World's Best Graffiti

cheers Greg

Have you ever sat on a plane, next to an irritating seatmate who keeps talking to you and snooping at everything you are reading?

Next time just follow these simple instructions, and get ready to enjoy your well-earned privacy:

1. Quietly and calmly open up your laptop case,

2. Remove your laptop and open it,

3. Start up,

4. Make sure the annoying guy can clearly see the screen,

5. Close your eyes and tilt your head up to the sky - take a very deep breath,

6. Open the following web address: http://tinyurl.com/34fzpf [SFW]

Went into my local supermarket last night, and was so tempted, I nicked a joint of beef.

I ran out with it and the security guard chased after me.

"Oi," he shouted, "what you doing with that?!"

"Carrotts, peas, and roast potatoes, now fuck off you nosey bastard" I replied.

Q and A

Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

Q. What's the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball

Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!

Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it!

Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.

Q. W hat do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.

Q.What is the difference between "/ ooooooh/"and " /aaaaaaah/"?
A. About three inches.

Q. Why do gay men wear ribbed condoms?
A. For traction in the mud.

Q. What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.

Q. How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A. Kick his sister in the jaw.

Q. What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A. 45 pounds.

Q. What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A. 45 minutes.

Q. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A. Breasts don't have eyes.

Q. If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.

Q. What is the difference between medium and rare?
A. Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A. They don't have balls to scratch!

cheers Ken Shabby

Nursing Home Sex

Harold is 95 and lives in a Senior Citizen Home.

Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the Centre to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.

One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden.

They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed.

After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?"

She asks, "What?"

"Sex!!" he replies.

Mildred exclaims, "Why you old fart. You couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!"

"I know," Harold says, "but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while."

Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his todger and proceeds to hold it.

Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold's todger.

Then one night Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place.

Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was O.K.

She walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she found him sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Harold's todger!

Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing creep! What does Ethel have that I don't have?"

Old Harold smiled happily andreplied..... .."Parkinson's."

cheers Larry

The Mother-in-Law

The Mother-in-Law started taking flying lessons recently and she got her license shortly after that same year.

Yesterday afternoon, she narrowly escaped injury in the aircraft she was piloting when she was forced to make an emergency landing on the South Coast near Littlehampton because of bad weather.

The CAA issued a preliminary report, citing pilot error: The Mother-in-Law was flying a single engine aircraft in IFR (instrument flight rating) conditions while only having obtained a VFR (visual flight rating) rating.

The absence of a post-crash fire was likely due to insufficient fuel on board. No one on the ground was injured.

Photographs were taken at the scene show the extent of damage to her aircraft.

She was very lucky.

cheers Larry

Bit late :) (Is it ever too late?)

30 reasons why we hate the French

1. Because they're losers 
Rugby matches played by England against France since 1906: 89. We've won 47; they've won 35. Draws: 7.

2. Because they're aggressive 
Wars fought against France since 1066: 35. We've won 23; they've won 11. Mutual defeats: 1 (American War of Independence).

3. Because of Napoleon 
200 French streets, monuments and institutions commemorate the era of Napoleon, the inventor of totalitarian dictatorship.

4. And because of the Napoleon Complex 
While Napoleon was actually 5ft 6.5in tall, his aggression may have stemmed from "strikingly small, infantile and undersized genitals", as revealed in his autopsy. The organ in question measured 1.25in.

5. Because they make love more than anyone else 
On average, that's 137 times a year; we only manage 119 times.

6. Because everyone believes they're great lovers 
But when asked about Napoleon's love-making, French good-time girl Marguerite Josephine Weimer remarked that the Duke of Wellington was "beaucoup le plus fort". Today, just 23 per cent of French people are happy with their sex lives compared to 25 per cent of Brits.

7. Because they love yappy dogs 
More than nine per cent of French dog owners have a poodle.

8. But they won't clean up after them 
French dog owners refuse to pick up the 5,840 tonnes of dog-doo dropped on their streets each year.

9. Because they're allergic to customer service 
In London eateries, it takes an average 3.4 minutes to get a glass of water once a waiter has been alerted; in Paris it takes 17.9 minutes.

10. Because they're rude 
The "Paris Syndrome" is a medically recognised type of depression which afflicts foreign visitors, caused by the sustained rudeness of French people to outsiders.

11. Because they can't wait 
Many French men still prefer the convenience of a trottoir to the public WC.

12. Because they lack humour 
Before the Revolution, the French spoke of l'esprit (wit), or la farce (joke) but the word "humour" had no equivalent. Not until 1932 did the French Academy allow l'humour into the language.
 
13. Because we've been allowed to believe that French women don't get fat 
Current diet books claim that French women are thin because they eat only fresh produce, and slowly. However, French obesity rates are exploding and one in four French women is on some kind of mood-altering medication. Of course they're not hungry – they're stoned.

14. Because they do things the wrong way 
The French take more suppositories than the rest of Europe combined. In 2006, they shoved 235 tonnes of pharmaceuticals up themselves. That's equivalent to 1,850 Gérard Depardieus (approx.).

15. That goes for their wildlife, too 
In 1998 alone, 25 million geese and ducks were force-fed in battery farms to make foie gras: the €20 hors d'oeuvre.

16. Because they love Jerry 
In 1963, Jerry Lewis's The Nutty Professor was voted "Best Film" in France. Le Roi du Crazy, as Lewis is known over there, holds the Legion of Honour, traditionally awarded only to victorious French generals: pretty rare.

17. And they hate Gerry 
In 2005, national treasure Gérard Depardieu announced he was leaving France because: "Only the British understand me… They have a great sense of humour. It is the French who are cretins".

18. Because they think their cooking is the best in the world 
They boasted 26 three-starred restaurants in the 2005 Michelin Guide. However, the guide is a French institution. Could that be why the UK had only three? Coincidence, non?

19. Because of their incessant wining 
Does France still make the best wine? Not if you go by the infamous Paris Wine Tasting of 1976, when an English wine merchant organised a "blind" tasting before a jury of French experts. To their horror, they rated Californian wines as winners in both the red and white wine categories. The French press first denied any tasting had happened, then claimed the results were fixed.

20. You can't trust their wine labels either 
In one 2002 case, a Burgundian vintner got jailed for rebottling 4,000 hectolitres of Algerian plonk as a much more expensive Bordeaux.

21. Because they took the cow pat… and turned it into a hat 
Well, that's what the beret is, isn't it?

22. Because their legendary "Va Va Voom" is a lie 
They only spend an average 19.2 minutes on foreplay. The British take 22.5 minutes.

23. Because 50 per cent of them don't even associate sex with pleasure 
And 23 per cent say they would be "relieved" not to have sex for several months.

24. Because they patented the kiss 
In fact, there is no actual word for "French Kiss" in French. It is simply embrasser avec la langue (literally, to kiss with the tongue). Colloquially it is referred to as rouler une pelle (to roll the spade). Only in Quebec is it "frencher".

25. Because they're big bullies 
The French shoot, poison, trap, crush, stuff and then eat almost anything smaller than themselves. Box-nets are laid down across the Aquitaine countryside to trap skylarks, while Languedoc hunters blast turtledoves out of the sky.

26. Because the French health service is the best in the world 
However, during a 2003 heat wave, the French health services, rated as a "world best" by the WHO, failed to prevent the deaths of 16,300 elderly people.

27. Because their country doesn't work 
Employers have to pay social security taxes equal to 48 per cent of each employee's salary, so they take on fewer people, and France's unemployment rate has hovered around 10 per cent for a decade.

28. Because they get up our noses 
Forty per cent of French men, and 25 per cent of women, do not change their underwear daily – and only 47 per cent bathe every day (compared to 70 per cent of the British).

29. Because they invented Sadism 
France is not only the birthplace of the Marquis de Sade but also of Renault's flirty series of Ben and Sophie "Eiffel Tower v Blackpool Tower" TV ads. Talk about torture…

30. Because it's taken them a thousand years to admit we're better than them 
"The standard of life of the British is higher than that of the French," said M. le President Nicolas Sarkozy, in his 2006 autobiography. Finally.

cheers Larry

A young man ....

A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.

The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.'

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.

Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?'

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears.'

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?'

Clearing his throat, he stammered .... 'Outside, when you said you heard someone coming.... that was me.'

cheers Greg

A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN.

The only question asked was:"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure...

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.

In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.

In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.

And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

here comes the hate mail

36DD breasts covered in warm Belgian chocolate...

1 inch erect nipples pierced with white gold nipple rings topped with whipped cream...

Clean shaven minge framed by an open crotch, leather thong, drizzled with fresh raspberry coulis...

Sweet moist clit smothered with blackberry jam...

This is no ordinary porn, this is M&S porn

I can see a thousand more of these coming up.

Surprise, Surprise.

'No corruption' in Lawrence case

Claims that the first police probe into the murder of black 18-year-old Stephen Lawrence was hindered by a corrupt officer are unfounded, a watchdog says.

It was claimed in a BBC programme in July 2006 that detective sergeant John Davidson took a bribe from Clifford Norris, father of suspect David Norris.

The Independent Police Complaints Commission investigated the claims over the 1993 murder, in south-east London.

The BBC was criticised by the police, but said it stood by the journalism.

Stephen was murdered at a bus stop in Eltham in April 1993. Read more here

Sadly, this kind of stance from the BBC is becoming rare as since the Hutton enquiry everyone is afraid for their job. The BBC used to be the source of truth. Not just for the UK but for the world. New Labour put an end to that.

Anyone who has seen the four that were accused of this hateful crime will know that they are guilty and are laughing in the face of the legal system.

Read some of what has gone on and then, to steal a line from John Grisham, imagine he was white!

Adverts

Fresh 9inch cock covered in hot mustard sauce...

Pierced young nipples dipped in boiling hot toffee...

Soft virgin clits grilled on maple skewers...

Freshly shaved bollocks marinated in garlic and ginger, battered, lightly fried then served on a bed of crisp rocket...

This is not just food....this is S & M food.

Le Rugby

A piece of straight, clean string goes into a bar and orders a gin and tonic.

The barman serves the drink, the string downs it and walks out.

Ten minutes later a dirty, twisted, ragged piece of string walks into the bar.

"Here - are you that piece of string that was here ten minutes ago?" asks the barman

"No" replies the string "I'm a frayed knot"

Australian Business News

Durex have announced they are closing their factory in Brisbane, as it only takes one "Jonny" to f*ck Australia.

An apology

Dear Australia,

I feel I must offer, on behalf of England, our insincere apology for the divine dirty and superbunfair way that we out classed you won the game earlier today. To see your team in tears at the end gave us great no pleasure.

I am sure that being the sour faced arse holes sporting nation you are you will never admit that the better team won on the day again.

Whinging Pom

TRAVEL NEWS

Quantas has announced that all flights from Paris to Australia are fully booked for the next 24 hours.

Quote of the Day

"By November 2003, I realised he was giving me performance-enhancing drugs,"
Said Marion Jones, while scratching her balls.

BBCi