A Young man called Ron wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend. They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived a considerable distance away.
He consulted with his sister and decided after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note, not too romantic and not too personal.
Off he went with his sister to Harrods ladies dept and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of knickers for herself at the same time.
Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Ron got the knickers.
Good old Ron sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter:
Dear Kate,
I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove).
These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled at all.
I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them.
I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.
When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.
Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.
I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.
All my love
Ron.
P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing.
Two flies on a toilet seat,
..one got pissed off.
Gillian Gibbons
A British teacher has been found guilty in Sudan of insulting religion after she allowed her primary school class to name a teddy bear Muhammad.
Gillian Gibbons, 54, from Liverpool, has been sentenced to 15 days in prison and will then be deported.
She was also accused of inciting hatred and showing contempt for religious beliefs. Read On
Here is a Turd I laid earlier. I named it Muhammad
LONDON OLYMPICS - PROGRAMME OF EVENTS
OPENING CEREMONY
The Olympic flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a person of the city (preferably from Tower Hamlets), wearing the traditional hoody. The flame will be contained in a large chip van situated on the roof of the stadium.
THE EVENTS
In previous Olympic games, London's competitors have not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local 'London' athletes.
100 METRE SPRINT
Competitors will have to hold a video recorder and microwave oven (one in each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will be released from a cage 10 metres behind the athletes.
100 METRE HURDLES
As above but with added obstacles (i.e. car bonnets, hedges, gardens, fences walls etc.)
HAMMER
Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use (claw, sledge etc.) the winner will be the one who can cause the most grievous bodily harm to members of the public within the time allowed.
FENCING
Entrants will be asked to dispose of as much stolen silver and jewellery as possible in 5 minutes.
SHOOTING
A strong challenge is expected from the local men in this event. The first target will be a moving police van. In the second round, competitors will aim at a post office clerk , bank teller or Securicor style wages delivery man.
BOXING
Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of lager while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence.
CYCLING TIME TRIALS
Competitors will be asked to break into the University bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy from the country on his first trip away from home. All against the clock.
CYCLING PURSUIT
As above but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the Australian rugby team, who will witness the theft.
MODERN PENTATHLON
Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, snorting a line, joy riding and arson.
THE MARATHON
A safe route has yet to be decided , but the competitors will be issued with sharp sticks and bags with which to pick up litter on their way round the course.
SWIMMING
Competitors will be thrown off the bridge into The Thames. The first three survivors back, will decide the medals
MEN'S 50KM WALK
Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled as the police cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of London.
THE CLOSING CEREMONY
Entertainment will include: -
Formation rave dancing by members of the Peckham Health-in-the-Community anti-drug campaigners.
Synchronized rock throwing and music by the Camden Community Choir.
The Olympic flame will be extinguished by someone dropping an old washing machine onto it from the top floor of the block of flats next to the stadium.
The stadium will be then boarded up before the local athletes break into it and remove all the copper piping and the central heating boiler.
Flood
I watched Flood last night. The tale of London getting flooded, only for some tart to solve it.
I am no meteorologist and may well be wrong but the storm started out hitting the North East Coast of the US and then turned round and sailed above and around the Hebrides before hitting the North East of Scotland. It then boarded the No8 bus from Old Ford to Bishopsgate, crossed the Thames at Vauxhall bridge and took out Chelsea [the mighty Arsenal survived].
At this point the "boffins" worked out they could send the "surge" back out to sea, where I am guessing that it hit the first Oil Rig, did a Del Boy and asked for "Holland", turned right, and totally submerged he flatland.
If you haven't watched it yet, don't bother. All that was missing was Hugh Grant.
Olden and Golden
TOP TIPS
1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto. The blockage will be almost instantly removed.
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting
someone else to hold them while you chop away.
3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by
simply using the sink.
4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed
for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember
to use a timer.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you
from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze
button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you
will be afraid to cough.
7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will
forget about the toothache.
8. Sometimes we just need to remember what the rules of life really are:
You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape.
If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40.
If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
Funny
Here are some maintenance complaints submitted by pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews. They are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight.
(P)=Problem, (S)=Solution
(P) Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement
(S) Almost replaced left inside main tyre
(P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough
(S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft
(P) Something loose in cockpit
(S) Something tightened in cockpit
(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear
(S) Evidence removed
(P) DME volume unbelievably loud
(S) Volume set to more believable level
(P) Dead bugs on windshield
(S) Live bugs on order.
(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent
(S) Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
(P) IFF inoperative
(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
(P) Friction lock cause throttle levers to stick
(S) That's what they're there for.
(P) Number three engine missing
(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search.
(P) Aircraft handles funny
(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
(P) Weather Radar hums
(S) Reprogramed Weather Radar with the lyrics.
Man jailed for tumble drying cat
A man who put his ex-wife's cat in a tumble dryer and switched it on has been jailed for six months.
Philip Gannon, 42, Bulrush Close, Salford, was also banned for keeping animals for life by Bolton magistrates.
The court heard Gannon bought William for Jacqueline Hodson, but threatened to kill the cat when they split up.
The pet's remains were found by Ms Hodson in the machine based in her shed. RSPCA chief inspector Cathy Hyde said the cat had been "cooked alive".
Gannon was found guilty of causing unnecessary suffering to the animal at a hearing last month.
'Complete disregard'
Part of the cat's body had been thrown over a fence at the bottom of the garden.
"We had to take the appliance apart to get William out, there was hardly anything left of him," Ch Insp Hyde said.
"He'd literally been cooked alive, in the tumble-dryer's revolving drum."
A post-mortem showed damage to William's claws where he had tried hang on in the machine.
The court also heard details of a telephone conversation between Gannon and one of Miss Hodson's friends.
Tony Stocks, prosecuting, said: "There was a brief silence, before the defendant simply said the word miaow down the telephone."
Steven Teasdale, defending, said Gannon's home had been attacked after media coverage of the case.
Ch Insp Hyde added: "There's no excusing what this man did. He showed complete disregard for the life he was taking, or the suffering he caused in doing so."
BBCi
Whats the difference between having sex and having a sh1t?
You dont have to cuddle a turd for half an hour afterwards.
A suitcase was dragged out of the Thames today, with a womans body inside..
Who said men can't pack
What's the worst smell in the world?
A kipper's c*nt!
Dictionary For Women
Click Image to Enlarge
Remember
In Flanders Fields
In Flanders fields the poppies blow
Between the crosses, row on row,
That mark our place; and in the sky
The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.
We are the Dead. Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved and were loved, and now we lie
In Flanders fields.
Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep,
though poppies grow
In Flanders fields.
by John McCrae, May 1915
Cold Balls
One Thursday Anne says, 'There's this thing, when I go down on my John, his balls are always cold.'
'Funny you should say that', says Mary. 'my Franks balls are always cold too.
'EEAUUWWWWWWGHHHHHH' says Nancy, 'that's disgusting. How can you both do that?'
So her friends tell Nancy that the blow job is the best wayto keep her man from straying.
The following Thursday, Anne and Mary are in the restaurant waiting for their friend to arrive.
In walks Nancy with a huge black eye.
'What happened to you'? ask her two friends.
'Mike hit me' came the reply.
'Why?' ask the girls.
'I don't know', says Nancy, 'I was giving him the blow job like you told me to, and all I said was, your balls aren't cold like Frank's and John's.'
cheers Shumpy
Police guilty
London's Metropolitan police force has been found guilty of endangering the public over the fatal shooting of a man officers mistook for a suicide bomber.
The force broke health and safety laws [what?!] when officers pursued Brazilian Jean Charles de Menezes to a Tube station and shot him seven times, a jury found.
It was fined £175,000 with £385,000 costs over the 22 July 2005 shooting.
The Old Bailey jury said police chief Cressida Dick, who led the operation, bore "no personal culpability".
Ms Dick, now deputy assistant commissioner of the force, had been accused by prosecutors of failing to keep control of her officers.
Met Police Commissioner Sir Ian Blair said outside court that he was staying in his job - despite calls for his resignation.
Mr de Menezes's relatives said they wanted to see a "full and thorough" inquest into the electrician's death.
Step By Step Images
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