Words

It is far easier to make war than peace.
-Georges Clemenceau

Joke

Q: Why did the golfer wear an extra pair of trousers?

A: In case he got a hole in one.

Funny

The Hot Date, behind closed doors.

Joke

Three old Ladies named Gertrude, Maude, and Tilly were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approachedfrom across the park.

The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.

Gertrude immediately had a stroke.

Then Maude, also, had a stroke.

Tilly, being the oldest, and more feeble, couldn't reach that far.

Joke

Three girls, a blonde, redhead and brunette, died and were brought to the gates of heaven. Upon entering the gate, they were halted by St. Peter and his obedient angel. St. Peter asked the girls, "Before entering you must answer this simple question."

"Which is ...?" they replied in unison.

"Have you been a good girl?" he asked the first girl, a brunette.

"Oh yes," she said. "I was a virgin before I got married and was still virgin even after I got married."

"Very good," said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl... the golden key."

"Have you been a good girl?" he asked the second girl, a redhead.

"Oh, quite good," she said. "I was a virgin before I got married but was not after I got married."

"Very good," said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl... the silver key."

"Have you been a good girl?" he asked the third girl, a blonde.

"Oh no, not at all," she said. "I practically have sex with every guy I met before and after I got married. Anywhere, anytime."

"Very good," said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl... my room key."

Sad News..

.. in Korea as their version of the Spice Girls take to the stage.

Proof

We all new it, we just didn't have any photographic proof.

Until now :)

Thanks to Gordon B. for sending this in.

When you go to the beach,

you should always follow an important rule:

NEVER EVER, EVER, rub suntan lotion on someone whom you do not know.

KILDARE, IRELAND - Darren Clarke of Europe salutes the crowd on the 16th green after winning his singles match against Zach Johnson of USA on the final day of the 2006 Ryder Cup at The K Club on September 24, 2006 in Straffan, Co. Kildare, Ireland.

Europe won the Ryder Cup in a record-equalling 18.5-9.5 victory, caping a third win in three for Clarke, playing in only his second tournament since the death of his wife Heather from cancer last month.

"And I thought Tony was the biggest tosser at No.10."

Joke

Q: What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?

A: A pool table.

Airlines Bankruptcy Recovery Plan

Replace all female flight attendants with some good-looking strippers! Why not? The attendants have gotten old and haggard-looking. They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?

The strippers would double, triple, perhaps quadruple the alcohol consumption and get a "party atmosphere" going in the cabin. And, of course, every heterosexual businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt and the airline industry would see record revenues.

Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do every thing myself?

Sincerely,
Bill Clinton

cheers Larry

'Post-it' - For those little things you might forget

Trouble Down Under

The army's newest frontline weapon, the Abrams battle tank, arrived in Australia yesterday and immediately encountered problems, with no rail transport available to carry the tank to the Northern Territory.

Its deployment will be further hampered because, at 68 tonnes, the Abrams is too heavy to travel across road bridges in the Northern Territory.

As the first 18 of the tanks were delivered to Port Melbourne, the operators of the Adelaide-to-Darwin railway said they lacked the equipment to carry them. Adelaide-based Freightlink said the tanks were too big.

"Freightlink has participated in a rail study with the implication for new rolling stock to be acquired," the company said.

It did not say when or if it intended to acquire the required rolling stock and suggested it was waiting for contracts to be signed with the Defence Department before going ahead with the purchase. A total of 59 refurbished tanks were bought from the US for $500 million.

"Whats that Skippy, The Oz Army have f*cked up?"

Golde Not Old

Three Texas plastic surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.

One of them said, "I'm the best plastic surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England."

One of the others said. "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in 5 field events in the Olympics."

The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train travelling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's ass and a cowboy hat.

Now he's President of the United States."

Golde Not Old

Three Texas plastic surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.

One of them said, "I'm the best plastic surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England."

One of the others said. "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in 5 field events in the Olympics."

The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train travelling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's ass and a cowboy hat.

Now he's President of the United States."

Goals

Achieving your goals in life can be easier if you break them down into three simple stages.
1. Ambition
2. Opportunity
2. Success

Johnny Buys A Parrot

Johnny is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. Johnny says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy crap," Johnny replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"

"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent thoroughly educated bird."

"Oh yeah?" Johnny asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."

"Wow," says Johnny. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?"

"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."

Johnny looks at the $20,000 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."

"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $200; just make the guy an offer!"

Johnny offers $200 and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humour, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. Johnny is delighted.

One day Johnny comes home from work and the parrot goes, "Psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."

"What are you talking about?" asks Johnny.

"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie."

"WHAT???" Johnny asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"

"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.

"NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?"

"Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie! , got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over...."

Then the frantic Johnny demands, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"

"Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"
cheers George

Why the Ice Cream man got sacked.

Its a funny old game...

So, no sooner had the new Premier League season started [hooray] than it stops [booo] for some tinpot qualifier for Euro 2008.

This was against some team of goat herders from a place I've never heard of. We won of course, and after Googling 'Andorra', the name of the place, I know why. Turns out she was a witch in some American TV show.

Well, after the win the usual bullshit started about how our name is on the cup, its our year etc. etc.

Odds of winning Cup before game - "Not on your Nelly"
Odds of winning Cup after game - "Its in the bag"

Roll on saturday when we get back to the real football and Arsenal welcome Middlesbrough and the 3 points they are bringing down south.

cheers Greg [your a sick man]

cheers Greg