A Short Story

One day, long, long ago there lived a woman who did not whine, nag or bitch.



But this was a long time ago . . . and it was just that one day.

The End

Remember

TIP OF THE DAY

Save time when crossing a One Way street by only checking traffic in the direction it allowed to come from.

Andy (Leeds)

EDIT

Always check traffic in both directions even on a one way street in case some blonde chav with more tits than brains is driving at 40mph in the wrong direction.

Andy ( Leeds General Hospital)

October

October
And the trees are stripped bare
Of all they wear
What do I care
October
And kingdoms rise
And kingdoms fall
But you go on

ON THIS DAY

1962: World relief as Cuban missile crisis ends

The world has breathed a collective sigh of relief after the superpowers reached an agreement ending the immediate threat of nuclear war.

Russian leader Nikita Khrushchev has agreed to dismantle all Russian missiles based in Cuba and ship them back to the Soviet Union.

The announcement was made in a public message to President John F Kennedy broadcast on Moscow Radio.

In response, President Kennedy said the decision to remove the Cuban missiles was an "important contribution to peace".

He has also promised the US will not invade Cuba and will eventually lift the US naval blockade imposed on the island.

The blockade will continue until effective UN inspection ensures that the missiles in Cuba have been dismantled.

more here

Women!

ON THIS DAY

1986: 'Evil' Bamber jailed for family murders

A 24-year-old man has been jailed for life for killing five members of his family at their farmhouse in Essex.

Jeremy Bamber will now serve a minimum of 25 years for the murders of his step-parents, sister and her two six-year-old sons.

As the guilty verdict was delivered at Chelmsford Crown Court, Bamber slumped slightly but gave no further reaction.

Sentencing Bamber to five life prison terms, the judge Mr Justice Drake said he was "warped and evil beyond belief".

more here

Joke

Barack Obama decided to go for a hot air balloon ride and realizes he is lost. He lowers his altitude and spots John McCain fishing from a boat below.

Obama shouts to McCain, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

McCain consults his portable GPS and replies, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

Obama rolls his eyes and says, "You must be a Conservative!"

"I am," replies the McCain. "How did you know?"

"Well," answers Obama, "everything you tell me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you're not much help to me."

McCain smiles and responds, "You must be a Liberal."

"I am," replies Obama. "How did you know?"

"Well," says McCain, "You don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and now you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault."

thanks Ric

Geography

Whats the capital of india?

Leicester

How Cool Are You?

theGoose only managed 8/10

How about you?

Take The Test

The Comedic Genius of the BBC

""He fucked your granddaughter... I'm sorry I apologise. Andrew, I apologise, I got excited, what can I say - it just came out."

"I said some things I didn't of oughta, like I had sex with your granddaughter..."

answerphone message left for Andrew Sachs

Six stages of married life:

1: Tri-weekly
2: Try weekly
3: Try weakly
4. Try oysters
5: Try anything
6: Try to remember

Tottenham sack Ramos and Comolli

Tottenham Hotspur have sacked coach Jaunde Ramos, along with sporting director Damien Comolli.

Spurs have also parted company with first team coaches Gus Poyet and Marcos Alvarez, following the team's long string of poor results.

The club confirmed the clear-out in a statement on their website

Backroom staff-members Clive Allen and Alex Inglethorpe will step in to take charge of Sunday's Premier League match against Bolton.

Spurs are bottom of the Premier League after taking just two points from their opening eight matches this season.

Neil Young - Only Love Can Break Your Heart

London Underground wish to apologise for the severe points failure in the tottenham area

Due to an irregular betting pattern, William Hill has suspended betting on all this week's football.......it seems someone placed a £10 bet on tottenham to win.

tottenham Hotspur have just been fined £500,000 under the Trades Description's Act for posing as a "football team".

Just went down the newsagent's and bought tottenham Hotspur Magazine. Thank goodness they had porn mags to hide it in!

What is the difference between tottenham and a jar of flowers? You can see a jar of flowers on top of a table.

cheers GMan

Two lawyers are walking down the street, when a beautiful woman walks by.

"Boy I'd love to screw her" says one lawyer.

"yeah, I would too," says the other. "But out of what?"

Keane - Spiralling

I fashioned you
From jewels and stone
I made you
In the image of myself
I gave you
Everything you wanted
So you would never know
Anything else

But everytime
I reach for you
You slip
Through my fingers
Into cold sunlight
Laughing at the things
That I had planned
The map of my world gets
Smaller as I sit here
Pulling at the loose
Threads now

We're tumbling down
We're spiralling
Tied up to the ground
We're spiralling
When we fall in love
We're just falling
In love with ourselves
We're spiralling

KeaneMusic.com

When a groggy Vedran Corluka regained consciousness in the ambulance leaving the Britannia Stadium on Sunday he asked medical staff who he was.

On being told he played football for Tottenham Hotspur he lapsed into a coma.

Someone pulled the plug :)

Power company in administration

An electricity company which supplies 40,000 small businesses has gone into administration, the BBC has learned.

A buyer was unable to be found for Electricity 4 Business (E4B), which is based in Milton Keynes, energy regulator Ofgem confirmed. More here

George Keeps "Active"

George Does Prison

George Does The Beach

Priceless

This isn't funny, Bad George!

Money troubles?

The earliest known photo of Michael Phelps

Seinfeld - The Butter Shave

Jerry walks into his apartment sniffing the air, followed closely by Newman.

Jerry: Someone's cooking.

Newman: Hello, Jerry.

Jerry: Hello, Newman.

Newman: You know, old friend, sometimes I ponder this silly gulf between us and I say, "Why?" Are we really so different. For what is--

Jerry (cutting in): I'm not the one doing the cooking, Newman.

Newman: Damn you Seinfeld. You useless pustule. Um, somebody's got something on the griddle. maybe it's Kramer.

Jerry: No, he's up on the roof getting some sun with the butter - pause - Oh no!

Newman: Butter?

The Full Script

Plastic Surgeon General Warns Of Small Breasts Epidemic

BEVERLY HILLS, CA—According to a report released Monday by U.S. plastic surgeon general Dr. Louis T. Saddler, an alarming number of American women are suffering from dangerously small breasts.

The Office of the Plastic Surgeon General—headed by a presidential appointee tasked with monitoring the national aesthetic, alerting the public to any small flaws, and offering a wide range of affordable, noninvasive laser resurfacing options—first addressed the countrywide plague of undersized breasts in the mid-1980s by demanding that manufacturers of A- through C-cup bras place large warning labels on their products informing female consumers of the potential risk of having deficient bosoms. more here

Smell The Fork

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.

'I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from there.'

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.

'Ah, yes, that's what I'll have -- meatloaf and mashed potatoes.'

Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife. He tells her what had just happened.

The blind man eats his meal and leaves.

Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.

'Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man.'

'I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork.'

The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.

After another deep breath, the blind man says, 'That smells great. I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli.'

Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him.

The blind man eats and leaves.

He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen.

He tells his wife, 'Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man.'

Mary complies and hands her husband the fork. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.

'Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you.'

The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says, 'Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here...'

Kerry Katona"medicated" on This Morning.

Cambridge Cruelty (another reminder)

Now all the fuss has died down I thought it was time to remind you of these nice chaps. They decided to send a live hamster through the post as a joke.


David Jordan of Ely in Cambridge and James Cole of Marchwood, Southampton both 19 and Churchill College students seem to be happy after leaving court..
Luckily the Hamster survived, seemingly outwitting two of 'Englands Finest'. Live long my friend.

Public Sympathy Overflows For Wall Street

Shumpy

Three parrots

Three parrots are for sale.

They cost £100, £200 and £15.

A woman asks "Why is that parrot so cheap?"

The shopkeeper replies, "because it used to live in a brothel."

The woman thinks its funny and buys the parrot.

When she gets home the parrot says, "F**k me a new brothel!" The woman laughs.

Her two daughters come home, the parrot says "F**k me new prossies!" The girls laugh.

The husband come home and the parrot says "F**k me Keith i haven't seen you for weeks".

Words

WORD: paragoge

PRONUNCIATION: (par-uh-GO-jee)

MEANING: noun: The addition of a letter or syllable at the end of a word, either through natural development or to add emphasis. For example, height-th for height.

I went to visit my grandad today, he is getting really old and frail.

He's now senile and incontinent, so i call him "Spurs"....

..as he is incapable of keeping a clean sheet...

News

A man accused of killing his neighbour carried the dead man's head on a bus before dumping it in a canal, the Old Bailey has heard. Read On

Imagine if - "Hello, is that lost and found?"

With last week's booing and public outcry at the MOBO awards when Leona Lewis didn't bother to show up to collect her award, I wonder how Heath Ledger's antiticipated no-show at the Oscars will go down...

How CEOs Make Decisions

thanks Ric

The Book of Abby

Watching the latest episode of ER I was captivated by the narrative poem (I thought) which turned out to be passages from the New International Bible. Having done some searching I found the related parts.

The Book of Job

The Book of Job 3.20-26
20 "Why is light given to those in misery, and life to the bitter of soul,

21 to those who long for death that does not come, who search for it more than for hidden treasure,

22 who are filled with gladness and rejoice when they reach the grave?

23 Why is life given to a man whose way is hidden, whom God has hedged in?

24 For sighing has become my daily food; my groans pour out like water.

25 What I feared has come upon me; what I dreaded has happened to me.

26 I have no peace, no quietness; I have no rest, but only turmoil."

and

The Book of Job 38.16-20 (as 16,17,19 and 18)
16 "Have you journeyed to the springs of the sea or walked in the recesses of the deep?

17 Have the gates of death been shown to you? Have you seen the gates of the deepest darkness?

18 Have you comprehended the vast expanses of the earth? Tell me, if you know all this.

19 "What is the way to the abode of light? And where does darkness reside?

Hope it helps anyone searching :)

Nine words women use...

1.) Fine : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up. 



2.) Five Minutes : If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house. 



3.) Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine. 



4.) Go Ahead : This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It! 



5.) Loud Sigh : This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.) 



6.) That's Okay : This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake. 



7.) Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome. 



8.) Whatever : Is a women's way of saying F@!K YOU! 



9.) Don't worry about it, I'll do it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to #3.Then you RUN!

Counselling

Jacqueline and her husband Marc went for counselling after 25 years of marriage.

When asked what the problem was, Jacqueline went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking Jacqueline to stand, unbuttoned her blouse, embraced her, put his hands on her breasts, and kissed her passionately as her husband Marc watched with a raised eyebrow.

Jacqueline shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to Marc and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?'

Marc thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf.'