The panic subsides as a cure is found...

cheers Greg

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the M11.

Nothing is moving. Suddenly a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What happened?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped Tony Blair, Cherie Blair, Gordon Brown, John Prescott and Peter Mandelson. They are asking for a £10 million ransom. Otherwise they are going to douse them with petrol and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection."

The driver asks, "How much is everyone giving, on average?"

"About a gallon."

thanks to the Major

A blind guy walks into a bar with his seeing eye dog. Picks up the dog by the leash and starts swinging him around and around.

Bartender says, "Sir, what are you DOING?"

Blind guy says, "Just lookin' around."


Q: Why are lots of famous artists Dutch?
A: Because they were born in Holland.

Q: What are the signs of iron deficiency?
A: Crumpled clothes.

Q: Why do Humming Birds Hum?
A: Because they don't know the words.


My neighbor`s young son swallowed a quarter, a dime and a nickle. He was rushed to the hospital.

The next day I asked my neighbor how his son was doing, and he replied,

"No change yet".

Lyric Fun

Stuck inside these four walls, sent inside forever,
Never seeing no one nice again like you,....

theGoose Wonders

Will Brazil compete in the 2012 street marathon?

Previously on March

1981: President Reagan is shot
President Ronald Reagan has been shot and wounded after a lone gunman opened fire in Washington.

He is currently undergoing emergency surgery at George Washington University Hospital but there are unconfirmed reports he walked in unaided.

Initial reports claim he may have a punctured lung.

Five to six shots were fired as he left the Washington Hilton Hotel where he had been addressing a union convention, about one mile from the White House.
The BBC

theGoose recommends..

Get FireFox Now

Armwrestling Blonde

Games To Play When You Are Older

1. Sag, you're [t]It.
2. Hide and go pee.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Musical recliners.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.
Shumpy

Request

Hi all,
Could you do me a favour and see if anyone you know is interested?
I'm selling 2 mobiles that I'm not using anymore, if anyone is interested:
Nokia with camera (4.1 mega pixels).
Nokia with camera and vibrating alert.
Have a look at the pics, for the models
cheers Greg

Public Service Information

President Bush In Cancun

WASHINGTON -- Just because Cancun is a magnet for college kids on spring break, don't think President George W. Bush will be partying on the beach during his two-day summit at the Mexican resort.

Answering questions in Washington at a forum before he left, he joked, "No Speedo here." And while the audience giggled at the image of a commander-in-chief in a tight swimsuit, he added, "Thankfully."

The president was joining Mexican President Vicente Fox and Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper for the summit, which will focus on trade, terrorism and immigration.

Bush often jokes with questioners, either in news conferences or town hall forums. His swimsuit joke came during what he promised would be last question. He told the man who asked it, "Just testing your concentration."
Copyright 2006 by The Associated Press.

There are 35 million digestive glands in the human stomach.

Things People Say

"If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough."
- Mario Andretti

Words

sinciput sin si put (noun) : the forehead

applanate ap len et (adjective) : flattened out

Impolite Things to Say at a Wake

* So, what are you gonna do with his golf clubs?
* Who do I talk to about his bar tab?
* Of course you'll miss him, he didn't molest you.
* How long you think until he starts to stink?
* Wow! Other than his wife, is there anyone in this room he didn't bang?
* Say what you will, Madame Toussot does nice work.
* It's weird not seeing him drunk.
* I always thought he was gay.
* Isn't that suit gonna be a little warm for Hell?
* So now that you're a widow, what do you do? Masturbate?
* I was there when he died. Man, what a baby
Shumpy

Panthers

I always thought that the Panther was one of the nicer Big Cats.

Big Cats

theGoose has finally gone Tiger and said goodbye to Panther. Well, for today that is.

Panther has been great but Tiger looks so much more. That is, now that there is an upgrade for my modem.

In fact when I think of Tiger I feel like this Kitty.

Thanks to Rank Xerox and Long Live Clarus

Women = Pain in the Arse

Safer Birth Pill On The Way

Scientists are developing a contraceptive pill which carries a lower risk of breast cancer than the current combined pill.

It is hoped the new pill, currently being tested on women, could be widely available within five years.

It is based on the controversial emergency contraception pill - RU486. The New Pill is about the size of a pebble, made of stone and will be placed in the shoe of the consenting male, thus making him limp and unable to fertilise the egg.
George

Sometimes I dive, sometimes I stand. But I don't care about this. In football you can't stay up all the time...I don't dive, I play my game. If they are not happy with this and don't want me to play, I don't play.
Chelsea's Didier Drogba on his performance against Manchester City

Wayne Rooney

Following on from his major £5million, five book, deal, Wayne is proud to announce the release of his first four books. The release date is said to by a source "to coincide with the build up to the Wold Cup 2006 in Germany".


click to enlarge

When a fly goes down...

In the dead of summer a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake. The hot, dry fly who said to no one in particular, "Gosh...if I go down three inches I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed."

There was a fish in the water thi nking, "Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches, I can eat him."

There was a bear on the shore thinking, "Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches that fish will jump for the fly...and I will grab him."

It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich...."Gosh," he thought, "if that fly goes down three inches...and that fish leaps for it...that bear will expose himself and grab for the fish. I'll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch."

Now, you probably think this is enough activity on one bank of a lake, but I can tell you there's more....

A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking, "Gosh if that fly goes down three inches...and that fish jumps for that fly... and that bear grabs for that fish...the dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich"

A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, as was fashionable to do on the banks of this particular lake around lunch time, Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches...
and that fish jumps for that fly...
and that bear grabs for that fish and that hunter shoots that bear...
and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich ...
then I can have mouse for lunch."

The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the cooling mist of the water.

The fish swallows the fly... The bear grabs the fish... The hunter shoots the bear...
The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich...
The cat jumps for the mouse...
The mouse ducks...
The cat falls into the water and drowns.

The moral of the story is:

Whenever a fly goes down three inches, some pussy is in serious danger.

"The cure for capitalism's failing would require that a government would have to rise above the interests of one class alone."
- Robert L. Heilbroner

British Soap Awards 2006

If you fancy voting, you can do so here.

For sexiest female theGoose has a tip.

Scotland begins smoking ban

A ban on smoking in public places - including bars and restaurants - has come into effect in Scotland.

It is being hailed as a step forward for health but critics say it will cost jobs and infringe human rights.

More than a fifth of smokers questioned in Scotland plan to flout the ban, which came into effect overnight, a poll by BBC Five Live suggests.

The impact will be watched closely in England, Wales and Northern Ireland, where bans have also been approved.

Health Minister Andy Kerr also acknowledged the significance of Sunday's action.

He said: "As a smoke-free nation Scotland can look forward to a healthier future." He said as he tucked into his deep fried Mars bar washed down with several pints of Heavy.

Poison Ivy

Former Coronation Street actress Lynne Perrie, who played Ivy Tilsley, has died at the age of 75.

Perrie, who played the factory worker in the top-rated ITV1 soap from 1979 until 1994, died on Friday night after suffering a stroke.

Street co-star Liz Dawn, who plays Vera Duckworth, said "arright chuck" "Perrie was always full of life and great fun to work with".

Born in Rotherham in 1931, Perrie was best known for the role of "Poison Ivy" Tilsley.

Her character was renowned for interfering, either in the factory politics of Mike Baldwin's business or in the personal lives of her son Brian Tilsley and his wife Gail.

A spokesman for Gail Platt said the co-star was "relieved and glad to be able to ....yada yada yada"

On Death Row?

Rap label Death Row Records will go into receivership next week unless its founder appears in court to answer questions on his financial status.

Marion "Suge" Knight has missed three hearings already, having been ordered to pay $107m (£61m) to Lydia Harris.

Ms Harris claims she was a co-founder of the label in the early 1990s and was therefore entitled to the money.

A judge will take over Mr Knight's assets if he does not attend the next scheduled interview on 1 April.

Death Row Records helped to launch the careers of rappers such as Snoop Dogg and Tupac Shakur.

Mothers Day

It was Mothering Sunday yesterday, so theGoose would like to send a belated greeting to all those Mothers at Blogger Support. Thanks a bunch.

10 things..

Snippets harvested from the week's news, chopped, sliced and diced for your weekend convenience by The BBC.

1. Goths, those pasty-faced teenagers who revel in black clothing, are likely to become doctors, lawyers and architects, according to a study by Sussex University (Sussex University is currently between 3Million GBP in debt).

2. Nelson Mandela used to steal pigs as a child.

3. In the UK there are: 275,000km of gas pipes; 353,000km of sewer pipes; 396,000km of water pipes, and 482,000km of electricity cables.

4. Jacques Chirac spent time in his youth as a forklift driver at a US brewery.

5. More than 3,000 BT internet customers download up to 200 gigabytes each month.

6. There are an average of 4.4 sparrows in each British garden, a study has found. In 1979, there were 10 per garden.

7. No chancellor of the exchequer in more than 150 years has delivered 10 Budgets in a row. Gordon Brown achieved that feat this week.

8. Electricity for Number 10 Downing Street is supplied by a French company.

9. Boris Johnson calls Harriet Harman "Hattie".

10. Under the Estate Agents Act 1979, anyone can set up in business as one unless they have been banned by the Office of Fair Trading or are bankrupt.
More at The BBC

Previously on March 27

1977: Hundreds dead in Tenerife plane crash
At least 560 people have died after two jumbo jets collided on a runway in the holiday destination of Tenerife. It is thought to be the world's worst disaster involving aircraft on the ground.

A massive explosion followed by a ball of fire erupted at Los Rodeos airport, Tenerife, in the Canary Islands, in dense fog as both airliners were taxiing for take-off at 1800 local time.

Neither airline was originally due to be at the airport but both were diverted from the much bigger Las Palmas on nearby Gran Canaria island after a terrorist bomb blast near the departure lounge.
more here


1980: North Sea platform collapses
At least 120 oil rig workers are feared dead after a North Sea accommodation platform collapsed during gales.

Reports say a massive wave hit one of the legs of the platform, causing it to break and send the 208 people on board into the sea at around 1830 GMT.

Some were able to make it to the lifeboats before the platform fully capsized while others were thrown into the sea as the rig began to tilt.

Most of those missing from the Alexander Kielland platform, which was situated 235 miles east of Dundee, are Norwegian.
more here

Swear-o-Tron

Take the lip work out of swearing when things go wrong and just use the Swear-o-Tron. NSFW

Are You A Pimp

Take the Pimp IQ test and see.

theGoose is a junior Pimp.

More Rubbish Sybil

"No evidence oily fish have health benefits, study finds."

"For at least 20 years doctors have been urging their patients to eat more oily fish to benefit the heart. Adding two servings a week of mackerel, salmon and similar fish to the family shopping list was believed to help fend off cardiovascular disease."

"Now a major new study suggests the advice was wrong. Scientists who reviewed no fewer than 89 studies of omega 3 fats, the key constituent of fish oils thought to protect against heart disease, found no clear evidence that they are of any use at all."
more here

Golf clubs urged to attract ethnic minorities

Due to large Caddy shortage.
= = =
Britain's leading golf official has urged promoters of the sport to find more effective ways of attracting more people from ethnic minorities to the sport.

Peter Dawson, chief executive of the St Andrews-based Royal and Ancient Golf Club, argues that this is one of the sport's greatest challenges.

How would you attract more "minorities" to play Golf?

Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.
- Tiger Woods

My idea to attract more Saudis would be to, swap the ball for rocks and the flag for a 'criminal' and, combine Golf with a good stoning. I feel a Fatwha coming on

Stone the Crows!

Liz Taylor decided to try life as a blonde
Sharon Stone, 48, showed up at the German debut of Basic Instinct 2: Risk Addiction, wearing yellow lipstick!?

At least it diverted the press from the incident just prior to this shot where she was dragged through a hedge backwards while being prodded witha stun gun.

In 1975, the beaver became the official symbol of Canada.

Previously on March 24

1978: Tanker Amoco Cadiz splits in two
Violent seas have split the Amoco Cadiz super tanker wrecked off the coast of France, destroying any hopes of salvaging any remaining oil and threatening an ecological disaster.

Experts hoped 30,000 to 50,000 tons of oil left in the holds could have been pumped out but this morning's split, off the north coast of Finisterre, means all the 220,000-ton cargo will have escaped into the sea.

Strong tides and winds are driving the oil slick westward raising fears it will affect the Channel Islands and the western coast of the Cherbourg peninsula in France.
more here


1989: Exxon Valdez creates oil slick disaster
An oil tanker has run aground on a reef off the Alaskan coast, releasing gallons of crude oil into the sea.

The Exxon Valdez got into trouble in Prince William Sound when it hit Bligh Reef, splitting its side open and releasing oil, with reports of an eight-mile (1.61km) slick.

High winds are affecting attempts to suck the slick from the sea's surface and residents have reported poor air quality as emergency crews try to burn off the top layer of oil.

Booms, which are acting like necklaces on the surface of the sea to contain the oil, are failing to do the job.
more here

"At times the England players seem to play like women. Beckham and others, they're gay boys."
- Liam Gallagher

Pick Up Lines

China slaps tax on chopsticks

China will tax wooden chopsticks, golf balls and the yachts of the country's nouveau riche as part of an ambitious plan to slash energy consumption and combat worsening pollution in the world's fastest growing economy.

The new taxes, which come into force on 1 April, are aimed at boosting the use of environmentally friendy small-engined cars and motorcycles while slapping hefty new levies on luxury items such as gas-guzzling four-wheel drive vehicles and flashy watches.

The tax on chopsticks will come as a shock to a nation which uses them for breakfast, lunch and dinner, and where many people have never used a knife and fork. The Chinese use 45 billion pairs of disposable chopsticks every year, which adds up to 1.7 million cubic metres of timber or 25 million fully grown trees.

more here

Television is altering the meaning of "being informed" by creating a species of information that might properly be called disinformation... Disinformation does not mean false information. It means misleading information misplaced, irrelevant, fragmented or superficial information - information that creates the illusion of knowing something, but which in fact leads one away from knowing.
- Neil Postman, media critic (1933 -2003)

Famous Last Words

"Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something."
-Pancho Villa, Mexican revolutionary, d. 1923

LONDON - The coffin of Ex Conservative Minister for War, John Profumo is carried out of St. Pauls Church on March 20, 2006 in London. Profumo famously resigned following an affair with Christine Keeler in 1963 but later went on to become a dedicated charity worker receiving a CBE for his efforts in 1975.
(Photo by Bruno Vincent/Getty Images/theGoose)

Rumsfeld: Iraqis Now Capable Of Conducting War Without U.S. Assistance

WASHINGTON, DC—Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld said Monday that escalating violence in Iraq demonstrates that the Iraqi population is now capable of waging the Iraq war without outside military aid, and pronounced the American mission there "a complete success."

"Over the last month, the Iraqis have been fighting like you wouldn't believe," said Rumsfeld in a press conference at the Pentagon. "New Iraqis are joining the war every day—so many, in fact, that we don't know where they all came from. It's almost as if they came out of nowhere."

"The scope and intensity of the combat in Iraq is such that I believe the presence of American forces in the country will no longer be required to help the Iraqi people plummet into meaningless violence," Rumsfeld added.

More here

Goota Luv The Thong

Health Is Where The Cash Is

Britain's food watchdog was accused last night of endangering the lives of 15,000 people a year after backing down on strict guidelines designed to limit the amount of salt in food.

Health campaigners were furious at the decision by the Food Standards Agency to publish revised targets to cut salt in 85 types of food products by 2010. In many cases the agency raised levels after feedback from companies which claimed that they were unable to cut salt in certain products for tech- nical or safety reasons.

Increases in permitted levels recommended by the agency included:
- Raising the salt allowed in crisps such as Quavers and Skips from 1.4g to 3.4g per 100g;
- Ketchup up from 1.8g to 2.4g;
- Savoury biscuits up from 1.3g to 2.2g.

The agency said that it still hoped to cut the overall intake of salt per person per day from 10g to 6g within four years. But medical experts said that the new targets meant this would not be met, especially as the targets cannot be imposed on the food industry.

If salt intake were cut to 6g per day, it would prevent 70,000 heart attacks and strokes a year, of which 35,000 are fatal. If intake fell only to 8g a day, 15,000 people would die unnecessarily.

Meep! Meep!

NEW YORK -- A police helicopter and sharpshooters armed with tranquilizer guns were no match for a wily coyote that has eluded capture in Central Park.

"It didn't look the least bit worried," he said. "He leaped over the fence and disappeared in the park."

While coyotes don't usually present a threat to people, Benepe warned that park visitors should keep their dogs leashed to protect the pets.

Officers did locate and shoot at the tawny animal Tuesday, but police said it escaped into a wooded area. Once caught, the beast will be taken to an upstate wildlife facility, Benepe said.

The coyote, nicknamed Hal by Parks Department staffers, may have wandered into the city from Westchester County, perhaps swimming across a river, Benepe said. Another coyote found its way to Central Park in 1999 and is now kept in the Queens Zoo.

"It's very unusual to have them in Manhattan," he said. "They have to be particularly adventurous."
Copyright 2006 by The Associated Press

Hair

In ancient Egypt (3000 years ago), a smooth and hairless body was the standard of beauty for men as well as women.

Hair is the fastest growing tissue in the body, second only to bone marrow.

The average scalp has 100,000 hairs. Redheads have the least at 80,000; brown and black haired persons have about 100,000; and blondes have the most at 120,000.

And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
'Cos I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very
Mad World

Roland Orzabel

An ear of corn always has an even number of rows because of the genetic formula which divides the cells.

One For The Ladies

How Vibrators Are Better Than Men!

It's happy to keep going until we're satisfied.

A vibrator doesn't have an orgasm first and then just stop "vibrating."

They don't get tired after the first time

Vibrators never go limp and rubbery, you simply replace the batteries when it tires.

Vibrators don't hog the remote ... Nor the computer!!

We can get a bigger one or one that has better options whenever we want without being called a slut.

It works "while" the sports games are on.

It always is hard.

It doesn't care that you gained 10 lbs.

It doesn't fall asleep and snore in your ear afterwards.

You don't have to cook it breakfast and pretend to be interested in it the next morning.

They never poke you in the back in the morning to see if you are in the mood.

You don't have to tell the vibrator he's the best you ever had!

Vibrators don't ask who your Daddy is

Vibrators do what you want them to do at ALL times!

They never ask how they were.

They don't burp, fart, belch or fall asleep on you.

They never wake up at 4 a.m. asking for another get-go.

Gender Based Items

If you're like most people, common everyday items look inert to you. But what you may not know is that many have a gender. For example...

Freezer bags - Male, because they hold everything in but you can see right through them.

Photocopier - Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc, if the wrong buttons are pushed.

Tire - Male, because it goes bald and often it's over inflated.

Hot Air Balloon - Male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under its backside and of course, there's the hot air part.

Sponges - Female, because they're soft and squeezable and retain water.

Web page - Female, because they're always getting hit on.

London Underground - Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

Hourglass - Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

Hammer - Male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

Remote control - Female... Ha! You thought it'd be male. But consider - It gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying!

Positive Thinking

One day, there was a blind man sitting on the steps of a building with a hat by his feet and a sign that read: "I am blind, please help."

A creative publicist was walking by and stopped to observe. He saw that the blind man had only a few coins in his hat. He dropped in more coins and, without asking for permission, took the sign and rewrote it.

He returned the sign to the blind man and left. That afternoon the publicist returned to the blind man and noticed that his hat was full of bills and coins.

The blind man recognized his footsteps and asked if it was he who had rewritten his sign and wanted to know what he had written on it.

The publicist responded: "Nothing that was not true. I just wrote the message a little differently." He smiled and went on his way.

The new sign read: "Today is Spring and I cannot see it."

Shumpy

Badger Goes Shoping

Badger is in a supermarket.

A beautiful blonde waves at him and says hello.

Badger is rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from, so he says "Do you know me?"

To which she replies "I think you are the father of one of my kids."

Now Badger thinks back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My gawd, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table, with all of my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my ass with wet celery and stuck a carrot up my butt?".

She said, "NO! I'm your son's Math Teacher!"

A man is in a hotel lobby and wants to ask the clerk a question.

As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and his elbow pokes her in the breast.

They are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."

She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."

Iraq

George Bush hinted yesterday that US troops would remain in Iraq for years. He also rejected widespread demands for the replacement of his Defence Secretary, Donald Rumsfeld.

he signalled that a full pullout of US troops would not happen during the near three years in office that remain to him. It would be for "future presidents and future governments of Iraq" to decide whether all US forces in the country - more than 130,000 - should be withdrawn.

President Bush was joined in his defence of the war by Tony Blair who told an audience in London that although it was "debatable" whether it was right to invade Iraq, even his critics must realise the West has to support Iraqi democracy against the terrorists.

"This is not a clash between civilisations but a clash about civilisation," Mr Blair claimed, in the first of a series of three major speeches about foreign policy, timed to mark the third anniversary of the Iraq war.

Bizarre Porn Titles

Charlie in my Chocolate Factory

The Constant Hardener

The Dykes of Hazzard

Miss Genitality 2: Armed and Flexible

Mr. & Mrs. & Mrs. & Mrs. & Mrs. Smith

Star Whores: Revenge of the Sluts

Whore of the Worlds

Would these films be bl cockbusters?

Americans cannot escape a certain responsibility for what is done in our name around the world. In a democracy, even one as corrupted as ours, ultimate authority rests with the people. We empower the government with our votes, finance it with our taxes, bolster it with our silent acquiescence. If we are passive in the face of America's official actions overseas, we in effect endorse them.
- Mark Hertzgaard, Journalist for The Nation

Please Tell Me Its a Joke

t is less than six months since Noel Edmonds made his television comeback after five years in the broadcasting wilderness.

But the transformation from TV pariah to born-again star is complete after he signed a deal that will make him the highest paid presenter on British television.

Channel 4 has agreed to pay Edmonds £3million to continue presenting his hit gameshow Deal or No Deal for the next 18 months.

Soon to be Banged Up Badger

Good old Badger

Q. What do you call a man who goes to a Serbian prostitute?
A. Slobbadown Mycockyoubitch.

On the Ball

"Arsenal and England footballer Ashley Cole is fronting a campaign to raise awareness of testicular cancer. The campaign for charity Everyman will feature the strapline 'Keep Your Eye On The Ball.'"

If only

Miss Deaf Texas died on Monday after being struck by a train. She stopped by the tracks to text friends and didn't hear the train coming.

Weird Fact of the Day

Americans, on average, eat 18 acres of pizza in one day. what EACH!!??

Newspaper Headlines

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge

Is There a Ring of Debris Around Uranus?

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

Headline of the Day

"WORKERS evacuated from Wembley stadium after huge bang heard" -The Sun

Maybe it was the penny dropping at the FA headquarters.

NSFA (Austria)

The size of the lie is a definite factor in causing it to be believed, for the vast masses of the nation are in the depths of their hearts more easily deceived than they are consciously and intentionally bad. The primitive simplicity of their minds renders them a more easy prey to a big lie than a small one, for they themselves often tell little lies but would be ashamed to tell a big one.
- Adolf Hitler, Mein Kampf

We learnt a lesson there!

Footie Break

"The day before the game he played in a five-a-side and looked like Bambi on ice, and we couldn't believe he was on the bench the next day. I don't know how he got there to this day. I remember seeing him in the bath after the game, then the next day he came in for treatment, saying he'd picked up an injury. We never saw him again"
- Matt Le Tissier lifts the lid on Ali Dia, Graeme Souness's worst-ever signing.

The twentieth century has been characterized by three developments of great political importance: the growth of democracy, the growth of corporate power, and the growth of corporate propaganda as a means of protecting corporate power against democracy.
- Alex Carey

Words

Pyrrhic victory PIR-ik VIK-tuh-ree noun: A victory won at too great a cost.

Three years on

Q: Why do chicken coops have two doors?
A: Because if it had four doors it's be a chicken sedan.

Q: What did the policeman say to his chest?
A: You're under a vest.

Q: What is Irish and stays out all night ?
A: Patty O'Furniture.

Q: Did you hear about the new comic book super hero?
A: He's half man and half cow. He's just one of those unexpected Moooooo-tations.

Q: You want to hear a dirty joke?
A: Well, there was this white elephant who fell in a mud hole.

Words of Wisdom from Texas

Water vs. Alcohol

It has been scientifically proven that if we drink one liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than one kilo of Escherichia Coli Bacteria found in water that contains feces.

In other words, we are consuming one kilo of sh!t. However, we do not run that risk when drinking rum, gin, whiskey, beer, wine or other liquors because alcohol has to go through a distillation process of boiling, filtering and fermentation.

It is my duty to communicate to all of you people who are drinking water, to stop doing so. It has been scientifically proven that it is unhealthy and bad for you.

THEREFORE - It is better to drink alcohol and talk shit than to drink water and be full of it !!

Shumpy

The Six Nations

Congratulations to France on winning an outstanding Six Nations Championship.

God's view of England

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example, North America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while South America is going to be poor; the

Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people,"

God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a small land mass and said "What's that one?"

"Ah," said God. "That's England, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful lakes, rivers, streams, and hills. The people from England are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world.

They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."

Archangel Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about the balance, God? You said there will be BALANCE!"

God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the arseholes I'm putting next to them in France."

Metal Head

Gavin Rees from Milford Haven, west Wales, underwent 19 hours of surgery to rebuild his face after falling 200m while skiing on a 'red-run' in the Alps.

He now boasts a total of 24 titanium plates and 131 screws in his head.

Check out Gavin Rees' website.

Goodnight Humphrey

"Even Humphrey knew Blair was a c*nt."

The 10 Downing Street cat Humphrey has died, a spokesman for the prime minister has confirmed.

The black and white feline passed away at the home of a Cabinet Office worker who took him when he "retired".

Humphrey was adopted by Number 10 after wandering into the building as a stray while Margaret Thatcher was PM in 1989.

He moved out six months after Labour's 1997 general election win, with Tony Blair's wife Cherie denying reports her dislike for the animal was to blame.

10 things..

Snippets harvested from the week's news, chopped, sliced and diced for your weekend convenience.
1. The Himalayas cover one-tenth of the Earth's surface.

2. Pandas are the only bears not to hibernate - their bamboo diet isn't sufficiently fattening.

3. Lord Levy, recruited by Tony Blair to raise money for the Labour party, made his own fortune managing Alvin Stardust, among others.

4. In a fight between a polar bear and a lion, the polar bear would win.

5. Aston Barrett, the bassist in Bob Marley's band, has 52 children.

6. Tests conducted on a rare Chinese frog with no external eardrums have shown it uses ultrasound to communicate.

7. The 18th Century horse Eclipse, the ancestor of an estimated 80% of modern thoroughbreds, had only averagely long legs.

8. Nearly a third of people aged 25 to 34 in the UK have a tattoo, a survey has found.

9. More of those with tattoos (17%) work in media and marketing than do in the Armed forces (9%).

10. Shortly after the InterCity 125 was introduced, the UK had the highest proportion of trains running at more than 100mph of any country.

Sixth man guilty of girl's murder

A sixth gang member behind the kidnap and stabbing of Mary-Ann Leneghan has been found guilty of murder.

Indrit Krasniqi, 18, of Chiswick, west London, was convicted on Monday. Four men had already been found guilty and a fifth man had admitted the murder.

After a three-hour ordeal of torture and rape in a hotel room they were driven in the boot of Adams' car to nearby Prospect Park where Mary-Ann's friend was forced to watch as the younger girl was "butchered" in front of her.

As Mary-Ann lay dying, her friend had a gun put to her head and was shot at point blank range.

But she survived and went on to give evidence against her six attackers.

Four of the gang were on probation at the time of the killing in Reading, Berkshire, it has been revealed.

Home Secretary Charles Clarke (1.across - 4 letters, rhymes with Hunt, first letter is C.) described the case as "dreadful" and said it was "vital" lessons were learned.

Surely the one person who should learn most of all from is the man who can stop it happening again. Now, who may that be? The Home Secretary? Tosser.

The American press, with a very few exceptions, is a kept press. Kept by the big corporations the way a whore is kept by a rich man.
- Theodore Dreiser, 1871-1945

St Patrick

So it's that day when all the Irish have an excuse to go out and get pissed and you can't get your driveway tarmacced for love-nor-money.

What do you know about Ireland?

Why not take this short quiz.

I Lied about my age....

Bob, a 70 year old extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year-old blonde who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.

His buddies at the club are all aghast. They corner him and ask, "Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?"

Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"

They're knocked over, but continue to ask. "So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?"

Bob says, "I lied about my age."

His friends respond, "What do you mean? Did you tell her you were only 50?"

Bob smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90."

A young man moved into a new apartment on his own, and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears!"

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural! I work out every day! My butt is firm and solid! Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere! How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"

Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming? That was me."

cheers Shumpy

A lot of people wonder how you know if you're really in love. Just ask yourself this one question: "Would I mind being destroyed financially by this person?"

"There is no housing shortage in Lincoln today - just a rumour that is put about by people who have nowhere to live."
- G.L. Murfin, Mayor of Lincoln

Top Ten

Real Excerpts From Performance Evaluations

10. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

9. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."

8. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there."

7. "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."

6. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

5. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

4. "This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better."

3. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

2. "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."

1. "I would not allow this employee to breed."

Head three times its normal size

His head is three times its normal size and his limbs are purple. Doctors said his chances of survival were slim.

Another victim, a 28-year-old Asian man, was said to “look like The Elephant Man”.

A frantic global race to find a “cure” was launched yesterday.

No, not a new Hollywood horror movie, just another everyday drug trial. Except this one went pear shaped, just like their heads.

more here
and here

Famous Last Words

"I owe much; I have nothing; the rest I leave to the poor."
-François Rabelais, writer, d. 1553

In 18th-century London you could purchase insurance against going to hell.

Nowadays we call it a Pre-Nup.

The Worlds Thinnest Books

FRENCH WAR HEROES by Jacques Chirac

HOW I SERVED MY COUNTRY by Jane Fonda

MY BEAUTY SECRETS by Janet Reno

MY SUPER BOWL HIGHLIGHTS by Dan Marino

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL by Hillary Clinton

MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE by Osama Bin Laden With a foreword by Old Saddam (What's his name)

THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD by Bill Gates

THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY by Dennis Rodman

MY WILD YEARS by Al Gore

AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC

AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS Anonymous

DETROIT: a Travel Guide

A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES by Dr. J. Kevorkian

ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE by Ellen de Generes

GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE by Mike Tyson

SPOTTED OWL RECIPES by the EPA

THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY

MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS by O. J. Simpson

BRIDGE TRAVEL by Ted Kennedy

And the world's Number One Thinnest Book.

MY BOOK OF MORALS by Bill Clinton with introduction by The Rev. Jessie Jackson

Adult Northwestern American Grizzly Bears can bite through steel as thick as one half inch.

What's the difference between a wife, a nympho, and a hooker?

The nympho says, "You're done already?"

The hooker says, "Are you done yet?"

And the wife says, "Beige, I think I'll paint the ceiling beige."

"The makers of "Sesame Street" have decided not to have Russell Crow on as host of the show because he is not a good role model. Crow was disappointed because he wanted to host an episode that was brought to you by the letters F and U."
-Conan O'Brien

Celebrity Computer Viruses

Ellen Degeneres virus - Your IBM suddenly claims it's a MAC

Monica Lewinsky virus - Sucks all the memory out of your computer

Lorena Bobbit virus - Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy

Woody Allen virus - Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card

Ronald Reagan virus - Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored

Oprah Winfrey virus - Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB

"If a man hasn't discovered something that he will die for, he isn't fit to live."
- Martin Luther King Jr

Ashley Cole

The Daily Star has printed a grovelling apology to Ashley Cole following their story last month in which it alluded to him as one of three men allegedly involved in an orgy.

So, the Daily Star took a poke at a story that had a ring of truth to it, but have now had to put up a rear guard action and pull out.

And a poll conducted by the Stern newspaper has revealed only 3% of Germans believe their country will win the World Cup.

And a poll conducted by the Stern newspaper has revealed only 3% of Germans believe their country will win the World Cup.

FIFA World Rankings

USA have moved up to fifth in Fifa's world rankings, their highest ever placing, with Brazil first and England still ninth.

How did the USA end up at 5, If you go to the FIFA site you'll notice it is the FIFA/Coca Cola world rankings. Enough said.

Google resists demand to hand over search records

The Bush administration is embroiled in a courtroom showdown with the world's largest search engine company, demanding that Google hand over details of what internet users have been looking for.

But Google has refused, arguing that the request would violate the privacy of users and would also reveal business sensitive information about its search engine's operation. The company was yesterday seeking to have the DOJ's subpoena overturned in a court in San Jose, California.

The search company is being supported by a number of privacy rights campaigners who have accused the government of simply trawling for information.

"The government is not entitled to go on a fishing expedition through millions of Google searches any time it wants, just because it claims that it needs that information," said Aden Fine of the American Civil Liberties Union, which has filed a "friend of court" briefing in support of Google.

Some observers believe the case shows it is only a matter of time before the government seeks to obtain individual internet records, just as federal agencies can already get hold of library or medical records.

In January, when the subpoena was first revealed, Google's stock was shaken by the news. Yet the California-based company continues to refuse the government's request, despite the decision of its rivals Microsoft, AOL and Yahoo to provide such information following a similar demand.

Frankly, I can't wait for Geoerge to sit down in a briefing and ask "what the No1 search term is,"

"we'll that would be 'Pamela Anderson [or insert latest hot blonde] +naked' sir."

"And No.2" he asks.

"Err that would be 'George W Bush +C*nt +W*nker' Sir."

Only second? Must be time to call Jed

Q: Did you hear about the constipated accountant?
A: He couldn't budge it.

Africa

Poverty-Stricken Africans Receive Desperately Needed Bibles
MARADI, NIGER—More than 60,000 urgently needed Bibles arrived to allay suffering throughout the famine-stricken nation of Niger Friday, in one of the largest humanitarian-relief operations ever attempted by a Christian ministry.

"Come rejoice, and feast upon the word of Our Lord, Jesus Christ," said Christina Clarkson, executive director of the Living Light Ministries of Lubbock, TX. "Those who were hungry, hunger no more, for the Word brings life."

An exuberant Clarkson said the Bible drop was the culmination of one of the largest and most aggressive grassroots fundraising drives ever undertaken by the organization, which was able to fund the mission largely through local charitable events, such as bake-offs, barbecues, and pie-eating contests.
more here

Goodness, Gracious, Great ...

Generator Sets Man On Fire At Florida Nudist Park
FORT PIERCE, Fla. -- Paul Kuschel would have been better off naked -- like many of the folks at Sunnier Palms Nudist Park.

Instead, he was wearing a pair of nylon shorts Sunday when a generator he was working on backfired and sprayed him with starter fluid, setting him ablaze.

"I would have been better off wearing nothing on at all," Kuschel told Scripps Treasure Coast Newspapers. The fire seared his shorts to his backside.

"It's a good thing I wasn't wearing a shirt," he said.

Kuschel, 43, suffered second-degree and third-degree burns.

He was taken to a hospital with non life-threatening wounds and was treated and released.

Authorities said the fire erupted as Kuschel was trying to start the generator on a motorhome in the park, which was also damaged in the blaze.

Kuschel reported to his carpentry job Monday morning, even though he can't even swing a hammer because of his injuries.

"I'm just a tough old mule," Kuschel said. "And I don't want to lose this job."

He said he and his wife, Carol, have lived in a tent since moving from Dayton, Ohio, in February and had planned to move into the motorhome, which he just bought Saturday.

"Guess we'll be back in the tent until I can get (the motorhome) fixed," he said.
Copyright 2006 by The Associated Press.

A patriot must always be ready to defend his country against his government.
-Edward Abbey, author

Sony delays PlayStation 3 launch

The release of the much awaited PlayStation 3 (PS3) games console has been postponed until November, Japanese electronics group Sony has announced.

Technical hitches related to the console's Blu-ray DVD disc drive had forced the delay, Sony said.

The reports had triggered a 1.8% drop in Sony's shares to 5,470 yen ($46.56; £26.67) on the Tokyo market.

The PS3 is one of three new gaming consoles promising cutting edge processing and graphical power.

It will compete with Microsoft's Xbox 360, which went on sale late last year in the US, and Nintendo's Revolution, which is due later this year.
more here

Don't worry, you can always try out the 'Organic' X-Box while you wait. NSFW

Need Glasses?

Bunch of Arse

Uranus has 27 moons.

Quiz

To celebrate Last Sunday night's Oscars, we've[Sky] put together a devilishly difficult picture quiz. See if you can identify the 37 'Best Picture' movies hidden within!


A list of all the Winners since 1928 as a help.

Today's useless fact

What is the origin of the term "soap opera"?
The shows for the most part in the early days were, of course, geared toward housewives, given the fact that they were home during the day. What did housewives do in those days? Laundry. Thus, the soap companies attached themselves to these programs and were usually the primary sponsors, sometimes even getting recognition in the show titles...which would have been something along the lines of "Palmolive presents All My Children" or some such.

In 1982, Larry Walters tied 24 weather balloons to his lawn chair in Los Angeles and climbed to an altitude of 16,000 feet.

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something.

The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

"After playing Cameroon in the 1990 world cup finals: "We didn't underestimate them. They were just a lot better than we thought"
- Sir Bobby Robson

Work to commence on 9/11 memorial

Construction finally begins on Monday at Ground Zero in New York of the memorial and museum remembering the 2,900 victims of the 9/11 attacks.

The design, Reflecting Absence, by architects Michael Arad and Peter Walker is controversial and attracting protests from some of the bereaved.

At 0800 (1300 GMT) 10 workers will quietly arrive to begin work on the memorial, due to open in 2009.

Next month work is due to begin on the Freedom Tower, the skyscraper intended to fill the void in Lower Manhattan's skyline (see below).

Wonder Drug Inspires Love..

..Of Pharmaceutical Companies
NEW YORK—The Food and Drug Administration today approved the sale of the drug PharmAmorin, a prescription tablet developed by Pfizer to treat chronic distrust of large prescription-drug manufacturers.

Pfizer executives characterized the FDA's approval as a "godsend" for sufferers of independent-thinking-related mental-health disorders.

"Many individuals today lack the deep, abiding affection for drug makers that is found in healthy people, such as myself," Pfizer CEO Hank McKinnell said. "These tragic disorders are reaching epidemic levels, and as a company dedicated to promoting the health, well-being, and long life of our company's public image, it was imperative that we did something to combat them."
more here

Words

viaggiatory vi oj e tor ee (adjective) : on the move, traveling around

Previously on March 13

1996: Massacre in Dunblane school gym
A lone gunman has gone on a shooting spree at a school in Dunblane, Scotland, killing 16 children and their teacher.

The killer sprayed shots at random around the school gym in an attack that lasted just three minutes, but caused carnage in a class of five and six year olds. He then turned the gun on himself.

Twelve other children were taken to hospital in Stirling, where one is reported to have later died of his injuries.

The killer has been named as Thomas Hamilton, 43, a local man, who had once - briefly - been a scout master before being sacked by the Scout Association.
more here

Mine is the first generation able to contemplate the possibility that we may live our entire lives without going to war or sending our children to war.
Tony Blair

The First Date

A couple was sitting up waiting for their 13 year old son to come home from a social engagement when the boy came into the house with a big smile on his face.

"Hi, Mom! Hi, Dad! he said breathlessly. "Guess what! I've just had sex for the first time, and it was wonderful!"

His mother turned red and said to her husband, "He's your son. You talk to him". Then she left the room.

The father said "Son, that's great. Now you've become a man and I'm proud of you. I'm going to celebrate the occasion by buying you that ten-speed bike you've been wanting. I hope you don't mind waiting till payday to get it".

"That's OK, Dad", said the boy. "I couldn't ride it right now anyway. My arse is too sore.

I was on the outside when you said
You said you needed me
I was looking at myself
I was blind,I could not see

A boy tries hard to be a man
His mother takes him by the hand
If he stops to think, he starts to cry
Oh why

If you walk away, walk away
I walk away, walk away
I will follow

A UK railroad, having pledged to always arrive at the final destination on time, kept their promise by skipping stops along the way.

Stunned passengers could only watch as the train from Ramsgate in southeast England to London, for example, swept through four stations without making scheduled stops because it was running late.

"We couldn't believe it," Sally Leaver, one of 15 commuters stranded at Wye station, said. "There's no point in running trains if you don't pick up passengers."

I feel like everyone else in this country today. I am utterly devastated. - Tony Blair

ladies Take Note

Listen ladies, dont forget that March 20th is International BB&BJ Day.

Holly McGuire

Today the News of the World blows the whistle on Footballers' Wives star Holly McGuire and her sordid secret life of vice.

As the glamour girl offered a VIP punter a weekend's sex for cash in a glitzy Knightsbridge restaurant it looked just like a racy scene from her hit TV show.

But the only person acting was the client—an undercover News of the World investigator.

Read the full story and see the film here, or see the film here.

See theGoose's Holly McGuire gallery here.

Bad Jokes Can't Go Unpunished

Q: How many Spaniards does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just Juan.

Q: What do you call a cow that has had a baby?
A: Decalfinated.

Q: How do you put a Giraffe in a Refridgerator?
A: Open the door and put him in.

Q: How do you put an Elephant in a Refridgerator?
A: Take out the Giraffe.

MANAMA (Reuters) - Ferrari’s Michael Schumacher took pole position for Sunday’s season-opening Bahrain Formula One Grand Prix.

Brazilian team mate Felipe Massa joins him on the front row in his first race for Ferrari while Briton Jenson Button, in a Honda, and Renault’s world champion Fernando Alonso line up together on the second row.

Seven times world champion Schumacher equalled Brazilian Ayrton Senna’s record of 65 career pole positions [Ayrton Senna’s career was sadly cut short, so any direct comparison would be unfair.] and was the first driver to secure pole under Formula One’s new qualifying format.

At least the now DNA Cowboy can relax and be happy for a few months. A man with better taste in Motor Sport than that round and round in an oval stuff.

BIRMINGHAM, UNITED KINGDOM - Afgan Hound Macgregor, of Buckley, North Wales, proudly shows off his winning rosette on the second day of the 103rd Crufts dog show on March 10, 2006 in Birmingham, England. Over 23,000 top pedigree dogs from around the world are competing in over 2,000 individual classes for the prestigious title of "Best In Show" the pinnacle of any dog and owners career. Crufts was founded in 1891 and is the most prestigious and largest dog show in the world.
(Photo by Christopher Furlong/Getty Images)

Coincidentley, Our good chum Badger entered a dog at Crufts, hopefully he should be out in six to eight months with good behaviour.

LONDON - A member of the public takes a swipe at artist Mark McGowan, dressed in a mock parking attendant uniform, outside Bethnal Green Underground station on March 10, 2006 in London. Mr McGowan believes that traffic wardens were originally established to help with the flow of traffic but now they are tax collectors targeting innocent victims.
(Photo by Bruno Vincent/Getty Images)

In 1836, Texas proclaimed its independence from Mexico.

What is it that gentlemen wish? What would they have? Is life so dear, or peace so sweet, as to be purchased at the price of chains and slavery? Forbid it, Almighty God! I know not what course others may take; but as for me, give me liberty or give me death!
-Patrick Henry

Famous Last Words

Let's cool it brothers . . .
-Malcolm X, Black leader, d. 1966 - Spoken to his assassins, 3 men who shot him 16 times.

In Every Nook And Cranny

10 things..

Snippets harvested from the week's news, chopped, sliced and diced for your weekend convenience.

1. A new product is launched every three-and-a-half minutes.

2. The Palestinians have a supreme court.

3. Syriana - the title of George Clooney's latest film - is a term used by Washington think-tanks to describe hypothetical realignment of the Middle East.
Not Haliburtonshire then?

4. Rhubarb, that classic English fruit, was introduced to Britain from Siberia.

5. The "Rhubarb triangle" is an area of West Yorkshire farms bordered by Leeds, Wakefield and Bradford, where rhubarb is grown.
The last two sound like a lot of old rhu..... [Give up Goose]

6. Pooh Bear illustrator EH Shepard hated Pooh bear.

7. Chimpanzees ruin their fingers by walking on their knuckles.

8. It's possible to generate a temperature 133 times greater than the interior of the sun - scientists have produced a gas exceeding 3.6 billion degrees Fahrenheit, although they don't know how they did it.
Six pints of Sussex and a Vindaloo?

9. Hummingbirds are the only creatures, apart from humans, known to have an episodic memory - enabling them to remember where and when they last fed.

10. HSBC, which has announced record UK banking profits of £11.9bn, makes a profit of just £1.05 per week from each of its UK personal customers.
Or the Hong Kong Shanghai Banking Corporation as they prefer not to be known as.

All in more detail at the BBC.

UK and Brazil friendship marked at Number 10

Brazil's president held talks with Tony Blair today as part of his state visit to the UK.

Luiz Inácio Lula da Silva arrived at Number 10 to hold talks on important international issues such as trade, climate change, education and technology [and the killing of innocent Brazillian citizens on the underground.].
more here

I can forgive, but I cannot forget, is only another way of saying, I will not forgive. Forgiveness ought to be like a cancelled note - torn in two, and burned up, so that it never can be shown against one.
- Henry Ward Beecher
What a load of crap. Blogger are still c*nts.

Did I mention ....

that Blogger are arseholes?

Now Women Can Park Too!

A dustman walks into a Chinese restaurant and asks the owner "Where's your bin?"

"I been to Hong Kong" the man replies.

"No!" says the dustman, "Where's ya wheelie bin?"

The Chinese man replies, "I really been to Hong Kong."

On holiday a few years back, I took part in a quiz and managed to reach the final only to lose out after what I consider to this day, to be a correct answer.

The question asked 'What 'C' would you associate Jeremy Clarkson with?' to which I confidently replied 'C*nt'. Not only was I told the answer was incorrect, but I was asked by the holiday rep to leave the premises immediately! Has anyone else experienced such appalling treatment whilst holidaying with one's family?
Noel, Leeds
Viz

The Great Almighty

The nice people at Blogger/Google have surpased themselves again. On one hand they are fighting for thier right to freedom on the net and on the other they operate a "Go Fuck Yourself" policy.

Whatever it was that this blog did to offend the 'great and almighty' empire and get deleted will never be known because as I said already, "Go Fuck Yourself" will be the answer.

Cheers to Blogger and Google - Free Speech?