The Ten Commandments." a nswered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair once more.

With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."

"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."

The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one!

You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"

With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

thanks Shumpy