Yahoo!

Strawberries are in season.

To Have & to Have Not

Up in the morning and out to school
Mother says there’ll be no work next year
Qualifications once the golden rule
Are now just pieces of paper

If you look the part you’ll get the job
In last year’s trousers and your old school shoes
The truth is son, it’s a buyer’s market
They can afford to pick and choose

The factories are closing and the army’s full -
I don’t know what I’m going to do
But I’ve come to see in the land of the free
There’s only a future for the chosen few

Just because you’re better than me
Doesn’t mean I’m lazy
Just because you’re going forwards
Doesn’t mean I’m going backwards

At twenty one you’re on to of the scrapheap
At sixteen you were top of the class
All they taught you at school
Was how to be a good worker
The system has failed you, don’t fail yourself
Billy Bragg

Thierry Henry

Thierry Henry has been named Footballer of the Year for a record third time by the Football Writers' Association.

Henry, 28, is the first player in 59 years of the FWA award to receive the accolade three times.

This season Henry has broken the club's all-time goalscoring record and led Arsenal to their first European Cup final against Barcelona in Paris.

The striker won the FWA award in 2003 and 2004, with last year's honour going to Frank Lampard of Chelsea.

The Arsenal captain will receive his latest award at the FWA dinner at the Royal Lancaster Hotel, in London, on Thursday 11 May.
The Full Monty

The New England Manager

In a statement released today by the Football Association of england [The FA], it is now clear that Luiz Felipe Scolari isn't the front runner for the Managers job.

The FA have said that the requirements are not English nationality. They are seeking someone world famous and headstrong, someone with international experience, and above all, someone who is not likely to start shagging the secretary.

The Riddle

George Bush meets with the Queen of England.

He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"

"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Bush frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"

The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle." The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"

Tony Blair walks into the room. "Yes, my Queen?"

The Queen smiles "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answers, "Well, your Majesty, that would be me."

"Yes, Very good," says the Queen.

Bush goes back home to ask Dick Cheney, his Vice President, the same question. "Dick, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," says Cheney, "let me get back to you on that one."

Cheney goes to his Advisors and asks every one, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall. Cheney shouts, "Colin! Can you answer this for me?

Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Colin Powell yells back, "That's easy. It's me!"

Cheney smiles, and says, "Thanks!"

Then, Cheney goes back to speak with Bush. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin Powell."

Bush gets up, stomps over to Cheney and angrily yells into his face, "No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"

cheers Greg

More Scandal

Yet another high ranking government official has been caught with his pants down. This time it's Deputy Dog Prime Minister, John 'Two Shags' Prescott.
thanks Brian

Badger - Humanitarian

We tend to give Badger a lot of stick at times, rub him up the wrong way, pull his plonker [enough inuendo].

What we forget is that Badger is a very caring humanitarian and has been onsight helping the poor people of Chernobyl since the disaster first occured 20 years ago.

All this without a regard for the possible side effects.

I feel it's my civic duty to help support "local" business owners...

I paid $4.65 per gallon for gas today at the corner gas station. They have been feeling the pinch as a lot of patrons aren't driving around as much, so they went to full service to entice customers back.

Somehow the high prices didn't seem to matter as much. To ease the pain, I needed 10 gallons so I went in ten times and bought one gallon each time.

cheers Shumpy

The End Of The World

Have a look and see how the end of the world will happen. Its a long load but worth it for the indepth insight.

cheers Larry

Car Ads

thanks Major

After digging to a depth of 100 metres last year, Russian scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years, and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network one thousand years ago.

So, not to be outdone, in the weeks that followed, American scientists dug 200 meters and headlines in the US papers read: "US scientists have found traces of 2000 year old optical fibre, and have concluded that their ancestors already had advanced high-tech digital telephone 1000 years earlier than the Russians."

One week later, an Irish newspaper reported the following: "After digging as deep as 500 meters, Irish scientists have found absolutely nothing. They have concluded that 5000 years ago, their ancestors were already using wireless technology."

10 Things You'll Never Hear A Woman Say

1. I'll swallow it all...I love the taste.
2. Are you sure you've had enough to drink?
3. I'm bored. Let's shave my pussy!
4. Shouldn't you be down at the pub with your mates?
5. That was a great fart! Do another one!
6. I've decided to stop wearing clothes in the house.
7. You're so sexy with a hangover.
8. I'd rather go and play Virtual Fighter than go shopping.
9. Let's start subscribing to Penthouse.
10. Would you like to see a video of me going down on my girlfriend?

cheers Shumpy

Ladies

The Japaneese think of everythink.

Previously on April 28

1986: Soviets admit nuclear accident
The Soviet Union has acknowledged there has been an accident at the Chernobyl nuclear power plant in Ukraine.

The report, from the official news agency, Tass, said there had been casualties but gave no details of numbers. It said aid was being sent to the injured.

The report said that one of the reactors had been damaged in the accident, but gave no further details beyond saying that measures were being taken to "eliminate the consequences of the accident". It also claimed the accident was the first at a Soviet power station.
more here


1996: Gunman runs amok in Tasmania
Armed police have surrounded a guest house where a gunman is holding three people hostage in the Australian island of Tasmania.

The man took the owners and a guest prisoner after shooting dead at least 32 people in the tourist town of Port Arthur.

The deputy police commissioner, Richard McCreadie, said the gunman has been firing on police from the house with two military-style rifles.

The traumatic scenes in Port Arthur have horrified Australia. It is thought to be the country's worst mass killing of recent times.
more here

Two guys walk into a bar...One of them turns to the other and says....

"You'd think we would have learned to duck by now."

Words

Onychophagia (on-i-ko-FAY-juh, -jee-uh) noun

The practice of biting one's nails. [From Greek onycho-, from onyx (nail) + -phagia (eating).]

Top 10 most complained about UK ads in 2005

1. KFC: 1,671 complaints - not upheld.
In this, the most complained about ad ever, call centre workers were shown singing with their mouths full. Objectors said the TV ad encouraged bad manners among children but the ASA considered that teaching good manners is a continual process that would not be undermined by seeing this ad.

2. Living TV: 650 complaints - not upheld.
A poster campaign for the series The L Word attracted complaints for being degrading to women, offensive and unsuitable for viewing by children. The complaints were rejected.

3. Pot Noodle: 620 complaints - not upheld.
A TV ad showing a man trying to conceal a brass horn in his trousers. Complainants said the ad was tasteless and offensive but we considered it would not offend when shown after 9pm.

4. Mazda: 425 complaints - not upheld.
This TV ad showed a female mannequin getting aroused during a car ride. Complaints that the ad was offensive and portrayed women as sex objects were rejected.

5. Ryanair: 319 complaints - not upheld.
This national press ad appeared eight days after the London tube bombings, headlined "London fights back". Complaints that the ad was disrespectful were rejected in favour of the advertisers' argument that they were encouraging defiance against terrorism.

6. Jamster: 298 complaints - upheld.
The prolific Crazy Frog TV ads attracted complaints that they did not make clear that people responding would be drawn into subscription contracts and that they appealed to children. The complaints were upheld on both points.

7. Barclays Bank: 293 complaints - upheld.
This TV ad showed a man having an adverse reaction to an insect sting. The ASA agreed that the ad could cause serious offence to those with a similar affliction and the ad was taken off air.

8. Damart: 273 complaints - upheld.
This mailing was found to be misleading and distressing because the envelope implied that the recipients were in debt.

9. Fanta Z: 272 complaints - upheld.
Another TV ad that attracted complaints because it encouraged bad manners - in this case because it showed people spitting out the product. The ASA agreed with the complainants' assertion that the ad could encourage emulation and the ad was given a post-9pm restriction.

10. Channel 5: 197 complaints - upheld.
This mailing attracted complaints that it was distressing and misleading as it contained a crime dossier of information that suggested there was a serial killer on the loose whose victims all bore the same name as the mailing's recipient.

The Guardian

SYDNEY, NSW - Veteran Pat Lee smiles as he awaits the start of the Anzac Day parade April 25, 2006 in Sydney, Australia. Australians and New Zealanders today commemorate the 91st anniversary of ANZAC (Australia New Zealand Army Corps) Day, when troops landed at Gallipoli in World War I.(Photo by John Pryke/Getty Images)

Things People Say

"The news and truth are not the same thing."
-Walter Lippmann

Money For Old Dope

She hasn't made a hit record, designed a fashion collection or even slimmed down dramatically after having a baby.

But that hasn't stopped Coleen McLoughlin overtaking Victoria Beckham in the footballers' wives stakes.

As the new £500,000 face of the LG Chocolate mobile phone advertising campaign, her earnings for the past year total nearly £6million. [Ladies, take note. Next time your partner cheats on you with a 'Granny' prostitute, Tarts in bars and who ever else, stand by him and make a mint.]

Thanks to deals with Nike, Asda and publishers HarperCollins, the girl who grew up on a council estate in Croxteth, Liverpool, is no longer a poor man's Posh.
According to the The Mail Online

New hay fever jab to protect against the onslaught of an invisible enemy

A vaccine may bring an end to the misery of millions who suffer from hay fever.

Results announced yesterday suggest that the vaccine, developed by Cytos, the Swiss biotechnology company, has long-lasting effects against sneezing, wheezing and itchy eyes — the symptoms of disabling allergies triggered in a variety of ways.

Eight months after a small group of volunteers was vaccinated [It couldn't be, could it?!- "It was brilliant, took my mind right off it." said the man with incredibly large head.] against the allergen produced by house dust mites, the great majority still showed excellent levels of protection.
Read more in The Times Online

Famous Last Words

"You can be a king or a street sweeper, but everyone dances with the Grim Reaper."
-Robert Alton Harris, d. April 21, 1992, Executed in California's gas chamber.

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant building plot.

One day Willie and a gang of building workers turned up to start building a house on the empty plot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot.

They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. They even gave her, her very own hard hat and gloves.

At the end of the first week they presented her with a pay envelope containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took her pay home to her mother who suggested that they take the money she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When they got to the bank the cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'.

"You must have worked very hard to earn all this" said the bank cashier.

The little girl proudly replied, "I worked all last week with the men building a big house."

"My goodness gracious," said the cashier, "Will you be working on the house again this week, as well?"

The little girl thought for a moment and said,

"I think so. Provided those c*nts at Jewson deliver the f*cking bricks"

Something To Think About

WTF!!!

Blogger Status

Monday, April 24, 2006
All publishing is broken right now. We’re working on fixing it.

Update, 10:15AM: We have Blog*Spot publishing working again. External publishing coming soon.

Update, 10:41AM: External publishing is working again as well. Plus users, we haven't forgotten about you.

Update, 10:50AM: Everything sorted out now and working fine. Expect possible transient slownesses as we shore up some of the quick fixes that we had to make.

No More Excuses

Shumpy

Doctor Darren had slept with one of his patients and had felt guilty all day long.

No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't.

The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.

But every once in a while he'd hear that soothing voice, within himself, trying to reassure him: "Darren, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Let it go...."

But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality: "Darren, you're a vet...."

Outage

Those nice chaps at Blogger have surpased themselves again and gotten the Blogs up and running in just FOUR DAYS, blinding.

Aussie Immigration Controls

cheers Shumpy

10 things...

Snippets harvested from the week's news, chopped, sliced and diced for your weekend convenience by The BBCi.

1. Charles Webb, who wrote The Graduate about himself and his female partner Fred, is still with her. The pair live in Hove, East Sussex, but are flat broke and facing eviction from their flat.

2. A hen can take on the characteristics of a cockerel - comb and wattle, crowing, trying to mate with hens - if the cockerel in their brood is removed. But they do not develop male sex organs.

3. British diplomats have a call-out rate of £84.50 an hour.

4. Paint is classed as a "hazardous article" under new health and safety rules governing public transport, and can only be taken on a bus if "carried in two containers".

5. Vanessa Mae is worth more than Coldplay lead singer Chris Martin, according to the Sunday Times Rich List 2006, which estimates Ms Mae's wealth at £32m compared to Mr Martin's £25m fortune.

6. Yellow, the Coldplay hit that ranked fifth in a recent roundup of Britain's favourite lyric, was inspired, in part by a copy of the Yellow Pages.

7. The Queen has visited every country in the Commonwealth except Cameroon.

8. Homer Simpson's hair is drawn as an "M" and his ear as a "G", representing the initials of Simpson's animator Matt Groening.

9. Suri - the name of Tom Cruise's new daughter - means "pickpocket" in Japanese.

10. Camel's milk, which is widely drunk in Arab countries, has 10 times more iron than cow's milk.

The BBCi

Happy St.George's Day

And did those feet in ancient time
Walk upon England's mountains green?
And was the holy Lamb of God
On England's pleasant pastures seen?
And did the Countenance Divine
Shine forth upon our clouded hills?
And was Jerusalem builded here
Among these dark Satanic Mills?

Bring me my bow of burning gold!
Bring me my arrows of desire!
Bring me my spear! O clouds, unfold!
Bring me my charriot of fire!

I will not cease from mental fight,
Nor shall my sword sleep in my hand
Till we have built Jerusalem
In England's green and pleasant land.
William Blake

Arsenal 1-1 Tottenham

The last North London Derby to be played at Highbury ended in a draw.

The best bit of the day was the sign that read

"Whats the difference between Tottenham and a squirell?

"The squirell has more Champions League experience."


The squirell stops play during Arsenal Champions League game on Wednesday

Top 100 Unsexy Male Celebs

Found this over at that fine comedian Jim Gaffigans cool web site. An entertainment magazine has released its Top 100 ugliest male celebrities.

At Last

After all that nonsense with updating from Panther to Tiger I have finally gotten my computer sorted just how I want it.

Dear Dog...

I am soooo sorry about you being sent to the dog pound for the broken lamp which you did not break; the fish tank you did not spill over; and the carpet that you did not wet; or the wall that you did not dirty with red paint...

But things here at the house really are calmer now, and just to show you that there are no hard feelings between us, I am sending you a picture, so you will always remember me.

Best regards,

The Cat

cheers Larry

Cool Game

Have fun chucking knives while avoiding your assistant, or do as I did and pretend it's the Mother-in-Law.
cheers Larry

Where Man to Man Advice First Started

A virile, young Italian stud was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome, when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde.

Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment, and after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom and made love.

After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, So...you finish?

She paused for a second, frowned and admitted, No...

Surprised, the young man reached for her and the love making resumed.

This time she thrashes about wildly and there are screams of passion. The lovemaking ends, and again, the young man smiles, and again he asks... So, you finish?

And again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him, and softly says, No...

Stunned, but damned if this woman is going to outlast him, the young man reaches for the woman again.

Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they climax simultaneously, screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.

The exhausted man falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly, and asks again... So, you finish?

Barely able to speak, she whispers in his ear, No... I Norwegian!!

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.

Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.

The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

Have you any grounds?

Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?

It made of concrete.

I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?

No, we have carport, and not need one.

I mean. What are your relations like?

All my relations still in Poland.

Is there any infidelity in your marriage?

We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

Does your wife beat you up?

No, I always up before her.

Is your wife a nagger?

No, she white.

Why do you want this divorce?

She going to kill me.

What makes you think that?

I got proof.

What kind of proof?

She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say: "Polish Remover"

The Last Floodlite Game at Highbury

Highbury


The Emirates Stadium, our new home.

Arsenal v Villarreal

Venue: Highbury
Kick off: 1945 BST, Wednesday 19 April
Champions League semi-final, 1st leg
Live on this website & BBC Radio Five Live


Arsenal midfielder Cesc Fabregas has recovered from a bruised foot in time for Wednesday's Champions League semi-final at Highbury.

Jose Antonio Reyes is suspended, while Freddie Ljungberg is expected to return to the squad after missing Saturday's Premiership win over West Brom.

Villarreal's first-choice centre-backs Gonzalo Rodriguez and Juan Manuel Pena are both ruled out.

Mariano Barbosa replaces suspended goalkeeper Sebastian Viera.

Arsenal (from): Lehmann, Djourou, Eboue, Senderos, Toure, Flamini, Ljungberg, Song, Diaby, Gilberto, Hleb, Pires, Henry, van Persie, Bergkamp, Fabregas, Walcott, Almunia.

Todays Goose is brought to you by the words "Scraping and Barrel"

A blond walks into a laundrette, puts a dress on the side, storms out and mumbles "I'll be back on friday to collect it."

"Come again?" replies the cashier.

The blond turns round and with an angry glare yells, "No actually, its mayonaise this time"

In honour of the newly announced gay & lesbian marriages, Ikea are now selling lesbian beds...
There's no screwing involved, just Tongue & Groove

Three strings all buddys deside to go meet at a bar.
1st string: gets to the bar first, goes in and sits at the bar.
Bartender: Hey Buddy we dont serve strings ya got to leave. (1st string gets up and leaves)

2nd string: hey buddy what ya waiting out here for
1st string: they threw me out they say they dont serve strings.
2nd string: they will serve me (goes in to the bar)
2nd string:(sitting at the bar) bartender give me a beer.
Bartender:(pissed) Look Buddy we Dont Serve Strings, Now get the HELL out of my bar. (2nd string gets up and leaves)

1st string & 2nd string Wait for there buddy 3rd string
3rd string: hey guys why ya in the bar.
1st string & 2nd string: bartender said they dont serve stings.
3rd string: they will serve me.
1st string & 2nd string: yea right!
3rd string: you will see (while fraying his hair and then tying himself in a knot).
3rd string:(goes in to the bar and sits at the bar) bartender give me a beer.
Bartender:(real pissed) Look Buddy are you stupid. we Dont Serve Strings, Now get the HELL out of my bar
3rd string:(anwsers) thats good to hear. im a frayed knot.
Bartender: ohhh ok that will be $1.25

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day.

The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold."

The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up."

The daughter did, and her hands warmed up.

The next day the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said,

"My hands are freezing cold."

The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up."

He did, and warmed his hands.

The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter.

He said, "My nose is cold."

The girl replied "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up."

He did, and warmed his nose.

The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he Said, "My penis is frozen solid."

The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?"

Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask?"

The daughter replies, "They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they?"

My neighbor`s young son swallowed a quarter, a dime and a nickle. He was rushed to the hospital.

The next day I asked my neighbor how his son was doing, and he replied,

"No change yet".

Words

sinciput sin si put (noun) : the forehead

As in, "thats one mother of a sinciput you have George."

Things People Say

War, at first, is the hope that one will be better off; next, the expectation that the other fellow will be worse off; then, the satisfaction that he isn't any better off; and, finally, the surprise at everyone's being worse off.
-Karl Kraus, writer (1874-1936)

Famous Last Words

Either that wallpaper goes, or I do.
-Oscar Wilde

Myths

No1. A Womens work is never done.

What total b*ll*cks.

Girls at the Beach

This takes me back to lying on a sun drenched beach in Lesbos, heaven. NSFW (boobies)

For the Major

An Alexir Board meetings gets of to a riotous start.

Amazon puts corn flakes on menu

Online retailer Amazon has begun serving up soup, breakfast cereals and other basic foods on its US menu.

Amazon is now offering 2,000 basic packaged foods as part of its drive to become the number one destination for online consumers.

Shoppers can pick up 70 individual Kellogg's Corn Flakes portions for $28.

If more than $25 is spent, Amazon also pays for delivery - a decision experts say shows its determination to take on other discount and mail order grocers.
The BBCi

Poetic Justice From Poetry In Motion

Dennis Berkamp seals the win for Arsenal against West Brom
on Dennis Bergkamp Day

The Master

Dennis Bergkamp's testimonial match will be the first game played at Arsenal's new Emirates Stadium.

Bergkamp, 36, is looking forward to the star-studded fixture which is provisionally scheduled for 22 July.

The Dutchman has played more than 400 times for the Premiership side since arriving in 1995.

"It will be an emotional day for me as I have spent the last 11 years here, playing some of the best football of my career," he said.

"What will make the occasion extra special is not only will it be the first-ever match at Emirates Stadium, it will be an opportunity to see Arsenal players past and present on the pitch at the same time."

Summer Holidays

Have you thought about where you will go on your Summer Hols? This Ad may help you decide. slightlyNSFW [nudity]

Outsourcing

McDonald's Corp, the world's largest restaurant chain, is testing the use of remote call centers to handle drive-thru orders in an effort to improve service. CBS

I really can't believe it. The same is starting to happen in the UK now, You ring up and get bombarded with, very good but still, hard to understand English.

I had a phone call about a debt recently [possibly, and then again, yada yada yada :)],
"Hello, this is Mohan speaking, I am calling about the outsanding balance on your account, if you do not pay by return using International overseas postage I will instruct our agent to leave Mumbai immediately to make a doorstep visit. He should be there in six to eight weeks, yes please."

"While I am on the phone can I be possibly offering you a service contract on your Home Appliances, yes please?" No, okay sir, are you hungry? Can I be offering you a Big Mac?"

One Day In Faluijiah

A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Faluijiah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious.

On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state.

The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.

The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent.

We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. "I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein is a miserable, lowlife scumbag, and he yelled back that Senator Ted Kennedy is a good-for-nothing, fat, left wing liberal drunk.

So I said that Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a frigid, mean spirited lesbian!"

He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Mrs. Clinton!" "And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us"

cheers to Shumpy

Kayaking, An Extreme Sport??

Things People Say

It isn't a calamity to die with dreams unfulfilled, but it is a calamity not to dream ...It is not a disgrace not to reach the stars, but it is a disgrace to have no stars to reach for. Not failure, but low aim is sin.
-Benjamin Elijah Mays

Words

chatoyant she toyent (adjective) : Having a changeable iridescent luster

Easter Sales

It will be a typical Easter Weekend, getting it in the ear about "this needs doing that needs doing, are you going to watch TV all weekend? why didn't you marry the TV instead [I have asked myself that one] all you do is sit there on your fat arse...."

Where was I? ahh, The Easter Sales, her indoors reckons we need a new sofa, I didn't, until I saw this one that was. NSFW

Easter Is Good For Headline Writers

Check out our Easter hunnies - Egg-cellent! It's a line-up of hot cross stunners

HAVE an egg-cellent Easter - with our line-up of red-hot chicks!

Most fellas would love to be unwrapping these hot cross stunners in the coming days.

Check out the Hot Hunnies in The Sun

Previously on April 13

1964: Poitier breaks new ground with Oscar win
The acting profession's top award has gone to a black actor for the first time.

Sidney Poitier won the best actor Oscar for his role in Lilies of the Field.

In the film, released last year, he played construction worker Homer Smith whom a group of nuns believe was sent to them by God to build their church.

The only other black person to win an Oscar was the best supporting actress award given to Hattie McDaniel in 1939 for her role in Gone with the Wind.
more here


1997: Tiger Woods wins Masters at 21
The 21-year-old golfing sensation Eldrick "Tiger" Woods has become the youngest-ever player to win the US Masters Championships.

He put in a virtuoso performance that left his opponents far behind and smashed almost every record in the book.

His winning margin was 12 strokes - three more than the previous record, held by Jack Nicklaus.

His final four-round score was 270 strokes, 18 under par - the tournament record.

He is also the first black player to win a major golf championship, and has said he intends to use his success to encourage minorities to play golf.
more here

Celebrity Death

Actor Raj Kumar Dies at 77.

And there was me thinking it was just a Curry House in Horsham!

The Things We Do

The things we do when we have too much time on our hands. It's silly but it still cracks me up.

Little Georgie watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods.

Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.

Little Georgie found this so exciting that he could not contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother, "Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.

I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane........"

At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Georgie, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time.

I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Georgie to tell his story.

Georgie started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

The Hit Job

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a chap carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't show up."

"Sure," they said, "You're welcome."

Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a hit man," was the reply.

"You're joking!" was the response.

"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."

"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here."

So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's ! naked! What's that? Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her... he's naked as well! The bitch!"

He turned to the hitman, "How much do you charge for a hit?"

"I do a flat rate - for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."

"Can you do two for me now?"

"Sure, what do you want?"

"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."

The hitman took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes. "Are you going to do it or not?" said the man impatiently.

"Just wait a moment, be patient," said the hitman calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here..

Count The Men

Count the men and then wait while it changes and count again.

Flying Advice

How do you know when you flying over Africa?

To Make Up For Yesterdays Texas Joke, Here's Another

A Texan Is drinking in a New York Bar. He gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Texan baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Texan just shrugs, "That's about average back home, folks. Like I said, my boy's a typical Texan baby boy."

Congratulations showered him from all around and many exclamations of "WOW!" were heard. One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later the Texan returns to the bar. The bartender says "Say, you're the father of that typical Texan baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been makin' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. We were gonna call you ... so how much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."

The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born."

The Texan father takes a slow swig from his Lone Star, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans in to the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised.

A junior school teacher in Liverpool asked her pupils to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.

Mary put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep . It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate, not fascinating".

Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see the Blackpool Tower and I was fascinated."

The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate."

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.

She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him.

Johnny said, "My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight."

The teacher sat down and cried.

For All You Lexophiles

1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.

2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).

3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

4. A backward poet writes inverse.

5. In democracy it's your vote that counts; In feudalism, it's your count that votes.

7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

10. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.

11. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

16. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

17. Every calendar's days are numbered.

18. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.

19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

20. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

22. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

24. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

26. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.

27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

28. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

29. Acupuncture is a jab well done.

30. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat

cheers Shumpy

'Apparently the world is my oyster... who's nicked my pearl then?'

A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds: "Husband Wanted".
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
Father replied, "I don' t know son, I'm still paying."

A young son asked, "Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."

Then there was a woman who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then, it was too late."

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

First guy says, "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy remarks, "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

"A Woman's Prayer: Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, To understand a man , to Love and to forgive him , and for patience, For his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for Strength I'll just beat him to death "

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children.

A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."

The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus . so shut the hell up."

Previously on April 11

1990: Customs seize 'supergun'
Customs officers in Middlesbrough say they have seized what they believe to be the barrel of a massive gun on a ship bound for Iraq.

Exports of parts for a weapon to Iraq would contravene British restrictions on arms sales to President Saddam Hussein's state.

Eight pipes were found in crates during a search of the ship at the Teesport Docks.

The length of the barrel is said to measure 40 metres (130 feet) when assembled.

This would make it by far the largest gun in the world with a range of approximately 600 miles (965 kilometres).
more here


1981: Brixton ablaze after riot
The arrest of a black man has led to hundreds of youths rampaging through the streets of Brixton in south London.

They hurled petrol bombs at police, burnt cars and looted shops in an outbreak of violence which started in the early evening.

A school and two pubs have been set alight and firefighters have been unable to reach some other fires due to the threat of attacks.

More than 50 police officers have been injured and at least 20 people have been arrested.

The rioting broke out in the area of Railton Road and Atlantic Road in central Brixton, where police and black youths had already clashed on Friday night.
more here

You can crush us
You can bruise us
But you'll have to answer to
Oh, the guns of Brixton
Paul Simonon

The Ringbearer Quiz

How much do you know about the Ring Trilogy?

Click here to try 'The-Ringbearer-Quiz'
cheers Larry

Caught On The Job

Another bad day for Badger

Victoria's Secret is finally let loose.

Things People Say

To criticize one's country is to do it a service. Criticism, in short, is more than a right; it is an act of patriotism – a higher form of patriotism, I believe, than the familiar rituals and national adulation.
-J. William Fulbright, US Senator

The wristwatch was invented in 1904 by Louis Cartier.

Q: What do rural Ethiopians have in common with Yoko Ono?
A: Both live off dead beetles.

Q: What has three legs and lives on a farm?
A: Paul McCartney and Heather Mills.

Q: What do you call a cow that doesn't produce milk?
A: An udder failure.

Q: Did you hear the story about the stupid Texan?
A: He thought that Johnny Cash was a pay toilet.

The Wit And Wisdom Of

Ronald Reagan

"Here's my strategy on the Cold War: We win, they lose."

"The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help."

"The trouble with our liberal friends is not that they're ignorant: It's just that they know so much that isn't so."

"Of the four wars in my lifetime none came about because the U.S. was too strong."

"I have wondered at times about what the Ten Commandment's would have looked like if Moses had run them through the U.S. Congress."

"The taxpayer: That's someone who works for the federal government but doesn't have to take the civil service examination."

"Government is like a baby: An alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other."

"If we ever forget that we're one nation under God, then we will be a nation gone under."

"The nearest thing to eternal life we will ever see on this earth is a government program."

"I've laid down the law, though, to everyone from now on about anything that happens: no matter what time it is, wake me, even if it's in the middle of a Cabinet meeting."

"It has been said that politics is the second oldest profession. I have learned that it bears a striking resemblance to the first."

"Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it."

"Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards, if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book."

"No arsenal, or no weapon in the arsenals of the world, is so formidable as the will and moral courage of free men and women.
- Ronald Reagan -
thanks to Shumpy

Things People Say

In a moment of decision the best thing you can do is the right thing. The worst thing you can do is nothing.
- Teddy Roosevelt

£85.00 Sandwich

Hungry shoppers are being offered the chance to eat a gourmet sandwich, but the £85 price tag might be too much for some to swallow.

The McDonald sandwich - named after its creator Scott McDonald, the chef at London department store Selfridges - is said to be the world's most expensive.

Its cost is down to the Wagyu beef that makes up most of the filling, packed in a 24-hour fermented sour dough bread.
The BBC

Previously on April 10

1998: Northern Ireland peace deal reached
The Northern Ireland peace talks have ended with an historic agreement.

The accord - dubbed the Good Friday Agreement - was reached after nearly two years of talks and 30 years of conflict.
more here


1981: Hunger striker elected MP
Imprisoned IRA hunger striker Bobby Sands has been elected to Westminster as the MP for Fermanagh and South Tyrone.

Sands stood as a candidate of the "Anti-H Block" campaign - the section of the Maze prison in Belfast reserved for republicans and loyalists convicted of terrorist offences.

He won just over 52% of the vote in the Northern Ireland by-election compared to 49% for the candidate of the Official Unionist party, Harry West.
more here


1972: Earthquake kills thousands in Iran
Up to 4,000 people are thought to have died in a massive earthquake in southern Iran.

The quake centred on the town of Ghir, where almost 1,000 people were feared dead.
more here


1968: Dozens die in NZ ferry disaster
Fifty-one people have died after a ferry capsized in Wellington Harbour, New Zealand during one of the worst storms ever to hit the country.

The TEV Wahine, carrying 610 passengers and 125 staff, ran aground as it entered the harbour in the early hours of this morning.

Many passengers drowned or were dashed against the rocks as they abandoned ship and several life-rafts capsized in the raging seas.
more here

Ruud van Nistlerooy

Ahead of the big Man utd v Arsenal clash on sunday, a relative has leaked a video of Ruud van Nistlerooy showing he had his talent at an early age.

Man utd v Arsenal

Old Trafford - Sunday, 9 April
Kick-off: 1600 BST - BBC Radio Five Live

Manchester United defender Wes Brown returns after a groin injury, and should make the bench if not the starting line-up.

United boss Sir Alex Ferguson will again have to choose between Louis Saha and Ruud van Nistelrooy.

Arsenal have included defender Sol Campbell in the squad, but the England centre-back may have to settle for a place on the bench.

The Gunners are expected to stick with the side who drew 0-0 with Juventus.

Man Utd (from): Van de Sar, Howard, Neville, Pique, Ferdinand, Vidic, Brown, Silvestre, Evra, Ronaldo, Giggs, O'Shea, Fletcher, Park, Saha, Van Nistelrooy [the horse], Rooney [can't spell horse], Rossi.

Arsenal (from): Lehmann, Almunia, Eboue, Toure, Senderos, Hleb, Flamini, Fabregas, Gilberto, Pires, Henry, Djourou, Song, Van Persie, Reyes, Diaby, Walcott, Ljungberg, Campbell, Bergkamp.

Canadians

I hadn't realised how patriotic the Canadians are. one and two
Possibly NSFW