Words
rasorial (ruh-SOR-ee-uhl) adjective
Given to scratching the ground to look for food.
Not to be confused with "Arsorial" which is a different type of scratching.
Barclays needs central bank loan
Barclays says that a "technical breakdown" in the UK's clearing system forced it to borrow £1.6bn from the Bank of England.
It is the second time this month that the bank has tapped into the central bank's emergency credit line, sparking fears it is facing a cash crisis. more
What's ...
What's 20 foot long and stinks of piss?
The post office queue on pension day
Girl takes a dress into Dry Cleaners and asks for it to be cleaned.
The man is deaf and says "Come again?"
Girl blushes and says "No, it's yogurt this time!"
A Major Blow (Cut Out The Edwina jokes!)
Not since the resignation of another MP has British Politics been dealt such a blow (Oi! No Edwina Jokes!)
Today former Deputy PM and current Hull MP John 'Two Jags' Prescott has announced he is not to stand at the next erection (?).
"It has been a huge privilege to represent the people of Hull East over the last 37 years.
"I will continue to do that until the next General Election, whenever that might be." He said.
When asked about his thoughts on Global warming he said, "I am not here to discuss any extra curricular activities, and she was lying anyway, no not lying down, just lies, hey up, d'you want to step outside sunshine?"
When asked about his need for "Two Jags in the Mornin."
"Everyone does it, the wife doesn't want to arrive at T'Conference Centre all ruffled, followed by some sweaty fat bloke, so the least I can do, as a gentleman is to have two Jags, for her."
"John Prescott is a Tosser"
John Prescott is now available for Prize Fights or Overseas Diplomacy. You can contact John via www.fatc*ntwithamllett.com
theGoose had no part in this, it was some religious website hack!!
What's the difference between PMT and BSE?
One attacks the cow's brain and sends it mental, and the other is some kind of agricultural problem.
I walked into Travis Perkins at lunchtime yesterday and some old guy dressed in a red shirt with a green apron on asked me if I wanted decking.
Fortunately, I got the first punch in and sorted the fucker out.
eeeewww!
Why did Michael Jackson check into the rehab clinic?
To cure his 10 year old crack habit.
PRIEST (to condemned man in electric chair); "Can I do anything for you my son?"
PRISONER; "Yeah hold my hand."
A time to pray
I found it a bit rich that Gerry Mcann thought the press should act with more responsibility.
They have used the press at every possible chance, as would any parent, to help find thier daughter.
But surely the lack of appropriate responsibility at the time is the why they are where they are?.
http://www.findmadeleine.com/ It is all about Madeleine, no one else, no papers, no police and no journalists, just Madeleine.
Daily Mail
Captions added to images sent by Shumpy
Inspiration
If at first you don't succeed, remove all evidence you ever tried.
Olden and Golden
Little Johnny goes over to little Billy's house and rings the bell.
His mother answers and Johnny asks if Billy can come and play war in the street with his friends.
Billy's mother says to Johny "you know Billy doesn't have any arms or legs".
Johnny replies "I know, but we want to use him as a sandbag".
Joke
A guy goes to an Indian restaurant and asks the waiter for a copy of the menu. The waiter replies, "Curly perm".
The guy says, "What?"
The waiter replies, "Curly perm. Flick."
Confused, the guy says, "Look, I just want a copy of the menu."
The waiter replies, "Short back and sides. Afro. Curly perm."
Having had enough, the guy calls the manager over to complain.
The manager says, "I'm terribly sorry sir, Ashraf is new.
"He only speaks Urdu."
think about it :)
In The News
Two female sunbathers prosecuted for flashing their breasts at CCTV camera
When Abbi-Louise Maple and Rachel Marchant saw a CCTV camera trained on them as they sat on a beach, they had a mischievous idea.
The 21-year-olds lifted their tops and flashed their bare chests at the camera before collapsing in a fit of giggles.
The young women's friends thought their prank was hilarious.
The CCTV operator, however, didn't see the funny side and called the police.
Minutes later, the two blondes were arrested, questioned and then charged with committing an act outraging public decency - an offence which carries a maximum sentence of six months prison or a £5,000 fine. read on
Hasselhoff awarded libel damages
Actor David Hasselhoff has won undisclosed libel damages from OK! magazine over claims that he was an actor and a singer drunk and abusive at a nightclub.
The publication's UK and US editions have also agreed to print an apology for making the allegations.
The 3 July issue said Mr Hasselhoff was "off his face" at a Los Angeles nightclub after winning a custody battle for his daughters.
The ex-Baywatch star said he was "very pleased" with the outcome of the case.
Phil Spector was unavailable for comment.
You Couldn't Make It Up
The UK Govt. have decided they need to increase security at Gatwick Airport, and they have come up with a right "cunning plan," no doubt taken after much outsourced consultation.
"What is the plan to increase security?" I hear you ask.
Uniforms strengthen UK security
Immigration officers at Gatwick Airport have started wearing uniforms in a bid to strengthen security. read on
pure genius
Words
"I used to be With IT. But then they changed what IT was. Now what I'm with isn't IT, and what's IT seems scary and wierd. It'll happen to YOU."
-Abe Simpson, The Simpsons
You Couldn't Make It Up
Heard a great but true story at the weekend from my sister-in-law (Boss of George).
Her friend lives in Inner London and her father has early dementia (can't spell altz .. alka ..altse..) and he got up one morning and took the family car out.
He arrived home at 11pm and was received well as all were worried, ...until the next day when they went to use the car (you can see where this is going). "Dad, where is the car?" - "What car?" came the reply.
Turns out he took it and drove it. Parked it somewhere and caught the bus home LOL
The insurance company just laughed (behind their backs no doubt) and said it isn't covered as it wasn't stolen.
They have another, slightly bigger worry. He used to work at Heathrow and often pops up there. If he parked in one of the multi-story car parks two things are possible. One massive parking ticket or, just possibly, a controlled explosion, courtesy of the Metropolitan Police's "anti ruck sack" division.
"names witheld as I don't know them"
"Incoming"
Women are just like cartons of orange juice,
Its not the shape or size that matters,
Or even how sweet the juice is,
Its getting those f*cking flaps open.
As Told By George
I went for a job interview as a Blacksmith yesterday, he said "Have you ever shoed a horse?"
I said "No, but i've told a donkey to f*ck off."
Nazi board games under the hammer
A collection of Nazi era board games - including one where players are given points for bombing British cities - are going on auction in the UK this week.
The rare trove of wartime board games also includes a version of Snakes and Ladders based on the exploits of U-boat captain Gunther Prien - more at the BBCi
A Nazi version of Cluedo I wonder?
"It was Lieutenant Colonel Eichmann, in the shower block with the ........"
George and Tref at the Sussex Oak 29 June 2007
Tough at the top?
"How about a flat one of Iraq?"
A bloke goes into the doctors and says, "I've got a mole on my dick, can you remove it please?"
So the chap pulls his trousers and pants down, and the doc says, "Yes sir, I can remove that mole... but I'm afraid I'm going to have to report you to the RSPCA."
